Stylish Dress or Provocative?<BR>W is 48 & had PA with two guys from 07-20-00 to 01-17-01 (D-Day). She is 5’5’’ and weights 130lbs – 34 “D” & wears push up bras & thong undies & is in the midst of 20 tanning sessions. She wears hip hugger, tight pants & tight fitting tops – sometimes halter tops. <BR>She tells me she is not interested in having another A (of course, what would you expect!). I am wondering if she is not asking for trouble by the way she dresses? Yesterday, she was wearing a reasonable top -- tight, but not low cut & string, halter top variety, like she sometimes wears. Her skirt, however was about 2-3 inches above her knees (not what I would call a mini skirt, but not exactly conservative either?) & bare skinned. She would argue that she is being stylish & being well dressed & tanned (complete body!) makes her feel better about herself. She will argue that she is not dressed in provocative fashion. Just stylish. What do you think? Last year when I brought this "how she dresses" thing up to our adult daughter, our D argued back to me that I have to give this to her -- it makes her feel better about herself. She also spends $53 every 4 -5 weeks for hair color & cut – MLC!<BR>I can't help but think she enjoys dressing this way because it attracts attention from the men (women will also tell her how nice she looks at times as well, which of course she enjoys) & certain guys are certainly going to not only look, but flirt, … then how far does it go. Given her recent history, am I going crazy or what?! Frankly, if I see a women dressed this way with tan and all, my first instinct is that she is on the make & in the right situation, she could be had. If I'm a guy looking for some action & run into women with this look at the mall, at the grocery, in the post office, on the elevator ... wherever, I'm going to hit up on her. <BR>This thing gets really weird & the double standard thing sticks out big time – Yes, I’m feeling a little insecure!<BR>For me to suggest that she dresses provocatively, I am pretty certain will set off fireworks. Should I forget trying to say anything? Am I just being way too sensitive & jealous? Any idea's on how to tactfully handle this? <BR>I don't think it is necessary for a women to dress this way to feel good about herself is it? <BR>What do you think? Am I over-reacting? Too insecure??<P><BR>Peace be with you,<BR>HH

This really hits close to home for me, since I always had the same issue with my W...<P>I was always commenting to her if she was wearing something that I considered inappropriate, and of course I was labeled "controlling"... Yet it still bothered me if we would go somewhere and either her, ahem, goodies, would be hanging out from the top, or if her, uh, crotch would be visible when she knelt... I didn't like the idea of other men noticing this, which of course they did...<P>With time, I learned to accept it (grudgingly), because I "knew" my W was not showing off to get some action, but just to look "nice". Well, following her affair, and the fact that about half the guys at work (including the married ones) professed their undying love for her as soon as we separated, I have realized that I was right to be concerned...<P>Personally, for me, I will never again marry someone who dresses like this... It is flirting (no pun intended) with disaster, and obviously people can do what they want and dress how they want, but I do not want my W walking around dressed like a she is looking for action. I know this doesn't help you much, because we all know that you cannot control others' behaviors, so you are probably stuck with your W the way she is. My guess is that any effort on your part to change her dress habits will be futile. Of course I also concur with you that she appears to have learned nothing from her PA's... .<P>AGG

I don't know guys. My H had an issue with the way I dressed. That I was too 'frumpy.' <P>Now I have purchased different clothes, more form fitting. Nicer lingerie. Not that everything 'hangs' out, but I do accentuate my 'gifts.'<P>The other day he had an old dress of mine in his hand, not worn out, I've just had it awhile and he said, "You can give this away, it is not your style anymore."

