Ok here goes - Married 12 years this year. First 10 years pretty perfect. Normal problems... H not thinking he's getting enough, money struggles, etc. EVERYBODY thought we were model couple. H didn't want to go have beers with friends after work. Honestly wanted to be with W. Kids born in '92...W's self-esteem suffers for a while. Sex suffers for a while. Things back on track as kids get older. We start to experiment with sex. Internet, telephone, public places, finally other people (together). Some real good, some not so good. H starts to go through mild depressed period. Nothing is right. Everybody makes him mad. W goes on vacation to visit family by herself. When W comes home, everything has changed. W has new outlook. Not going to put up with things. Expresses that she has been living for H for too long and its her turn. Everything is so-so for a while. Finally arguements. Bigger. Bigger. Husband moves out. Start counseling. Not working. W feels as though she's being asked to move way too fast. W decides that individual counseling is better option. H feels as though individual counseling is great tool but joint counseling too. separation lasts 9 months. H feels as though only reason he was allowed to come home is money was running out. Been home for 9 months now. Lots of trust issues. Sex issues. Independence issues. W now says thats we have to become friends first and all else will follow. She wants intimacy without sex but H's feeling is she's not willing to initiate intimate contact. She only says goodnight when H says first. Only says I love you when H says first. Stuff like that.. I'm getting pretty damned fed-up with being the bad guy. What happened to it takes to to make and two to break and two to fix??? Losing my incentive to stay here. Nobody should have to live like this.

Have you two read the His Needs/Her Needs book? It is a great tool for restoring love. Also, available by the Harley's is counseling. They concentrate on rebuilding the marriage rather than how some counselors will focus on the individual.

Can't get W to read anything like that because she's absolutely convinced that we'll only get better if I get better first. She says she's "fixed" herself, now its time to fix me.

It sounds like you both have needs that are not being met. You are both TALKING about what the other wants, but you are NOT LISTENING nor are you trying to understand where this all stems from. You both said you are trying, but you are trying to satisfy the self not each other.

Most often we do not understand eachothers needs. Read the bood yourself. You will come to a new understanding of what women really want. You can ask her to fill out the questionnare so that YOU can learn what her needs are and how to meet them. The book is very matter of fact, an easy read. Check up on Plan A. It couldn't hurt to implement a little of that also.