This is only my second posting. However, this is my first dealing with an affair. My wife had an affair with another man. This is devestating me. I am sure whether you are male or female a cheating spouse is always devestating. I can't seem to get the images of the two of them out of my head.<P>She hurt my manhood. Was I not good enough in bed? That maybe an unfair question to ask since you all probably weren't witnesses to any of our engagements.<P>It kills me to think that she allowed another man to penetrate her and release his manhood into her. A part of her beautiful body that should have only been reserved for me.<P>We are together right now. Trying to work things out. All this came out of the closet last week. I have only been dealing with the knowledge of the affair for a week now. I have tried coming on to her three times now and I have had no results. Why do I want to have sex with her so bad? Is this a normal feeling for the betrayed male to feel. Why do I feel like I must prove myself in bed again, being better the the other guy, being the stud?<P>In my first posting I had some books recommended to me by Willard Harley. I am aware of those books and have taken necessary measures to order those books for reading. Can you all shed some light on to my feelings? Please share your knowledge.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

This is an interesting question. I hope you get some of the males on this board to respond and give their viewpoint (I can only give you the female.)<P>I am sure that the agony of betrayal is no less for either sex, but I would like to know if one is more likely to forgive and try to repair the marriage than the other.<P>Are women more likely to try to work things out if their H has strayed? Are they staying out of economic necessity, especially if there are children involved?<P>Are men more likely to kick the b*tch to the curb and start again?<P>I'd love to see some statistics, if anyone has them.<P>Good question - <BR>Psycho_B***h<BR>

blue,<P>I can totally relate. My W had the A...it's been over 2 months since d-day. I share your feelings 100%, the images and though of my one and only w/ another man cuts me to my soul. I fight with it every, single day. I don't think it gets easier, you do however "learn" how to live with it. I'm am trying soooo hard to get past this, but every day my mood and opinion on it changes. Somedays it's too much to bare, others it's toleratable. You have to decide how you feel about yourself and your W. Do you feel she and your marriage are worth at least a try? If so, you owe it to yourself to give it the best you can. If it still fails, you can at least rest knowing you gave it your all.<P>As for the sexual urges you mentioned, I got one better. Not only did my W have the A, but she became pregnant! Even still I had the urge like never before you have sex. I think it's a combination of your out of control emotions and an instinct to "reclaim" something. We didn't have sex because she chose an abortion and it was doctors orders, but my urges were STRONGER than ever before. <P>I don't know what else to say other than if you love her, and want your marriage to continue. Read all you can on this site (or others), Plan A like never before and go head first into the beast <P>Here is a link to Plan A: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle

I just know that for my ex-H, he could cheat and cheat and cheat... but...<P>I (very stupidly and it was WRONG) had a short-lived (with one hop in the sack) affair right before I turned 40, and all hell broke loose. He couldn't forgive me, had revenge affairs, and pounded me into the ground verbally, emotionally and physically (I spent the better part of a month in the fetal position). And yes, the first thing he wanted to do was "reclaim" my body by having lots of sex.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I appreciate the responces people. I guess what I am trying to do is reclaim my wife's body. Do women feel this way too when their husband has cheated on them?<P>To betrayed females with a cheating husband of ONLY one time:<P>During recovery did you ever feel the overwhelming urge to reclaim you husband's body by wanting to have sex with him days after you found out the terrible news?<P>Is this a only a man thing?<P>If my wife were to give in and allow us to engage in sex is that the right thing to do? Is this to soon? Would our feelings be genuine at this point? Is she making love because she loves me or simply getting me to stop begging like a dog? What are your recommendations here?<P>I think these questions I have raised are important.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

It has been 4 months since D-day for me. I am getting along fine with my wife. She has forgatten everything. For me I still have constant images of my wife with this other guy especially when we are initimate. Our intimacy never stopped during all this but the mental images and frame of mind was different then before I found out. Hopefully over time images fade. But they do not fade when the subject or thoughts constantly comes up. Mind control is difficult.