Was she always like this?<P>I personally changed the way I dressed during ye old MLC... I think you might have something there.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

This is very interesting. Like Cali's H, my H wants me to dress more the way that HH's W does. He says that I dress like I'm 40, while I'm only 28. When he picks things out for me, they are always very tight and form fitting. I am not comfortable in these types of clothes, mainly because I have lost a lot of weight and am not yet used to being able to dress this way.<P>Why is it they always want the opposite???<P>As for the outfit you described, HH, it doesn't really sound that bad to me. Personally, I don't think $53 every 4-5 weeks is a whole lot for a haircut and color. Where I am, it's at least $40 just for a cut and another $80 for a highlight.<P>I'm not justifying her actions, but it is true that feeling good about yourself is important. It's the motive behind the actions that's more important.....

I can relate to this. My wife had an A. She dresses like she is going to a party every day. She just says it is to look nice. But it is the way she dressed before to attract men. But they do not want to admit this. Even the women think this of my wife. <P>But we cannot be 100% sure of our wive's mental intentions. The fact is that if you stick out in a crowd the men will notice you and go after you. Many women feel good about this. <P>When I read the reason why many women had affairs on this site it was because the other man made them feel real good about themselves. So that means the Wayward Woman liked the attention she was getting. In view of this there is a big risk of another Affair. <P>Maybe your wife has no such intention but as we know there are plenty of men that prey on women and won't give up until they achieve their goals. It is a challenge for some men to get a woman to volunteeringly submit. <P>But I doubt you can control the way your wife dresses. Also some women are just attractive no matter how they dress so really you cannot do anything about that. It comes down to trust again. <P>But the husband has to worry constantly because if he is not quite a good enough husband, then he worries, his wife will have another affair. So that creates a pressure and a stress. How many mistakes can we make or how perfect do we have to be to avoid our wife having another affair? <P>If the wife says to you OK, what do you want me to wear then? Sometimes that is hard to answer. Also maybe the wife is feeling she does not have many years to look that good so why not look good while she can. Whether it is to attract other men is hard to say. Certainly it seems the attractive ladies are programmed to do this. <P>Anyway your feelings are not abnormal in the least.

I think there is a big difference between "dressing nice, dressing pretty, dressing classy/sexy" and walking around looking like a street hooker or a b*tch in heat.<P>You are right to be concerned. It is very disrespectful to you for your W to go out in public dressed in the way you describe.<P>Just my 2cents - <BR>Psycho_B***h<BR>

To all that have responded, THANKS!<BR>I'm feeling a little blue & unsure -- perhap totally unwaranted, but none the less I appreciate all of your perspectives!<BR>As NYNEVE noted, this may be more about MLC -- than say looking for Mr. Goodbar -- <BR>I rememeber a comment before D-day, during the A that she really enjoys being proud of her figure & that for years she wore bra's that reduced impact of large breast. MLC or lust feeling of A ?? Her sexuality for me? -- Our sexuality was high before, during & since A -- She does look hot & I have told her this many times & verbally & physically -- I just get a little confused ?<BR>Peace,<BR>HH

I pasted this from my reply in the Recovery board...<P><BR>I cant help but wonder if women who dressed in a provactive way knew what others REALLY thought of them (easy, insecure, trashy, shallow) would they still dress this way. The ysay it makes them feel good about themselves but I wonder why. Is it because they get attention and are flattered. I wonder if people ignored them, made fun of them or saw them as wearing nothing more exciting then a prison uniform would they still dress this way? I would say probably not.<BR>Basically I have no advise other then to say she is looking for attention and is insecure with something, maybe her age?<BR>Girls (young and old) dress in a manner that attracts attention when they are feeling insecure.<BR>I will tell you that I used to be very body conscience and enjoyed wearing the occasional fitted shirt to show off some weight I had lost. This was during the A. Right after d-day i began packing on the wieght. Much to my dismay I have gained nearly 40 pounds of 10 months. BY the way i am the betraying spouse. I am nealry 200 pounds now. If you ask people is she fat they would say no not fat but she can stand to lose some weight. I wouldnt say I am fat but someone above said frumpy. That is pretty much it frumpy. However, my husband picked out a very nice bathing suit that was very flattering. SHowed off the curves, accented the bust and hid the tummy. Anyway, I generaly wear shorts with my bathing suit and we were out at the lake. My brother in law told me I got a few looks. Actually he told my husband I was getting a few looks, I overheard. MY husband smiled and said "thats my girl" and smacked my rear.<BR>I was soooo uncomfotable at the thought of other men looking at me I went and put on a tank top. A year ago during the A and even before i would have welcomed the pleased looks and maybe been friendly. Since d-day I have done an about face. Dont get me wrong I am not a prude. I wear v-necks and scoop necks but I maintain modesty.<P>Dressing provacatively or immodestly sends the mwrong message and also causes men to lust. Sure women can say thats their problem but the truth is it is irresponsible to cause someone to stumble.<P>Just my 2 cents worth.<P>PS I like the idea of giving your wife a LOT of affection and attention. Shower her with the attention she seeks.<P>

