A few weeks ago, my WS and I broke off the beginnings of divorce thru mediation when she asked if we could give our marriage yet another chance. From some of my other posts, some of you know that this is my third attempt at reconcilliation - each previous time was broken down by my wife's continued seeing of OM.<P>When she asked to give us another chance, it was thru a letter (since we really have a difficult time talking about tough issues thru all this) - and although I first figured this was the same old, same old, she did claim for the first time to acknowledge that it was her who needed to do the work and make the changes needed to make our marriage work. This gave me hope and I've been plan A'ing like a trooper ever since.<P>Although she initially seemed closer and more open (especially via email, which has been the most productive form of communication between us lately - although we live in the same house!), the last week she has returned to being distant and aloof. Many of my emails to her go unaswered and even unacknowledged. I just found out she changed her cell phone account to one using a phone card (so there is no record of calls made to check - one of the ways I found out about her lying in the past), and she has changed the password on her voice mail.<P>So many red flags, I can't help but think she's back to lying about OM, but I know from experience and opinions here from another thread of mine that asking her outright is pointless and probably a LB.<P>When I came to my last revelation about her lying (almost 4 mos ago), I vowed to myself to give up checking on her and haven't since. I figured, what's the point of torturing myself trying to find out - I can't stop her anymore the next time as I could the times before.<P>So, my question is: when have other BS here finally given up checking up on WS for lying about OM? Do you ever? Is it best to just leave it alone or to know for sure?<P>When we were into divorce, I took major steps in my personal growth and feel comfortable that I've done all I could do to save our marriage - no regrets. So, I'm torn about knowing that she is still being unfaithful and getting out before I lose that emotional edge. Or, simply accepting what is and I can't change that - holding out by hope that no matter what is going on, she asked me to continue working on our marriage, so that must mean something.<P>What do you all think?<P>Thanks!

Egad,<P>I have stopped checking on my WS now as of about 4 weeks ago. It hurt too much. I am not convinced that I have done the right thing. I found out last Oct about EMA. I think that he ended it about two months ago but continues to do bizarre things and not be where he says he is going. Right now he says he has gone to a Men's Group. Well I know for a fact that they don't run on the first Monday of the month. I am not going to even ask when he gets home where he has been.<P>Honesty is supposed to be the first step to reconciliation. Have we both maybe lost sight of this? I think if my WS wants a relationship he has to be honest. I can't force this out of him though. He has to do it. I used to spend 90% of my time worrying where he was and trying to find out what he was doing. This is a huge waste of energy.<P>I hope my story helps you a little. You need all the strength you can get for yourself. I know I do.<P>Hugs to you

I have taken a different approach to this. I feel that it is my WH's responsibility to prove to me that he is trustworthy. He has taken some major steps to do this. Here are some of the things he did.<P>He gave me the passwords to all of his email accounts, IM accounts and computers. <P>He sat down with me and deleted his entire IM buddy list (all 60 women) and all non-family and very close friend email addresses from his email accounts.<P>He installed monitoring software on all our our computers, including the lap top he uses for work. I can check these at any time.<P>We spend tons more time together - he is no longer online after work and weekends.<P>When he travels he chats with me and calls me a lot. Since his laptop has the monitoring software on it, it will record if he chats. <P>I have total access to his cell phone. <P>He shows me his hotel bills and phone logs after each trip. <P>Of course there are still ways he could contact women online or any other way, but it's a small window.<P>Does this seem harsh? Maybe, but he volunteered these things because he knew that I would ask him to leave if he did not take some very definate steps.<P>Since we have pledged total honesty and opennes with eachother I am doing the same things in return for him. Trust is not a one way street. Even now, as I type this my monitoring software is on.<P>My husband knows that if he were to stop doing these things, it would be immediate plan b.<P>my 2 cents<BR>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi,<P>I agree with Zorweb.... H came home on the conditions of not us pleasing him but he showing value to bring to the family. He had to prove to us that we would want him back. He had to earn our trust and respect. <P>He is still in that proving stage and him being honest, giving me full access to all accounts, monitoring calls, pager, etc. H does give info when asked, but rarely volunteers. H says sometimes I ask too quickly so I am trying to be patient. So far I am still the one initiating. H has been asked to work on that and he says he is trying. <P>When do I stop checking. Well we are in week #5 and still checking daily.... Don't know when yet, though H knows it will stop when I feel comfortable. Of course I periodically ask him if he is ok with my asking. I will adjust as needed. You see I don't want to remind him of OW just need to know if there is contact or any sort. You sometimes have to be very clear because the WS will try to use your words to trick you. You ask for any contact by saying, have you talked to her today? WS may say no because he 'only left her a voicemail'. Hmm.... in my books that's contact. So the communication question is all encompassing. <P>OW accused me of monitoring H like a hawk. Hm.... well better that than being a mosquito like OW, that blood sucking..... ooh, that's another subject...<P>Gotta go.<BR>L.<BR>

