I would love to hear about success and how long it took after DDay to see success. Signs of success would also be appreciated.<P>Thanks<P>Cleo

cleo77~<P>Let me think (ouch), anyhow, we are now alomst 10 months since the last d-day and the results are great. We keep growing. It seemed that the first sign I noticed was he seemed less tense and smiled more. He would do things for me and was concerned about my needs and feelings.<P>We still have bad days, both of us and they are less and less, but the wound is not as exposed as before.<P>Judy

Cleo- I would say we're just really STARTING recovery and we're 3 and a half months past d-day which was valentines day. H is midlife crisis ( 42!) and his A with a single coworker was very emotionally intense. He was convinced he was in love with her and out of love with me. Told me when he confessed that our marriage was over in his head and he was leaving me for her. ( OUCH!) I was way too shocked to even yell at him. He wavered for 10 days then moved out for 3 wks then back in saying he would reconcile with me but was here in body only. ( lump on couch who kept mentioning divorce every wk) OW moved away but still secretly contacted H urging him to divorce me. At her urging he filed for D on me but cancelled it. I had got my own lawyer and was ready to go after him if necessary. But told him all along I am against divorce. ( as is God). H finally quit contacting OW and his mind is finally starting to clear about 4-6 wks after that. H was quite depressed the first few wks of no contact telling me our marriage was hopeless. But he finally said he would do joint counseling with me. I believe he was emotionally addicted and controlled by OW which appealed to him at some level. I stayed in a Plan A most of the time with good results- the one wk we fought alot was also the week he filed for D on me. I hope this story gives you hope. My gosh- trying to break H's attachment to OW was like getting a bone out of a rottweiler's mouth I swear! If I had really gotten mad at him alot I think he would have left me for her. lifeismessy PS I recommend praying from the book Power of a Praying Wife IF youre religious this book is terrific!

Good question...I hope it generates a good thread.<P>I liked bighope's addition of "first sign." Maybe that will help some of us still in the land of confusion.