I'm the BS here and I'm with InShock. I carried the conservative thing way too far and my h thought I was older and frumpier than I was. <P>The infidelity diet (mine was a couple of years ago, btw) helped me with a few pounds and I work out a lot. The time he spent living with PT gave me a lot of confidence and cuorage that I didn't have before and a more defined sense of myself, so my style changed. During the summer I DO wear my skirts a wee bit shorter (though nothing "hangs out" when I kneel) and my attire is quite a bit more flattering. I'm tan and I do wear shorts, skirts, sandals and bare legs most of the time, depending on the occasion. Robert absolutely loves it. <P>I am not looking for attention from anyone 'cept my hubby and most of the time, if someone notices, I miss it. My look is not trashy or seductive, I don't think. Everything is run past my 17 year old daughter.....she wouldn't DARE let me embarrass her, but she doesn't want an old frump either. And my MIL approves and that's the REAL test! LOL<P>There are things I wouldn't wear in public, however. Don't second guess her motives.<P>Lori

I think of you are getting the idea that HH's wife is wearing shorts and her kneecaps are showing. I dont think thats the case. Sounds to me like she is wearing much less then that. If her "goodies" are almost falling out and her lower region is visable when she knees i would say it's past feeling good about oneself and on to being a tease or trying to feel some void. HH doesnt sound like a prude and want his wife to wear turlenecks and headcoverings but at the same time he doesnt want her mistaken for a lady of the night either.<P>Just from reading your posts it would seem to me that if she were the betraying spouse she would wear a choir robe and baseball hat if you asked. I wonder how much her marriage really means to her? As the betrayed spouse if she made an effort and said i see my dress makes you uncomfortable lets decide where we are willing to compromise. I like the idea of you telling her that if she were not your wife and you saw her out you would see her as an easy "score" and make the moves and if you feel that way then you know other red blooded men feel the same. IS that how she wants to be thought of?<P>I thought you would face opposition from women who like to flaunt their sexuality and I was right. I am on your side HH and i am the betraying (past tense) wife who has cleaned up her act even though it was rated only PG-13 before.<P>Keep me posted on how it goes. I am curious.

Flaunt their sexuality! My hubby would smile at that statement since I've always been an old fuddy duddy.<P>Ok, tactful ways to handle it. First of all, I don't agree that the former WS has to bow and scrape for anything. Mutual respect is what's called for here. If she's going through a MLC then she's searching for something that she hasn't found yet. Most likely something in herself, maybe something in her relationships, you never know. Demanding will never do and will push her away. Calling her names or saying she looks like yesterday's street trash (or any equivalent) will simply make you look cruel and horrible (and who would say anything like that to someone they're SUPPOSED to love anyway - lovebuster BIG TIME!) and sustain her belief (whether or not it's true) that you're really "out of it" or that it's exaggerated in your mind b/c of history.<P>How about plain ole Plan A? Hmmm.... Compliment her profusely when she approaches a look you can almost approve of. Tell her THEN that she's beautiful and sexy and enticing or whatever will work best for her. You can tell by her reaction. Ignore it when she goes over the top. Remember, all animals, even us humans, respond better to praise for good behavior than punishment for bad. She's less than six months from d-day and she's still Wayyyyyyy in the healing mode here. There are some subjects you can't attack head-on. You must be patient and loving and don't forget POJA. She's dealing with guilt and hurt and disbelief as well as you are and it's cost her her confidence. She's trying to find it the wrong way, but, at least she's trying this way and NOT by having an affair! And you're sensitive to it 'cause you've been hurt! That's fair. I was there once too.<P>Your daughter is wise. You cannot fight her on this, but you CAN gently guide her. She's still there. On some levels, she DOES want you to be happy too. Lovingly show her how to do that. I'd be willing to bet you will slowly see more of the "good" type of clothes replacing the offensive ones.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