Hi bluerodeoboy:<P>IMHO there "is" a difference in the way men and women view this. When you get the books that you need and do a little reading you will discover that that special intimacy (that special connection) that binds a man and woman together is nutured for a man by expression through sex...he reaches out to his wife through intimacy and sex and connects with her...for a woman the connection has to already be there for sex to be anything but just sex. <P>Well, there you are....your wife's reached a level of connection with OP and it's difficult to win her back over with attempts to reconnect with her....which is what your basic instinct is asking you to do. I know this will be hard but the best thing to do is to hold back your urge to have sex and try to romance your wife back (Plan A).<P>As you will learn if you're here long enough...and that's usually a problem with men...getting them to stay at and with MB long enough to learn what they need to do...there are usually reasons for an affair....they may be sexual but not necessarily...and you need to concentrate on learning what the causes where and how to correct them....in other words....read, read, read....it does give you a focus to direct your energy toward while you're working on Plan A.<P>Again, Welcome to MB...and please stay long enough to really get what MB has to offer....it will be worth it.<P>Faye<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 06, 2001).]

Thanks Buffy for your words of wisdom. You opened my eyes to some understanding.<P>I find that working at things between my wife and I are moving at a snails pace, if not slower. I go to see a councellor on Monday, of next week, for the first time since the news broke. It is only me who is going, by choice. Was this the right decision? I wanted to get my side of the story out, get my pain out and see what the councellor suggests. Then I would bring my wife to the next session. Is this smart? Or will the second session seem like a setup to my wife where she may feel cornered, forced to defend herself?<P>I am so confused!!!<P>The major part of a Plan A is for her to seize contact with the other man and she has not do that yet. She has moved back home with me and says she is willing to work things out with me. However, while I am at work I know she is chatting to him on MSN. Last night they spoke on the phone together and went for a brief walk. She wants us all to act like things were before all of this when we all were friends.<P>I have voiced my opinion about her contact with him and she thinks I am overreacting. She says I have nothing to worry about she is with me now. I haven't demanded her iliminate all contact with him very strongly because in her state of mind she isn't really "hearing" me at this point. Would hearing the request, and the implecations of not iliminating contact with the other man, coming from a councellor open her eyes?<P>What to do, WHAT DO I DO?????????????<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

blue-<BR>when i first found out about H's A, i told him i didn't think i would be able to have sex with him for a while. well, that attitude changed pretty quickly and i found myself wanting to be intimate with him. i did not stop loving him when he told me he had an A. i was hurt, devastated, shocked, confused, angry, etc. - an emotional mess - but i still loved him. i don't know if it was that i wanted to "reclaim" him, but he was being more open and honest with me than he had been in months. even though the long hours of talking were mostly related to the A, there were still long hours of talking (conversation must be one of my big ENs), it felt like we talked more than we had in months and i wanted to be passionate with him.

Boy how I wish my wife would just want to sit down and discuss things with me. Talk things out. For me that would be a major sign that she truely is willing to work things out with me and that she loves me a lot. Right now I sit in a state of limbo wondering if her "love you"s are genuine or just words to satisfy me.<P>"Girl of mine, where did we go wrong?"<BR>Words from "Girl of Mine" -- Blue Rodeo<P>How true they are!<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

Blue,<P>I normally don't post on this forum, usually don't read it either. I am normally over on the pregnancy/child forum for those of us who have a spouse who either fathered a child during his affair or for women who conceived and had a child by her lover but is trying to repair her marriage.<P>Anyway....we had a long chat about the same subject. You can find it on the pregnancy/child forum under the title "How long after Dday did you...you know.<P>What you are feeling is not unusual for men or for women who have been betrayed.<P>Mrs. Job

Blue - my H had a very involved affair with a single coworker who was determined to get him to divorce me and marry her. She pressured him so much he actually even filed on me but then later cancelled it. H broke it off with her at least 5 times before they called it quits.H quit being intimate with me right when the A became physical with her. I think she insisted that he do so- she finally took ajob transfer saying that she was 'sick of him coming home to me.'Thats one big clue I had that he was involved. Anyway I wanted him right away after the A- I wanted to reestablish that bond between us but he refused me until 4 mo after d-day so I ended up going about 7 mo with no intimacy- now THAT was hard!@ But now its back full force. Honestly I had to wait so long for him to defog and get his emotions straightened out I began to think he was pushing ME into having an A! lifeismessy