MM called me yesterday. I was on the other line so his number didn't show up on the caller ID and when I answered he just started talking. He said that they had already moved into their new home and W is past her due date, they are going to induce labor on Monday. I was quiet while he was talking. He said he wanted to see me that day but I told him I just couldn't do it. So then he said how about today. I told him I didn't think I'd be able to because I have a lot of stuff to do. He asked could I work in a few minutes for him and I said I didn't know. I don't want to go see him and I KNOW that I'm NOT going to go see him, but I don't want to be cold to him either. Maybe after the affair has ended for at least a year, we could not neccessarily be friends but we can be civil to one another. I don't want to alienate him FOREVER, just long enough for this thing to end and for him to be on the right track with his family.

It sounds very good that you have resolved not to see him. You did good telling him you are too busy. Maybe after some time apart you will be able to tell him that there should be no contact at all. <BR>Also, I completely understand what you are saying about wanting to be able to be civil with each other but, I dont think that if he puts things back together with his wife there will be much need for continued contact. Too much water under the bridge. Who knows, after a year, you may not even care if you ever see him again. <BR>

All this is going on in his life and he wants to meet you to fill his sex need?<P>Maybe you should think of it in terms of that.<P>Pretty sad : ((

My two cents' worth: <BR>I'm thinking of this man's wife. Moving into a new home, difficult pregnancy, induced labor, coming back to a new house, with a new baby, feeling ghastly, all the stress of motherhood. She desperately needs support from her husband. She won't get it while he's playing with you - at her expense. <P>You sound like you want to do the right thing even though it will cost you. But your continuing this relationship with this MM will cost you your self-respect. If you do the right thing and end it with him, you'll not only keep your self-esteem but build it greatly and be ready for a healthy relationship with somebody honourable.<P>Best wishes, truly. <P>

Hi,<P>I've written to you before... and I do know how you feel, since I was once an OW. I was also a betrayed spouse, several times over.<P>I feel for you, and wish there was something I could say that would make you cut contact with him once and for all.<P>I hate your MM. I hate him because his wife is struggling, about due with his child, and he is pining over you. He makes me sick to my stomach.<P><B>tooweak</B>, you are not too weak. But, you are being a bit naive ~ and I understand it, because I did the same. You can NEVER EVER EVER EVER be "friends" with this man. Can't happen. Have you ever tried to be friends with an old boyfriend who you slept with? It's really hard!! You have shared very intimate things together, and you just don't forget those things.<P>You do have to end it FOREVER. <P>The OM in my case STILL trys to send messages to me via my friends (we used to all work together, I left)... and I completely ignore him. Last week, my friend said, "OM is upset because you won't email him"... uh, um... let's see, we slept together once 2 1/2 years ago, my marriage is over, I left the job eight months ago and haven't seen him since, and I'm engaged to someone else... hmmm... and I would want to talk him why? Seriously. <P>He won't let go -- you have to -- you came here (to MB) for a reason, so let us help you!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I truly do wish I could cut all contact all at once...but it is just so HARD! I really do care about him and i guess I am being naive because I'm hoping to just fade into the background. I was once engaged to a guy and we are still friends. We keep in contact through phone calls and emails---but I guess it helps that he is more than halfway across the country;I'm in NC and he is in CO. Once I told MM that I wanted to end the relationship because I felt like all he wanted from me was sex and everytime we got together all we did was have sex and then he had to go and I felt like his little whore or something. I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. He said he completely understood and that he didn't mean for it to seem that way, especialy since we used to be so close and spend more "quality" time together. After that, he started seeing me just to spend time with me again ---without the sex and we talked alot. That really made me happy because he responded so quickly about it. This was only two or three months ago. Now I just don't want the sex part at all, just the friendship, but I KNOW that just can't happen right now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Now I just don't want the sex part at all, just the friendship, but I KNOW that just can't happen right now.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Ever.<P>It can't happen <B>EVER.</B> You will NEVER be “friends.” You will ALWAYS be the “OW” in his marriage.<P>ALWAYS.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

this may be a stupid question and if it is please forgive me and don't flame me for it but: even years down the road if I am no longer "involved" with this guy and we speak in terms of "how's the family? what's going on in your life now, here's what's going on in mine" I will STILL be considered the OW? I mean, my exfiance and I have remained good friends and we talk on that level---he tells me about girls he dates, I tell him about guys I see and it hasn't hendered our friendship. I mean, I believe I could do without his friendship if that's what it takes for him to reconnect to his wife, but is there really no room for a MM to be friends with an ex OW? By the way, MM caled a little while ago--right after I posted my last reply and I had my brother tell him I wasn't home because I knew he was calling about seeing me today.<BR>Also, another possibly stupid question: I've looked around on some of the other infidelity boards, namely the pregnancy/child one and I'm wondering if most BS feel like if their H fathers a child by an OW, he shouldn't be responsible financially or emotionally to that child? That's kind of amazing to me. I mean, I know an OC would cause some kind of pain to a BS but I always thought that whoever made the baby, (mom AND dad) should be held accountable for it. I have a lot to learn before (IF) I ever get married!