<BR>Thanks again for all of your honest & insightful replies – both sides of this issue are appreciated – <P>I liked the comment about “Lose the Gear” from PlainJane on the Recovery board!<P>I may be in fact over reacting to this & not completely understanding what she is going through. She has a hard outer surface & is very protective of her true feelings at times & although she tends to want to downplay the A & seems to question why I have my struggles & why I can’t move on at a faster pace. She may be wrestling with more issues than I realize.<P>Heart’s cry, I think you particularly captured my take on the situation. The skirt she wore that set this off was in deed 2-3 inches above the knees & she sat down on our steps & even with her knees somewhat close, it was quite revealing & I did comment about how it was quite revealing & as I walked away I saw her looking down – almost like she did not realize this??<P>Understand, I feel quite confused at times about many of these things.<P>Lori, I appreciate the ideas of how to approach this! <P>She is very strong willed & it is extremely important that she not have a feeling that I have any real control over her( which is understandable!) Her father exerts extreme control over her mother & because of that I know one of my W’s strongest motivations is to never come close to being controlled in any way by another person. She almost takes this to a level of not openly admitting to even being influenced by me on virtually any issue. I am not a control freak and I also do not consider myself a prood. I am feeling a bit insecure at times about these things.<P>Because of her not wanting to give me a glimpse of relinquishing her perceived rights & not being controlled by me, she will at times argue profusely a point I make, but ultimately go along with what I suggested. <P>The idea of rewarding good behavior & ignoring bad is a concept I’m familiar with & Lori thanks for that reminder!<P>To give you some additional perspective. My boss happens to be a single guy who is always “in heat.” A womanizer from the word go! Last year, when what I now know to be a few weeks into her A, I had told him that she was being extremely sexual of late. Shortly thereafter she happened to come to my office with “this look”- same kind I described with skirt, ECT. & the looks & reactions from my boss & another single guy were frankly embarrassing to me. He told her that she looked good & that she could be a model out of “Victory Secret!” – this was while he was giving her a big bear hug (she of course was pleased with that comment & yes, she knows he is a big time womanizer!) My boss later told me that she looked good & that she was dressing like she wanted me to Fxxx her!<P>I guess a big part my problem with some of her ways of dressing (some are definitely worse than others) is knowing what she has done & I’m not convinced that she is totally healed from these potential temptations. Totally is an exaggeration. I should remind you that in other posts I have described in more detail her activities & most agreed she has a sexual addiction problem. She carried on with two guys. One day, one in AM, the other in PM & her & I were usually intimate twice a day. She confessed that she suggested to these two for the three of them to get together, in her words "D--- chicken out." <BR>Her counseling is confidential to me – I have received absolutely no feedback if sexual addiction is an issue that she working on with Counselor. Again this is another potentially explosive topic! <BR>I definately don't want to be a prood or a selfish, jealous, controling pig about this, but I also don't want to be blind to things that may be obvious to the non-biased objective observers -- you guys!<P>Thanks again for all of your insights!<BR>Peace,<BR>HH<BR>

