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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 155
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Joined: Mar 2001
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4 month's since d-day. I am BS of 9 years. WS is sex addict, spend-aholic and<BR> habitual liar. All has been very very good for last 2 months.<P> I just got a phone record that shows who she has been calling from our home. She<BR> called OP the day before her birthday. She also called him on 5/18/01. He was her<BR> #1 OP. The A lasted 3 years +/-. He is an older man whom she worked for. She is a<BR> sex abuse victum.<P> I am calling Counselor, Pastor, and Lawyers. D is very emminent. I don't understand<BR> why she broke the no contact rule.
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
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Invictus,<BR>I know how ugly it is to discover a resumption or continuation of the affair. You have every right to feel as you do.<P>Just a couple questions:<BR>--Does this discovery really change the way you feel about saving your marriage?<BR>--No contact...and honesty are unfortunately very difficult for a lot of WS, is it possible for you to look at this as just one big mess, rather than a new mess?<P>My advice, right now you are in terrible emotional turmoil, understandably so. You won't hurt or change anything by giving yourself a week to think, to make a clearer decision. The last thing you want, when you've tried so hard to save your marriage, is regrets for a decision made in angry/hurt haste.<P>Do talk to the counselor & pastor. You may want to hold off on the lawyer for just a bit.<P>I'm very sorry, this stinks.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8
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Joined: Jun 2001
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Joined: Jun 2001
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First off I am sorry for what your are enduring right now. I know it is a very confusing time. You are not alone.<P>Are you and your spouse seeking counseling?? If not, I highly suggest it....we are in intense counseling now, working well.<P>Do you feel you still love her?? If so, then do not talk to a lawyer. Talk to your pastor.<P>I too wonder if my spouse is still talking with her "soulmate", (this is what they told each other they were). But, I cannot check phone records or anything like that because it only makes me more crazy.<P>Does she have the capacity to be honest?? Can you confront her and express your feelings about your love for her, and the pain you are feeling?? Does she accept the fact that she is wrong, and the pain you feel is real??<P>Remember in the SERENITY PRAYER, <BR>"God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."<P>This means, you can only change you. I cannot change the fact that my wife may still have feelings for this A-HOLE, even though she says that she doesn't know what she feels. <P>I have asked her to show me some affection during the day and at night when we are together. Nothing more than "I Love You", or a strong hug. She does not seem to want to do this. Does it mean she doesn't love me?? Does it mean that she is mad that we agreed no more contact with AHOLE?? Does it mean that she is still confused?? I don't know. But, I can't control her. <P>I try to follow this passage: <P>And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..<P>I try to make sense of it all, I guess GOD has a plan for all of us...<P>I wish you best, I know what you are feeling, it really hurts. But, I know that through it all we will grow and learn. God never gives us more than we can handle.<P>Ken
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 155
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 155 |
Lor,<P>I am amazingly calm. That is the truly saddest part. I am in contact with my Pastor and 2 counselors. Once I get my separation papers straightened out, my #1 counselor and my W will sit down. We will have to confront her with the truth. The rest is up to her. I may seek her again or I may divorce her. We will be legally separated. Call it Plan B. I will not support her destroying herself, my children or me. This is done in love. God help me. My decision is not rash. Please read my role call on the "Just found out... " board.<P>Any advice you can give me about separation/divorce is appreciated.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 66
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Joined: Jan 2001
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Invictus,<BR>I have recently been where you are now.(April) Except my H told me about resumption of affair when OW ended it because he would not leave his family high and dry. So H did the honesty bit telling me the "truth". He'd resumed the affair back in Dec., the whole time he was telling me there was no personal contact(they work together-she's his secr. and the CEO's secr.)Where was the honesty back in Dec., Jan. Feb. and March when I asked him if he was seeing her again personally.(had real suspicions then)No contact lasted about 6wks. from the previous time. I think the second time hurt 10x's more(first time lasted 1 yr.)and I hurt so bad the first time I thought I would die.<P>I'm giving H a second chance. It's extremely hard for me but I know in my heart that I'd regret not giving our marriage one more try. Do I think he'll fall back into same situation? Honestly, I don't know. H is seeing counselor now. Refuses to do joint counseling; why I don't know and he won't say. I know your pain, suffering and heart ache; believe me I do. My heart goes out to you. Be strong for yourself and your kids. My mother always says "God never gives you more than you can handle." but I think He's coming really, really close.<P>My prayers and thoughts will be with you.
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798 |
Invictus,<BR>I think a legal separation and/or Plan B could be right on target for you. Will you have the kids then? Make them your priority. They need you. Separation is tough on the kids, and there's a fairly recent study about kids and divorce that really shows negative, long-range effects.<P>I found Plan B with kids to be difficult, we don't have nearby relatives and I didn't want to put that go-between burden on any of my worn-out friends. My counselor advised me to act "as if" divorced, and like you sound, I was finally ready to do that, cut the emotional & social ties so to speak, but be an amicable co-parent.<P>Throw the ball in her court. If she wants the marriage, she'll have to do a lot of work, act trustworthily, see a counselor, prove the worth of any promises that she's already broken. There comes a time where if there is going to be a reconciliation it does take both partners...and of course that time varies greatly from situation to situation, and experiences & coping abilities.<P>You do sound calm. When I went into my D lawyer, she said I was about as calm as she sees. My H & I have made it into recovery, but he really has done his share of the work this time. The committment and action are there.
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Joined: Mar 2001
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I have felt the first spark of relief. It scares me and feels very foreign. I have been under her thumb for a long time. I am abused.
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