Honey, your ex-fiance is NOTHING like your MM. Your MM is {and forgive the sarcasm} MARRIED - (and stating the obvious here, and trying really hard not to flame, I promise) HE ISN'T MARRIED OR ENGAGED TO YOU.<P>Think about his wife for one second -- pregnant with her H's baby, hormones all over the map, baby late -- and she knows something's up (I'd put money on it, having been there myself) and she is helpless to do anything about it right now. God knows how she'll be when the post-partum blues hit. <P>You said something very wise in your last message -- that you are being used for sex only, that you are a whore. I felt like that too, and I only slept with the OM once. I felt like a whore, and truth be told, for that one afternoon, I WAS A WHORE. I might as well have gotten paid!<P>My affair cost me my marriage. Now, maybe it would have ended anyway (we had quite a passionate - including volatile - marriage, and infidelity on his side several times)... but the affair made it spiral out of control... my god... I wish you could understand... because I don't think you really truly do.<P>You can NEVER EVER even TALK to the OM again for your ENTIRE LIFE without knowing that you were his OW. My OM would like to think we can be friends, but we can't be. I have told my fiance about the OM even though he wasn't in the picture, wasn't my H at the time, and really has NO REASON to know... right? But the truth is, TOTAL HONESTY includes, for me, the WHOLE TRUTH ABOUT MY LIFE. My cheating was the WORST THING I have EVER DONE. When you can get to that point in your life, you'll understand.

tooweak,<P>I too was the OW with a MM who ended up divorced after his <BR>W found out. It was horrible for her. My H was so sweet and understanding that he stayed commited to me even tho I was out there wandering around in the fog. Anyways, I know how hard it is to break things off. When I first thought of breaking things off, I knew I couldn't do it. That I didn't want to even tho it was the right thing to do. when I finally wrote the letter of no contact, I really expected some contact. and when there was none, I was disappointed to a certain extent, but also relieved that he took my letter seriously. I had so many conflicting emotions. I thought I made a big mistake, then knew I hadn't. But my deepest regret is that his W chose to quickly get a divorce instead of trying to work things out. But then my OM thought I was going to divorce my H and we would live happily ever after. And I finally realized that I couldn't make my happiness by leaving others miserable behind me.<BR>I love my family too much for that. He thought if we just moved in together everything would work out fine and our families would get over all the hurt and pain and we could live our own lives. But I just couldn't do that.<P>I would like to know how you can even consider having any contact with this MM when you know in your heart how hurt his W will be? especially now when she could be having their baby anytime?<BR>Well, this is my two cents for what it's worth.<BR>dlm (debbie)<BR>

I don't want to hurt his wife at all...even though she had an affair herself, I don't think she deserves that kind of pain--especially not now. If he never tells her then I guess she will never know. I can't bring myself to tell her and possibly ruin their marriage when that's not what I have EVER wanted from him. There was one time when there was a girl that worked with him and they were just friends and his Wife let them go to the movies together alone. Turns out the other girl ended up liking him and he ended the friendship with her cuz he didn't like her like that and she was stepping over the line. Now, when all of this is said and done, I wouldn't dare put myself in a situation such as being alone with him at the movies, but yet in still, if she could let him go to the movies with that girl (I was more ticked about it than his Wife because he asked her about it and she said sure go ahead and he told me about it after the fact) surely she wouldn't have a problem with a phone conversation every once in a while with an old friend.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tooweak:<BR><B>I don't want to hurt his wife at all...even though she had an affair herself<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Huh? This is the first we've heard of this... hmmm... who told you this, him? I suspect he's lying... but that's just me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> Now, when all of this is said and done, I wouldn't dare put myself in a situation such as being alone with him at the movies, but yet in still, if she could let him go to the movies with that girl (I was more ticked about it than his Wife because he asked her about it and she said sure go ahead and he told me about it after the fact) surely she wouldn't have a problem with a phone conversation every once in a while with an old friend. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sigh. I give up -- I don't give up on you, tooweak, but I do give up trying to get you to understand. I still think you can be strong and do this. I wish you could be in my head, way after it's over, and feel what I do... life is precious, and you're about to blow it all forever. <P>I hope you leave this man alone, and ignore his attempts to contact you. He's a cheater and a liar and a fraud.