I got an interesting reply form the recovery board & I wanted to share here -- here is my reply which includes parts of original reply.<BR>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Originally posted by Lapeine:<BR>And, have you tried shopping for pants that are not hip hugging. Everything now is this spandex fabric designed to show of some curves. <BR>Lapeine,<BR>Good Point! That's a perspective I did not think about!<BR>HH<P>Overall, I am sure that your W wants to look stylish. Where is she purchasing these clothes? Are they from a reputable store, i.e. a department store, Lerner, Casual Corner, etc. If so, then she probably is being on the stylish side. If she is shopping at WetSeal, a popular shop in Texas for teenagers and barhoppers, then, she may be looking a little more on cheezy side.<P>L,<BR>Another good point. Undies are from Victory Secret typically -- GAP & Old Navey are couple of her favorites.<BR>HH<P>I will admit the clothes I wear are much more stylish now, they have a little bit of a kick (snakeskin pattern shell worn under a cute brown suit), <BR>L,<BR>Snakeskin Pattern, tight top & no cover, with tight hip hugger jeans is what she wore when she went out with her two single cousins to bar in Indiana over Christmas, while I was here 300 miles away. They out til closing the place around 3:00 AM -- I know, I'm sounding pitiful now! sorry!<BR>HH<BR>Perhaps you and your wife can come to a compromise. I wear the tight shirts, but not the tight bottoms. Perhaps you can find a style that both of you are comfortable with.<P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>L,<BR>Here's another perspective. Before D-Day my W was active with a church's high school Theator group & a comment one of the girls made to my W was that she was cool because she wore the same kind of clothes they wore. Is this what you would call chezzy? I don't know exact connoatation of that phraze? I go to High School basketball games -- I announce for girls BB for example. There are normally a few girls that dress like I'm describing & I don't know these girls, but if I compare them to the way many other girls dress, I would guess there's a better chance these girls might fool around. Now I know that is totally unfair to judge a book by it's cover -- it's just a sense or a feeling -- perhaps totally unjustified. I know I would feel a little uncomfortable if my daughter dressed this way. I will admit I may be totally paranoid & wacked out on this, that's why I'm asking.<BR>I'm not a fashion plate to know all the alternatives, but I know not everyone I see has this look.<BR>Let me offer another perspective. How would you feel if you knew about a lady with my W's recent sexual history & dressing this way, that worked closely with your H -- would this make you feel a little uneasy?<P>Thanks for your feedback!<BR>From what you described, you definately can understand the femine side of this & that's what I appreciate.<BR>I am most interested to know what you think after this added update.<BR>Peace,<BR>HH<BR>Just had another thought about dressing -- How about tight, black leather pants -- she has worn these to work at small retail gift basket, home decoration, collectables kind of shop in a mall where she works.<P>Any other thoughts are certainly welcome!!<P><BR>

How about the shorts?<BR>Yesterday was a day where she would not be waiting on customers. She was wall papering a wall for a display. The shorts she wore were of high quality & they did not look “slutty” as such – I can be exact on length – from the seem on the crotch, the inside pant leg measures right at 3” – She looks good (of course to me, very inticing) & maybe there’s nothing to deny that, but given her history, do you think this is a little on the short side? Is it possible to wear shorts & skirts that come to just above the knee & be stylish? Or would that style label the person as old fashioned and really out of it?<BR>Appreciate your insight!<BR>HH

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:<BR><B>How about the shorts?<BR>...from the seem on the crotch, the inside pant leg measures right at 3”</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, that long?? When I was talking about my W, I was talking more like 1/2-1"... Put another way, her skirts are such that every time she got in or out of the car (in which she often drove with her male coworkers) it wouldn't take much of an angle to get a clear shot to, uh, well, what did you call it??, oh yeah, the crotch... Sheeeesh..<P>AGG

