I am probably laying too much blame on myself but I think that is for two reasons. 1) That might be the only way I can justify her affair to the point where I can forgive her. 2) If I try to blame her she throws the neglect back in my face. She doesn't want to work on it too hard anymore so if I stick to my guns she will be gone. Just last night I tried to tell her that I have been bearing the brunt of the blame with everyone I talk to and everyone keeps telling me that, "no it's 50/50." She said that was BS. She deserves some blame but not 50%. Can you believe that? Right now even though we are still married, she feels like we are not and says that she wants to do everything she wants to be happy. She is going to talk to the OM if that makes her happy. She swears that there is no romance anymore that it is strictly as friends. I think I actually believe her because right now she is being brutally honest about everything else. I just wish she could see how bad she is hurting me by even staying on contact with this jerk. She keeps telling me to stop trying to fix the marriage and start from the beginning. I need to get her to like me as a person again. Then I need her to want to spend time with me and become friends again. Then we can start dating again and then see if we want to be married still. She feels like we have to start at the beginning but I'm trying to skip a lot of steps. I guess she's got a point but it's so hard to remove myself from the marriage and start over. She also feels like I am trying to control her by dictating who she can see and talk to. I am turning all of her friends and family against her. And by calling to build a friendship again she feels like I'm simply checking up on her to keep her under my thumb. She has basically told me that I have one more chance, only one, to snap out of my depression over this situation, give her some space and start being my happy self again so she can begin to like me again or it's over because she is so tired of fighting and putting out so much effort. Lord, please give me the strength to get through this and save my marriage!<P>Dave<BR>

dg,<P>In the beginning WS's cannot see their part (or don't want to acknowledge) in why the A occurred. They can only focus on how YOU caused them to do all this...<P>I don't even talk about blame at this point, my H is not ready.<P>Focus on yourself. Change in yourself what you feel needs to be changed. I demanded a lot of my H. I expected a lot from him. I totally quit. He does what he does and I appreciate him for it. I would get very angry and have huge outbursts. I have not done that since d-day.<P>I have quit asking questions about A and OW. I focus on our house and our relationship. I can only control me and my thoughts.<P>I think going on Celexa helped me to focus better and not be so emotional.<P>My H and I have started going out every weekend. I am focusing on doing the things I know he likes to do and making conversation about his favorite topics. Yes, it is artificial right now and many of my EN's are not being met, but the end result will be worth it.<P>I also look at H's actions and not his words. "I don't want to be married." but he's making no moves to leave. "I don't want to be intimate with you." but we have been. "I don't love you that way." but at night he holds me really close when he's asleep. <P>Do get some help for you for your depression, if you haven't already. I was amazed at the difference in how I felt and how I handled things.<P>Keep posting and venting here!<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Dave - don't try to justify the affair. There can be no justification. She made the decision on her own. You are not to blame WHATSOEVER!!! That said, you both had a role in creating the fertile environment for the affair to occur and it doesn't matter who is more to blame.<P>Don't blame her for anything. It will just make her defensive and withdraw from you even further. What you need to do at this time is counterintuitive - validate her feelings and look at yourself for needed improvements. This is the essence of Plan A. Be her friend first and work on fixing the things you have control over - yourself, your actions, your words.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dgferret:<BR><B>She swears that there is no romance anymore that it is strictly as friends. I think I actually believe her because right now she is being brutally honest about everything else. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Be careful what you believe. It sounds as if she's still very much involved - "just friends" is a universal statement.<P>Now, if you're acting needy and clingy like a whipped puppy, stop it. Sure, you're justified, but stop it. <P>She does have a point about starting over from the beginning, but even she is not ready for that. She is still involved with OM and no rebuilding can occur with him in the picture. But you cannot end the affair, they have to do it themselves. In contrast, you CAN make the affair more durable by driving her further away in your efforts to influence it - she'll have no one else to turn to.<P>Read everything on this site and get smart about Plan A. Consider seeing a doctor about depression - it's very common among us BSs (and WSs for that matter).<P>WAT

Everybody keeps talking about "Plan A/B". I can't find anything about it on this site. Can someone enlighten me?<P>Dave

Here is a link to Dr Harley's columns on Surviving Infidelity- read it all. On the left you will se green links- look for What Is Plan A/ Plan B. Spend some time absorbing it all, there is alot of good advice here for you. In fact after you have read it you might wantto call for a one on one advice session if you can afford it. (cheaper than divorce)<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A>

dgferret:<BR><B>Everybody keeps talking about "Plan A/B". I can't find anything about it on this site. Can someone enlighten me?<BR></B><P>Go to just found out > Noteable Posts/Threads. I copied the following for you, but there are many more resources there.<P><B>Plan A:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010399.html" TARGET=_blank> TODAY I LOST IT!!!</A>…..ThisAlex/Genie29…..12/5/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>…..NSR…..6/10/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000431.html" TARGET=_blank>Question for Plan A Veterans</A>…..lostva/K to quandry…..2/2/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000023.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A.What's the amount of time? Help!!!</A>…..w.g.up.h…..2/2/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000484.html" TARGET=_blank>When is enough enough ?</A>…..Bozos_ Deb…..2/4/2000...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000477.html" TARGET=_blank>(related thread)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002461.html" TARGET=_blank>To, Sir Hurts Alot</A>…..TomH…..4/19/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000086.html" TARGET=_blank>Is Plan A just a big act?</A>…..kancan…..5/7/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004291.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A is Power!</A>…..az allison…..7/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000971.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A versus Doormat </A>…..Everhopeful…..8/10/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004726.html" TARGET=_blank>Question for the MB Veterans(Honesty) - Let's Agree to Disagree Here</A>…..Carolina Belle…..8/22/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007064.html" TARGET=_blank>Length of time for Plan A.....let's have a discussion!</A>…..mthrrhbard…..1/6/2001<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007757.html" TARGET=_blank>The Misapplication of Plan A</A>…..Distressed…..2/27/2001<P><B>Plan B:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>…..NSR…..6/10/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000149.html" TARGET=_blank>2 year time frame?</A>…..already divorced…..1/22/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004474.html" TARGET=_blank>Do WS's Ever REALLY Come Back after plan B, or is that just in the book?</A>…..Bernzini…..8/11/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/005029.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B isn't for Wimps!</A>…..Resilient…..9/9/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>…..NSR…..9/29/2000<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7