My wife has felt emotionally abandoned for the last four years. Not to make any excuses but I was in a state of depretion due to the loss of four children at birth and my father within a three year period. My eyes are open now and I am medicated but I fear it is too late. She has now had an affair because "in her eyes we are no longer a married couple" and she is insisting on staying in touch with this person because "he is the only one that truely understands her." At this point she is not sure if she wants to save our marriage or not. She just doesn't feel anything for me other than contempt. I'm not sure I have the strength to get through this even though I want it to work out more than anything in the world. She has moved out into an apartment with our two girls and I can't help but feel she is in constant contact with the other man. Please help me, Lord!<P>Dave<P>

dg,<P>Read all you can about plan A. Work on strengthening yourself and making any necessary changes.<P>Read any or all of the Harley's books, especially "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs, Her Needs," and "LoveBusters." <P>Come here and read others' stories and posts. The people here have good insight and when you write stuff down it can help you reach clarity.<P>My H is saying the same things as your W. Except my H has not made any moves to leave yet. I'm sure there are people here who have plan A'd with the spouse out of the home who will have some encouraging words for you.<P>Take care,<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

dgferret,<BR>It's good you are on anti-depressants, it will help you make better decisions.<P>Are you seeing a counselor? That is also likely to help you. It doesn't matter if your wife doesn't want to go, you can go alone.<P>Why does she have the kids? I'd be really concerned about them at this point. Set up regular visitation so you see your kids. It doesn't matter if she uses the opportunity to see the OM...you really can't control what she does at this point. Your kids need you, they've been moved, things have changed, dad isn't living with them. They need to know you love them and will be there for them. If the OM is living with them, do what you can to get the kids out of the situation.<P>My H at several points said not only was he not sure that he wanted to work on the marriage, he also said he did not want to, and that he was divorcing me. He didn't follow through, when D papers were served, I was the one to do it. We've now been back together over a year. I don't recommend initiating a divorce, unless you really want it, because, despite my different outcome, it if more likely for the divorce to come through.<P>Separation, or an affair, or the fence-sitting of the wayward spouse are not easy things, but marital recovery can still happen.<P>You say you don't know if you have the strength to work on your marriage alone...other than divorce, which is just as difficult, you don't have a lot of choices. Strength comes with making decisions you can live with--like taking care of your kids, letting your wife know you want the marriage, and taking care of yourself with eating right, exercise, doing things you enjoy...even when it feels like you'll never enjoy anything ever again.<P>My advice is also to Plan A, the details are here on this site, but it consists of trying to meet her emotional needs and not lovebusting, no angry outbursts, selfish demands, thoughtless decisions. Basically loving her through this. She loved you once enough to marry you and have children with you, even if she herself doesn't feel it right now, but unless she is very different from other wayward spouses, the feelings are still there, even if buried. <P>My H said awful things to me during his affair and our separations. He has felt a lot of remorse for it, and says he always loved me, even when he said he did not. Wayward spouses don't make a lot of sense and tend to be inconsistant in what they say, how they act over a period of time.<P>It's very tough that you and your wife went through such a difficult time. You went into depression and she went outside the marriage. Her affair may be a stab at trying to cope, trying to feel better. And, you can recognize how you contributed factors leading to your wife's bad choice, but you didn't make her have this affair. It is not your fault.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

I may be a bit cynical here, but Why does she have the kids?? She had the affair, not you! It is not right that she is throwing the kids into the mix here. If she wants to leave, she leaves, the kids stay.<P>Any way you can get this message across, or is it too late? Too bad if she wants the kids, then she has to stay and help take care of them and work on your marriage. Or you work out a plan where they stay with you and she gets acceptable visitation rights. <P>Unfortunately I have seen too many cases where the W cheats on her H, takes off with the kids, and then gets Sole Custody!! All because she is the woman. I mean I'm the W too, but I don't think this is fair to the good H's out there like yourself. Build a case for yourself, go get those kids back or at least see them AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!! They need YOU right now, not your W, she is just using them to make herself feel better!! <P>Good luck, stay with MB, we are here for you!!