I'd like to share my insight of a when I was 20 and worked with single mom (recently divorced) mid 40ish who tried her very hardest to look like she was 17. <P>From the back this lady looked good. Nice form, attractive hair. Turn around and you see a 50ish face. No offense but her clothes made you think she was a youthful person. Early 20s, etc. but her face, neck and hands were a dead give away. <P>For some reason that impression really stayed with me. I vowed not to try to put nature to the test and look reasonably close to what I was. It was kind of scary for that lady to have one view from the rear and another from the front. I mean it really had a mental impact on many around her. <P>Now I am not saying your W is that way, my point is from her style of dress, is she trying to appear younger or just show off more? I mean who is she dressing up for you or someone else? Then who should be be dressing up for you or someonelse? See, if my H can't appreciate it, is it ok to get other opinions? Hm..... that's where it becomes a temptation to push the limit and get into trouble. <P>I have always looked younger than my age (or so I'm told) but that doesn't mean I have to dress like a teeny bopper. Oh... I don't get carded anymore but at that 40 stage, I should hope not. <P>L.

HH, It seems to me that the clothes she wears is secondary to her attitude.<BR>I think your only recourse is prayer. Ask God to change her heart if she is wrong and to change yours if you are wrong. Works everytime for me. Somestimes he changes my hearts and sometimes my husbands.

Here is copy of my reply to post yesterday from same question on the recovery Channel:<BR>Additional Perspective / More Questions<P>I do not have enough time, nor am I organized enough to single out replies back to the great replies I received yesterday, but I want to thank all of you very much!! You each hit some very strong & good points. David I think you hit some critical issues that I’m wrestling with! Do I understand one of your points to mean that I may be feeding her addiction by always giving in to sex?<BR>Re: MLC things – she had put on additional weight up until Jan. of 2000 (160 lbs.), & that is when she began her dieting – she went to tanning booth last summer, which of course, causes some triggers for me. At 48, MLC definatly a part of this! I tell her she looks hot!<P>In her initial confession she spoke of how she just crumbled to temptation. This 32 year old was bragging to his fellow workers how she was the most beautiful women they’ve worked for, then he got close to her & made really strong & direct suggestions to have sex – this was at our back patio door. She said guys are flirted with her before, but never like this! As it happens I called from a restaurant / bar & was on my way home –within 15 minutes! – when she hung up from me, he was inside the family room & he continued coaxing – and she said that it did feel good to have such a young guy compliment & desire her – she told him that she could not with a condom & that he chewed – he had a condom & a tooth brush, so they did it in the hallway just outside our downstairs bathroom – she went on to described some of it (on D/D confession) – she said it was exciting , that he picked her up and then she was on the floor & that she wanted him to finish & that he lasted a long time … These are details that become haunting. But with this I think you may better understand some of my concerns about how receptive she has been to compliments! Do I just assume she has learned her lesson & never ask questions to determine if there is in fact a SA problem & if so, how we are addressing this?!<P>I busted my W for PA twenty years ago & I did not create much consequence. This last time (d/d 01-17-01) with a somewhat detailed confession from her of these two guys, it was not difficult for her to understand why I wanted her to leave, for a time at least -- We reunited 02-08-01 & she came back with me on 02-10-01.<P>Sexual Addiction? The first time twenty years ago my wife described the nervousness she had before the encounters (supposed two) & how she had a sick feeling before each encounter. This time, in the six months she carried on, she became the pursuer to some degree & she never felt that sickness, but the game so to speak, gave her a big rush.<BR>Although she now denies saying this, the night of D/D she said she had this feeling that she could “date” anyone she wanted.<P>After reading the book “Out of the Shadows” by Carnes (Now she says she did not read the whole thing) She pretty much said this is a problem, but was quick to point out that I had some tendencies as well, which I’ll admit is true. In February She said that she had thought of 12 step program, but hesitated to tell me because she did not want me to bug her about this. I have not said one word of this since!<P>A part of her current counseling was that because I was always asking about the topics that she felt pressured that it was more for me than her, so upon C advice, I agreed to not ask her about topics discussed – this you might imagine makes me a little nervous if she is in fact working on any SA issues. <P>Friday late afternoon my W & I enjoyed a very intense sexual experience, again that evening & again Saturday morning. I was trying hard to satisfy this seemingly endless desire of hers! I show her that I took Horny Goat Weed & suggest we can continue after we return from a picnic with others we attended. After an afternoon session, I’m feeling a little burned out & I start thinking about her week long mission trip & wonder how she’ll control these urges. Later Saturday evening I go up to our bedroom where she is lounging in bed watching TV. I snuggle in & she suggests that I message her breast. I tell her that I want to give it a rest & in a nice way she tells me to then go down stairs to watch TV (like she needs space alone), so I do – no more sex that evening or this morning. I was thinking that if I back off a little, she will realize that she has these strong urges & there might be a problem.<P>An issue I have briefly touched on with Her is that with these strong desires for sex all the time, how is she going to control them when she is away for a week long mission trip? <P>Anytime I have brought up subject of a potential problem she may have, she gets extremely defensive & insists that it is not right to continually go back to past, but we need to focus on future. What do you think? It seems to me there has to be a connection from past to establish right future?<P>About our joint Counseling, it is obvious there is a need, but right now our finances are very poor & the original plan was to get her healed to an extent then we do joint thing. <BR>I feel really trapped, if I bring up SA thing am I being accusatory & not following Plan A or is the joint C the only forum I have to constructively address these questions. Do you think I have a right to ask if SA is an issues they’re working on or is this too intrusive on her confidentiality?<P>Again, I am interested in help with question of how to bring up some of these concerns or should I just try harder to push them out of my mind & accept on blind faith that she’s learned her lesson & all will be fine?<BR>Peace,<BR>HH