Hi,<BR>I only recently started coming back here...just to check in and see if I could help. This site was here when I really needed it, and now I am so thankful to be a "success story."<P>In November of 1997, my husband confessed he had feelings for a co-worker. I knew he had been talking with her socially, but was shocked and devastated to find this out. We were high school sweethearts and had a strong relationship. We had made it through times of separation during dating and were best friends. Unfortunately, at this time, we were going through a stressful time. I was working on my master's degree and he was also going to school at night. At the time of this confession, the relationship had not been physical, and he assured me it never would be. He agreed to not talk to her again, although they would continue to work at the same place. <P>Unfortunatly, all this did was create a place for lies in the relationship. He did try to not talk with her, but needless to say, he had already fallen into love, and he could not keep this up for long. A few months later, (around February of 1998) the sexual aspect of the relationship began and lasted until June. (Of course not known to me) During this time, H was moody, short-tempered, promised he was not communicating with her, but did admit he missed her and was having a difficult time with the no-contact rule. I asked him repeatedly if something had happened between them sexually and he denied it. He did admit on a few occassions if he had resumed talking with her, but only as friends. He promised to try to stop even saying "hi" to her. My H was someone I admired greatly with very high morals and standards. He was a very spiritual person, active in our church, and I had known him since he was 15!!! I knew him so well (I thought) that I was in complete denial that the relationship had gone as far as it did. I thought he could never be capable of this.<P>Finally in June, I had gotten tired of what I saw in him. He was still so depressed over the loss of her friendship (he said) and did not seem to be putting forth effort in our relationship. I knew in my gut something was not right, but I was still in denial that it was a full-blown affair. I couldn't imagine why he was not getting over her if he was being truthful about the situation. I left for a few days and he finally came to see me. He confessed they had slept together. I honestly felt like someone socked my in the stomach and I literally felt my heart break. I sobbed, cried, raged, and felt my dreams of my life and my H literally shatter.<P>He was very sweet and committed to making it work (in the beginning). That is finally why he confessed. He actually went to our pastor first and told him and asked if he needed to let me know and start from gound zero with all the hurt, or if he needed to just end the affair. Our pastor wisely said I needed to know even though it would be painful. Like I said earlier, my H was sweet and committed in the beginning, but then the withdrawl began. That's when he started becoming obsessed. After he broke things off with her, she started intentionally trying to make him jealous at work by flirting and wearing provocative clothes. (Although she was married this whole time)She would lead him into a trap of needing her and he would follow every time like he had a ring in his nose. I laugh now when I read people's posts about WSs losing their mind, cause they really do for a while. To try to make a long story a little shorter... during this time I discovered MB and started plan A'ing and things got tons better. <P>We were in denial he would have to leave his job/our hometown, but we eventually realized it was the only way because of the level of his obsession for her. She finally confessed that she had an abortion (I still don't know if I believe it)and that she thought it was his child. That sent my H over the edge. (He is strongly anti-abortion) He still loved her very much and probably would have wanted a child with her. He finally said that enough is enough. He gave her the option to start a life with him and leave her H. He wanted to, in a weird way, replace the child he thought was lost and be with her forever. If she did not go, he was still going to leave, but it would be to get over her and possibly re-build a life with me. Needless to say, I felt like 2nd choice. Thank God, she did not go. After about 4 months (Fall of 1999) I came to join him leaving my family, friends, hometown and job.<P>Now to the good part, after severe withdrawl and pain, my H is truly in love with me again. We have such a good relationship and I truly trust him. He is so caring, romantic, and my best friend. We are now trying for our first child. I think he lost his mind for a while, but now it is literally so great. Harley's principles work. The only way I could Plan A was through prayer and absolute surrender to God. It is nearly impossible to Plan A on your own strength and not LB when your WS is being so hurtful and selfish. It has been a long hard road full of work,pain,and tears but I can honestly say we are better today than before. You will get unspeakable satisfaction from working for the healing of your marriage. It is not the easy road, but it is right.<P>Be encouraged... It is not fair but stick with the course. I am sorry for the pain I know a lot of you are enduring, but a rebuilt marriage is priceless.<P>With prayers and best wishes,<BR>Jen<p>[This message has been edited by JenniJ (edited June 05, 2001).]

Hello cleo.<BR>I am one of the success stories.<BR>Affair happened 3 years ago, and it lasted ... well officially about 5 months but there was still some telephone talking for a bit longer.<P>HOw bad was it? well serious enough for h to comtemplate leaving - had the suitcase in the car for almost a month - decide he didn't want us to try and work out on our marriage not because it wouldn't work, but because he didn't want to, be cold and hurtfull in the process and for me to - even thought I decided on what was later called the plan A - really think that maybe that was it and there was nothing else that could be done.<P>Well I"m glad I was able to stay on plan A. It certainly worked and is still working on this third year. We're doing fine and our marriage is going strong.<P>I could tell you more, but I know what happens when I start writing : I have trouble stopping LOL<BR>And I have a meeting really early in themorning.<BR>But if you have any questions go ahead, I will try to be here again tomorrow night.<BR>Hugs to you<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

My actual D-day was the day he ended the A and moved back home. Once she got dumped the OW couldn't wait to pick up that phone. His A lasted about 6 months, he abruptly moved out afew weeks into it. I was pretty sure there was an A, positive there had been an inappropriate friendship. H denied everything right up until the phone call. During our separation he came and went afew times. When he came back the final time he was definitely ready and glad to be home. So there was immediate improvement.

I haven't been here in so long that I decided to come see the place again. D-Day was 2 1/2 years ago, with a few bumps here and there until things are back to where they should be as of last summer. We went back to church as a family, I went on an anti-depressant for panic/anxiety attacks, he went on the C-PAP since he was so sleep deprived from severe sleep apnea. His mood changed considerably from getting REM sleep, and he's his old happy self. <P>I think a combination of things contributed to his affair (I know he met a couple women but only admits to one affair), but we made it through and are very happy together again. We've been married 20 years now, and really enjoy each other's company. His was an Internet affair (chat rooms) that turned physical. I almost feel like it never happened. That's how good I'm feeling nowadays. Things just feel "right" again.