Oh man. I am trying so hard not to freak out, but it's not working. I'm real jittery, jumping around and just totally not in control. I don't want to do anything!!<P>I'm home alone with my 3 kids and I know I have to get a grib and take care of them, but I just want to crawl in a corner. Help me snap out of it. <P>My H has been totally gone for like 36 hours. It was 30 hours before he even contacted me. Then it was just a cryptic email. It's my birthday today and he didn't even say "happy birthday". The email said: <P>"Hi, I don't have much time. How are you doing? How are the kids? I am doing okay. A little tired. I have to stop in to pick up some more stuff, I will take the trash out when I do. <P>Let me know when my bills atart to come in. Keep in touch with me, we need to talk soon."<P>So I'm freaking out because he was supposed to talk with OW yesterday and I don't know what happened, if he is getting back with her or not! I think he would have wrote something to me about it, but maybe not... Also, he doesn't have email at his house, so I don't know where he was when he wrote this, all I can think is that he's at OW's place. <P>Oh man. I HATE not knowing. I want to go drive around and find him wherever he is and get him to tell me what is up, right now! He doesn't have a phone yet so I can't call him.<P>AND, when he came by today, he DIDN'T leave the keys like he was supposed to, AGAIN! Sometimes I think it's on purpose. And he did the dishes...<P>Ugh. It's so hard, I guess I feel a little better, but I need to go do something and not let my house get to be a wreck and actually take care of my kids...<P>Plus it's my birthday. I was supposed to go jetskiing with some friends, but they had to cancel at the last minute to take their daughter to the doctor (sore throat). Now it's too late to make other plans. What a sucky birthday.

Okay, I guess venting made me feel a little bit better. You'll be happy to know I managed to get my two oldest kids outside to play and give the baby a bath. <P>It is so hard. My closest friends/family are two hours away. When you think of me envision the H that has basically no household skills who loses his W and now finds himself taking care of 3 small children. I am the W myself, but that is what it is like. My husband always took care of the house,cooking and kids during the day. At least I have parenting skills and am good at that. The house, however, is just a wreck, and as for eating, I feel like take-out is the only thing I have time for now.<P>I know, just breathe, let the house fall to pieces, just take care of the kids and me. <P>Sometimes I get so mad at my H for putting me through this. He KNOWS how tough it is to take care of 3 small kids and manage the house. It used to drive him bonkers and when I got home from work I would give him his break and take the kids off his hands. How he could leave me alone to do all this by myself is beyond me. Especially during hell time (the two times a day when all of them need you at once and you can only help one at a time. We used to ALWAYS make sure we were both around during these times to help the other parent out).<P>I suppose I should go round up the gang and get them ready for bed, hell time begins.

Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!<P>You have to put faith in God and be strong. <BR>You can do it! Your children depend on you. <BR>I can't even imagine 'no contact.' I'm sorry you<BR>have to go through it.<P>Take this time to become strong. Three small children<BR>is hard. I have three boys! (7, 5 and 2) I work <BR>all day as a teacher and come home to the same stuff<BR>I leave at school! So I know how hard it is. <P>Have you been taking your meds? I seem to remember you<BR>posting that you kept forgetting? Take them. After two<BR>weeks, I am thinking much more clearly. <P>You cannot control his actions or thoughts, only yours.<BR>Write some positive stuff and post it all over your house. Your children will appreciate your strong modeling!<P>You are in my prayers, hurt<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Dear HbH,<P>Please my dear, pull yourself together. You can not predict or control what or where your H is doing or going. <P>I know you are anxious and want resolution now. We all do but life does not let us always have our way. <P>With this knowledge now step back, take hold of our kids and love those around you. Share with them and hug them. Let them be your support. <P>Something may indeed be going on with your H but since you are not privy to it, all your stress from that worry will only weigh you down. You and your little ones do not need that extra burden. For their sake, please pull back. I know it is easier said than done but I had to do the same and that is the advice I received. It was the right thing to do, I just had to make a mental adjustment. But when I did, it brough tremendous relief. I could not see how much all this was weighing me down. It was like I could breathe again. <P>Try this if you can. Post here to relieve your stress. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Cali, thanks for the support. I think you and I spend WAY too much time on the MB website. It seems to be the only thing that helps me to keep going though. I forgot two days in a row to take the meds but I remembered today. I am not sure if they are helping or not. I've only been on them for 2 weeks, so it probably hasn't been long enough.<P>Orchid, Thanks. I know you are right, but it is SO difficult for me (as I know it is for most of the BS's out here). I am slowly getting better, but my adjustments are just coming at such a rapid rate. <P>Believe me, the being jittery and jumping around is nothing compared to just 3 weeks ago. At that time I was very suicidal, thank God I'm over that at least!<P>I have stepped back bigtime since all this has began. Guess I have to learn to step back some more. I will try, God give me strength.