I need your advise people. This forum for discussion has been a good source for the initial stages of my healing.<P>My wife and a friend had an affair. I found out last Tuesday, and have been dealing with things for a week now. She lives with me and says things between her and the other guy are over in the sexual department. However, they would like to still remain friends. They still talk on the phone, and yesterday the two of them went for a short walk.<P>I have had a few people tell me to let her work out her issues. My wife has "reached a level of connection with the other man and it it's difficult to win her back over with (my) attempts to reconnect with her...".<P>Rather than remaining in a stalemate with her should I make the first move? Right now she is maintaining her friendship with the other man, feeding her "addiction", while I wait VERY patiently for her to come back to me and love me the way she use to.<P>My plan is in a week or so, once I have spoken to my councellor (this coming Monday), I plan to surprize her.<P>My plan would be to completely plan out a very romantic evening. Taking care of everything behind her back.<P>First, secretly secure a babysitter, in my mother-in-law to watch our boys. She would come to our house knowing everything I have planned, but saying nothing to my wife so as not to spoil the surprize.<P>Maybe I would give my wife a hint, like asking her to dress up for me because I have a surprize and that is all. Once I got home I would get dressed appropriately as well. We would go to a fancy restaurant. I am thinking not one of the typical franchise places like "Applebees", "Branigans", etc. (I'm from Canada, maybe those names mean nothing to any Americans reading this)<P>I'm thinking of a local restaurant with low lighting and romantic music. A place where we can talk intimately, not about the affair, or our other problems, but just try to rediscover each other.<P>Then I would like to go somewhere else, not to a movie, because if the show sucks it can ruin things, plus you can't talk during a movie. Perhaps a walk along the river? Any suggestions on the after the dinner thing would be great!!<P>Finally we would simply go home. The mother-in-law would be instructed to take the kids over to her house for a sleep over so that we would be alone once we got home. Now if things lead themselves to intimacy that is fine. (I do have the STRONG urge to be intimate with her, however, a few have advised to take things slow.) I would not be doing this to "get her in the sack". I would be doing this to show her I do have romance left in me, perhaps open her eyes to me and make myself more appealing than the other man. Reaching a new level of "connection" with her.<P>What do you all think? Does this idea have promise? Or would I be setting myself up for more heartache if the next day she remained unchanged by my attempt at reconciliation?<P>Please advise!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

.<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Is romance a turn on for you women?

The perfect day would be next Friday. Sunday June 17th is our six year anniversary. We have plans to go to the in-laws cabin on Saturday for the weekend. Friends, however are coming up too. Friday is also payday! <P>We have three phones in our house. I want to hide one of them in a spot only I know about, in case of emergency. I want my mother-in-law to take the other two phones home with her so that my wife can't check the call display and see who has phoned, namely the other man. My wife would be obliged to call him, ruining any momentum we have coming home from what could be a very romantic and special evening.<P>This is exciting me. What do you guys think? Arggg! I'm a man in love, my friends!<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. --><p>[This message has been edited by bluerodeoboy (edited June 06, 2001).]

Hi bluerodeoboy. I just want to tell you what happened to me when I tried something similar for my H very soon after D-Day. <P>It was a Friday night, and I had arranged for the kids to stay at a friends house for the evening. I bought wine, cooked a special dinner, put on romantic music, dressed up---the whole nine yards. He came home after work and the first thing he said to me was "you're trying too hard". It nearly broke my heart. I proceeded with making dinner, and while having a glass of wine, he told me that he'd slept with OW again that week. This was 2 weeks after D-Day. He said it very matter of fact and didn't even flinch when he said it. I nearly threw the plate of food at him---I'm not kidding on that one, I really almost did. Needless to say, it was downhill from there. It was truly a miserable evening and we ended up having one of the worst screaming matches of the century.<P>Believe me, your plans sound wonderful. I just want you to be prepared for any reaction from her at this stage of the game. If she is maintaining the friendship on any level, the affair is not over in any way, shape, or form. My H hasn't slept with OW since last September, but their emotional relationship is still very, very deep.<P>Just protect yourself and hope for the best, but be ready for anything. <P>Best of luck......

BRB - OK, refer to Rule # 2 again. Slow down, Romeo. IMHO, don't try a big production, because you'll get your hopes up and it won't meet your expectations. Refer to Rule # 1.<P>Yes, do try to meet her emotional needs, but it's so so easy to try too hard, as hurtinginil describes. You have to be savy, you can't brute force this. Be cool, get smart, and accept that you have to pace yourself. The maintaining a friendship desire will not work. Eventually, she will have to completely sever all contact permanently. But, no need to mention it for now because she will see it as your attempt to control her.<P>Read about Plan A on this site and start working on yourself - you cannot change her. DO NOT lovebust, i.e., do not do anything that makes her mad or can be felt as you making judgements about her. OK?<P>WAT

To respond to your question.....is raomance a turn on for you women?<P>For me....YES!<P>My H has been home for almost 8 weeks now and we have had almost every Saturday from about 5 on together....no kids. I've made plans for them to be gone once....other times...it just happened. Which is wierd since before the A....the kids rarely ever stayed anywhere. We'd lost touch with "dating". Just seems like devine intervention is working here....somebody just keeps stepping in and taking over for us for a few...and then we go from there.<BR>We usually end up doing the same thing...something we both enjoy....he decides where he will take me for dinner...and after dinner we usually end up going for drives in the country or just anywhere really. <BR>I look forward to those times now....but then again....I'm the BS so I guess I would. <P>Hope the date goes well for you! <BR>

Blue....<P><BR>to me that would have made all the difference in the world..had my stbxh done that..and I am speaking from<BR>the WS point of view..it's showing that YOU really do<BR>care and want this to work..and are willing to take a <BR>chance..but..alas...he didn't do that..he yelled...<BR>screamed..cussed..drank..and yelled more..left back<BR>out of town..called yelled cussed and screamed some more..<BR>