I am coming close to intiating a potentially explosive discussion with WS and want to take another shot at getting additional perspectives or coments & insights. I hope I'm not being a hog here!<BR>I mostly hang out on the recovery board, but have really appreciated comments here.<BR>At the risk of sharing way too much, here is a copy of my last post from recovery channel:<BR>posted June 12, 2001 09:26 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Originally posted by PlainJane:<BR>I know it sounds insane, but the vast majority of SA had some type of molestation, or rigid, non emotive families of origin. <BR>PJ<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>PJ, <BR>I had read this before!<BR>I used to many pronouns -- it was her Mother that was molested by mother's brother, sorry for confusion! -- My W breast's were foundled by an adult neigbor when she was about 15 though!<BR>PJ -- Thanks again, as I am building more confidence to address this. I don't think I want to take the time to get this book before I address this. She, I know will not want to read this -- she read most of first book in week she came back, but now she has attitude that all these things are behind us & to bring them up is a big negative!<P>PJ & others, <BR>You've probablly heard enough, but I had already typed this before I opened this post & perhaps there are others with additional perspectives --<P>Trying to slow down, haunting feelings:<P>After active Sunday, (three times with average duration of 30 – 40 minutes), I gave it a rest last night. This morning, after my shower; it is a little later than normal & I’m wanting to get to work, but I’m very sensitive to my W’s needs with these urges, and I am conflicted. I try to be gentle & ask if it would be OK to pass this morning & I sit down next to her in bed & she begins some manual stimulation & here we go. I was preoccupied about these issues & the time & did not last as long as I typically do. Afterwards, in a pleasant tone, she says I should take three horny goat weed capsules in the morning (that was how many I took Sunday before a very enthusiastic session).<P>Now I’m a little worried that she still has this itching & she’s receptive to another’s advances. A part of her volunteering about the A’s was that she never had a guy come on to her in that fashion. These two guys were landscape, tree trimmers doing work at our home. Another part of her confession was that she became obsessed with these two, but also thoughts of guys she would see doing road construction & she found herself checking out any guy she would pass on the road driving a truck. Another confession was that one time last summer when we were returning a car we borrowed from our friends and these tree guys were doing work in there neighborhood (not far from our place). She explained that when she saw them, she had a big rush & funny sensation in her throat where she couldn’t hardly talk. She went on to explain that when we got back home, I left & she jumped into the car and went back to where these guys were and was talking with them & she made a date with one of them to meet the next day at a pizza hut, close to the motel where they eventually started meeting. She said he stood her up & this made her want to pursue him even more.<P>She said the first time they went to motel was a week after we got back from our 30th Anniversary surprise weekend I had planned. Real comforting thought huh! She told me this like it was milestone or something. This is scary because she was very pleasant & we had lots of sex. I though a very enjoyable weekend & fun with our two best couple friends! This was later part of August & she started seeing these guys July 20th.