These responses raise some questions...<P>When my WSand I were in our 2nd attempt at reconcilliation, she did make extra effort to account for her whereabouts - phone calls mostly, but also talking about her schedule/plans on a day to day basis, etc.<P>Now this time, she has not voluntarily restarted that process. There are no calls letting me know she'll be "late" getting home, the deal with the cell phone card (mentioned above), no acess to voicemail, etc.<P>Therefore, does one just come right out and ask, "hey, we need to get back to a policy of complete openness about things"? She wasn't completely in favor of it last time - claiming she felt like she was back in high school, having to account for her whereabouts every minute. And, I'm sure asking this time will lead to the same feelings and open a can of worms about, "you still don't trust me...".<P>So, what is the better way to approach this: just let it slide for now or make a request to resume policy of openness? Snooping and checking behind the scenes was too emotionally exhausting (although she was caught every time I did that in he past...) - or is this an option, too?<P>Thanks!

These responses raise some questions...<P>When my WSand I were in our 2nd attempt at reconcilliation, she did make extra effort to account for her whereabouts - phone calls mostly, but also talking about her schedule/plans on a day to day basis, etc.<P>Now this time, she has not voluntarily restarted that process. There are no calls letting me know she'll be "late" getting home, the deal with the cell phone card (mentioned above), no acess to voicemail, etc.<P>Therefore, does one just come right out and ask, "hey, we need to get back to a policy of complete openness about things"? She wasn't completely in favor of it last time - claiming she felt like she was back in high school, having to account for her whereabouts every minute. And, I'm sure asking this time will lead to the same feelings and open a can of worms about, "you still don't trust me...".<P>So, what is the better way to approach this: just let it slide for now or make a request to resume policy of openness? Snooping and checking behind the scenes was too emotionally exhausting (although she was caught every time I did that in he past...) - or is this an option, too?<P>Thanks!

These responses raise some questions...<P>When my WSand I were in our 2nd attempt at reconcilliation, she did make extra effort to account for her whereabouts - phone calls mostly, but also talking about her schedule/plans on a day to day basis, etc.<P>Now this time, she has not voluntarily restarted that process. There are no calls letting me know she'll be "late" getting home, the deal with the cell phone card (mentioned above), no acess to voicemail, etc.<P>Therefore, does one just come right out and ask, "hey, we need to get back to a policy of complete openness about things"? She wasn't completely in favor of it last time - claiming she felt like she was back in high school, having to account for her whereabouts every minute. And, I'm sure asking this time will lead to the same feelings and open a can of worms about, "you still don't trust me...".<P>So, what is the better way to approach this: just let it slide for now or make a request to resume policy of openness? Snooping and checking behind the scenes was too emotionally exhausting (although she was caught every time I did that in he past...) - or is this an option, too?<P>Thanks!

These responses raise some questions...<P>When my WSand I were in our 2nd attempt at reconcilliation, she did make extra effort to account for her whereabouts - phone calls mostly, but also talking about her schedule/plans on a day to day basis, etc.<P>Now this time, she has not voluntarily restarted that process. There are no calls letting me know she'll be "late" getting home, the deal with the cell phone card (mentioned above), no acess to voicemail, etc.<P>Therefore, does one just come right out and ask, "hey, we need to get back to a policy of complete openness about things"? She wasn't completely in favor of it last time - claiming she felt like she was back in high school, having to account for her whereabouts every minute. And, I'm sure asking this time will lead to the same feelings and open a can of worms about, "you still don't trust me...".<P>So, what is the better way to approach this: just let it slide for now or make a request to resume policy of openness? Snooping and checking behind the scenes was too emotionally exhausting (although she was caught every time I did that in he past...) - or is this an option, too?<P>Thanks!

I agree with Zorweb! My H is making everything available to me. When we can't be together for one reason or another, we keep in contact via cell phone. I have all passwords and we no longer use IMs. I also have a male contact he works with (the systems administrator) who knows what's going on. He is keeping accountability with my H and they are attending a men's group addressing sexual sins.<P>I would love to stop checking up and babysitting my H bcs it is emotionally exhausting, but for now I need to do it to see he is truly working on recovering our marriage.<P>Last year it was me doing everything - making the rebuilding plans, etc., and basically dictating our recovery. Since the last incident, it's been him making himself accountable and I'm basically following his lead. I think he's sincere for the first time (although I've said that before).<P>After my H's 2 day disappearance in Septembr '00 I gave up emotionally and let go. I stopped snooping or asking questions and I felt our marriage was flourishing. 6 months later I asked to see his email and found the potential OW he was emailing with. So, my eyes were again wide open.<P>I wish you luck!<P>