"I can't make you love me if you don't...I can't make your heart feel something it won't..."<P>Should I give up?<P>H discovered my A about six weeks ago. Prior to my beginning my affair, our sex life and physical affection was practically non-existent. What little sex there was was very mechanical and usually occured without kissing or other signs of love (on his part). H admitted to having lost physical attraction to me prior to my affair. Of course, after disovering my affair, this has only gotten worse. He is sleeping in the spare bedroom, and will not make even the smallest affectionate gesture to me. No hugs or kisses goodye when he leaves for work--nothing. He pulls away when i try to brush crumbs off his shirt.<P>Just a few days ago, he told me that he "has no problem" continuing to live with me and raise our son together, but that he feels he will never regain his love or physical attraction to me. <P>I've read the Harley book and three others, and I can't find anything on how to solve our particular problem. So, do I hang on and stay in the marriage or throw in the towel? Is there any hope that he can change? I feel so incredibly lonely right now. As badly as I wanted to save my marriage, I am beginning to wonder if it's really time to leave. Are we just dragging out the inevitable? Would I be happier with someone else?<P>While I regret my A and feel terrible about having done it, I did learn that someone else can love me and be affectionate toward me. There is just no comparison to how OM treated me and how my H treats me. And yet, my marriage is still what I want, if it could be. <P>I don't see my H trying at all to save our marriage. In fact, I don't think he places any value on our marriage or the family lifestyle that we have. He told me two weeks ago he was getting his own place, had made a deposit and signed a lease, and then three days later said it wasn't true. <P>What do you think, MB mentors? Let it go, or keep trying? I just can't live in limbo much longer. I feel as if I'm trying to save my marriage all alone out here, and I can't do it without his help. <P>

CAlla- I do like that Bonnie Raitt song. However in my opinion 6 wks past d-day is way too soon to write off your marriage. My gosh my H filed for D on me 8 wks after I discovered his A saying our marriage was hopeless,he had no feelings left for me, was out of love with me, counseling couldnt help, he wanted out, it would best for both of us etc etc! Yet he cancelled the papers the next day. And now its 6 wks past then and we've started marriage counseling. We too had major intimacy problems before the A. Yet when I think back to our 2 yrs of dating before marriage we had plenty of fireworks there. I dont believe those embers ever truly die out they just need a major windstorm to kick them back up. Our counselor said we had gotten into very bad patterns so its going to take at least a year of counseling to help us. But thats still way cheaper than a divorce. And I want to know I've done everything possible to save my marriage first before I have to tell my 3 kids it is over.Good luck to you whatever you decide. lifeismessy

lifeismessy,<BR>thanks for your thoughts. I guess six weeks since d-day doesn't seem like that long, and really it's not. My frustration lies with the fact that my H is doing nothing to improve our marriage or to encourage healing between us. Frankly, I'm afraid that the longer we sleep apart, the longer we go without any touching or affection, the harder it would be to try and renew that.<P>And also honestly, when I see no effort from him, at times that just makes me want to run back to the OM. My H can't tell me if he's actually made a decision about making our marriage work or not. It's been six weeks of awful limbo. It all boils down to one thing: I don't want a roomate--I want a husband. I don't expect him to forgive me instantly...all I want is a comittment to our recovery, and that's what he cant' seem to give me. Hence, my frustration.<P>Your own story is remarkable. You have truly gone to the edge and are workign your way back! I wish you the best!<BR>thanks,<BR>calla

As a BS i might be able to help you understand what your H may be going thru. 6 weeks isn't a lot of time when the hurt has been as deep as his. Pulling away is a natural reaction for many. I went thru the same thing, wanting to be as close as possible but then not wanting the WS to even touch me. Some of this was due to a lose of self-esteem and a feeling that I wasn't good enough in the sex department or WS would have never had A. I now realize the the A was never about sex but your husband my not know this. While the sex may have been a big part of the A I understand that it was really the closeness my WS was seeking. It has been almost 9 months since D-Day and things are still rocky at times but the total darkness that once surrounded us does turn gray every now and then as if the light at the end of the tunnel is trying to break thru. Keep your chin up and try to get H to visit this site. Good luck in your effoerts to rebuild your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Hi Calla,<P>Now into my 4th month (D-day was Feb. 6th) I can tell you that the best thing right now is to try and make your husband see that you know it was a mistake and you really do love him. My self esteem took a major hit and will take time to heal. My W is just now getting to the point were she is assuring me that it won't happen again. It's helping but don't expect him to "just get over it" because you feel bad. He needs to grieve and sort things out in his head. Just be there for him and show that you care and you will be giving yourself, him and the relationship the greatest chance for survival through this stage. Send your husband to the site to get help because some of us have answers to some of his questions. Take care of yourself, and your husband.<P>Jab