<P>Here again, do I assume that most guys will not make advances like these & therefore she will not be tempted as before & so I should not worry? <BR>She normally does not call me during the day & chat. In last few weeks there were two incidences where we were leaving to go to work together & I was ahead of her & we came up on a road construction crew & guy directing traffic was a young studly looking hard body and another time was in our neighborhood we passed a house where there was these guys putting in a retaining wall. In both cases she calls me on cell phone and she had specific question or reason, but we chatted. What do you think? I could not help but think she was having these urges & wanted to get over them by talking to me. Or, perhaps she sensed I was nervous & she wanted to give me an indirect assurance?<P>I don’t think she remembers all that she has told me about these things – I know she has denied saying a couple things that I have sense brought up.<P>I know we cannot make conclusive diagnoses here, but I thought this additional information might be helpful to give those interested an additional perspective. I am trying to work up my courage to bring these concerns out tomorrow before her counseling on Thursday.<P>Not to bore you with all these gruesome, painful details, but to try and add more perspective, she told me of a time (November 1, 2001 to be exact) when she had a date with the one guy, but he stood her up when they were to meet (she had been with this one the most up until this time & she said did not see him after this). She calls the other guy (she said she thought in part to make first guy jealous) & as it happens his wife had separated with him, so she drives 15 miles or so, to his place for sex.<P>Now I know us BS want a lot of details, but my S has been very free in offering a lot, which has become a little haunting for me. I don’t know if this has helped her in becoming more open & honest or if she is subconsciously yelling for help?<P>This weeklong, church mission project I know should probably not be such a concern, but if she gets this appetite when we don’t do it within a 12 hour period, what are her feeling and urges going to be after 3 or 4 days. Is she prone to become more aggressive & adventuresome if she doesn’t get hit on by guy??!<P>I am starting to feel more tension & more conflicted as I try to come to grips with reality here. Again I’m not to know even the general topics of her counseling, to know if she’s working on these issue or what??!<P>The times I’ve tried to discuss these things with her, her reaction has been very negative, like how could I question her sincerity to not do these things again. And that I’m being mean & punishing her to reflect on the past & not the future! One time she said that if she ever got involved again, she would tell me & we could break up, that she would not put me through the secret thing again! Again, I’m trying to think in terms of preventative things to do & not just wait & hope. ??<P>This mission trip has been something she looked forward to & our pastor (who knows some very vivid details of our sex L & A's!) has encouraged her to go along. He feels it could be very helpful to her spirituality. This is what makes me very conflicted! To insist that she not go I feel would put her in a real tissy! But I do feel it is enough of an issue to bring the SA into focus.<P>I have a picture of my W in my office from last summer. I had never thought it was out there too much, but with discovery of these things, I have different perspective. She's wearing a plastic gym trunks kind of shorts & the top is tight fitting & covers breast where you don't see cleavage, but it held up by string straps, she has to wear special bra with real thin straps. Last night she takes our dog for long walk in park behind our house & ends up with walk around our neighborhood she is gone for a good hour and half -- Am I too paronoid here?!! I'm sure she did not have any encounter, but how many men are lusting after her as she stops to converse?? <P>PJ, <BR>How do we initiate the celabasy thing & what does that accomplish? Is there a certain time in terms of planed events, like this weeklong trip that would make that good or bad?<P>Thanks again to all that have helped, I appreciate all of your insights!<BR>Peace,<BR>HH<P><BR>