tooweak..<P>Sheryl and Debbie are right; I was good friends with all of my ex-boyfriends over the years BUT - that is because we had our time then to choose to part ways and drew peace from that and the decision to move along without the other. With a MM you do not have the choice - you will always wonder "what if" or...or or...<P>Not worth it.<P>Still some days OM comes into my office and my mind wanders. I sooo enjoy reading Sheryl's posts because is it a daily dose of REALITY to me and dlm (Debbie)have such great advice - see, I was with my married man for more than a few times. I will never type the detail of it here, but I remember leaving him - me in tears (once alone in the car) and crying all the way home because I already missed him, and for the pathetic excuse for a person that I was turning into- BUT STILL LOOKED FORWARD to seeing him again!!!! ! <P>It is a hard position for you to be in, but this is a very vulnerable time of his WIFE's life....what a sad pathetic excuse for a human he must be, at the time his wife needs him the most he is chasing another woman.<P>You deserve better than that and his wife does too; I think you are finally at the point that I too reached - MY FEELINGS ARE VALUABLE TOO AND SO AM I; if not to my husband then to at least myself, and much more valuable than to be someone's second choice.<P>You are his second choice - no matter what he tells you.<P>Keep running....run run run. Dont go back - I think you are doing well....<P>keep posting,<BR>Scuba<P>

tw,<P>From a BW's viewpoint. After I busted my H and his XOW, she had the nerve to ask me if they could still be "friends." I'm sure that this "friendship" did not include the three of us (me, H, XOW) sitting around a fire drinking General Mills International Coffee. I'm sure what she meant was, "Can I still have a secret piece of your H that you will never be able to have?"<P>I will tell you this: it was the single most offensive thing that I have ever heard coming from another individual.<P>If the MM's W finds out (she most likely will), she will not want her H in the same city with you, much less the same room. And definitely not alone. As long as he has anything to do with you, the EMR will be alive and kicking in her mind. <P>Just my 2 cents,<P>belldandy

he called me lest than a year ago all distraught and stuff because he had actually caught his wife cheating on him. She said she was confused and didn't know who she wanted and then her family was upset with her for cheating on such a good man. she was furious with him for telling her family about her affair and refused to talk to him for weeks because she said he turned her own family against her. He moved back in with his mom for about a month until they worked things out. I asked him then Hoe could he HONESTLY get mad at her when he had been doing the same thing, he just hadn't gotten caught. Later, after they had worked everything out and he moved back home, he told me that I talked him into going back and if I had been in the same city with him, he would have walked away but I convinced him to stay with his wife. Then he asked me WHY I convinced him and didn't I want to be with him. I told him NOT BECAUSE OF THAT. NOT AS A REBOUND. said he understood.he's never brought up the situation because he doesn't like to think about itand whenever I bring it up, he said he's trying to move past it, but sometimes I wonder if SHE ever stopped seeing OM and if that's really her husband's baby or OM's baby. Actually, the timing would be right...but I guess that's just "what if" thinking on my part. Well, it wasn't too hard for me to have someone tell MM I wasn't home today, I guess I can keep doing it. IT IS OVER! NO MORE MM FOR ME.

tw,<P>Hmmm ... I sense the need for a MM Universal Translator. Unfortunately, the design is still in the works and there is no one patent. What I'm trying to say is, most MP can and *do* vilify their spouses to the OP. It's a control tactic, and a tactic to keep the affair (A) going. Much easier to get involved with a MM who has an unfaithful spouse than one with a devoted loving W who has really done nothing critically wrong. In short, he's probably lying. And if he's not lying aboutt his W having an A, he's exaggerating profusely. <P>Trust me on this one. I heard tons of wicked things about myself from H's XOW. When I heard them, I was like, "Huh? This was going on in my marriage?" H also accused me of having an A at the time, and it wasn't true either. I was, quite simply, a reclusive wreck. But ... it served his purposes, and it kept her going.<P>One thing you may or may not find out - which is what I found out: as much as a MM lies to his W, he's lying to his OW about ten times more.<P>belld

How are you today, tooweak?