OK, I'm sitting here, having just wiped my red eyes on an old tea-towel, mascara smudged down my cheeks. Yes, I've been crying again and I'm so fed up of crying - absolutely damn well fed up with it, it just makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache...and he's not worth it.<P>I had a lovely day today - I took a picnic and went to the forest park, where I walked the trails in complete solitude, stopping every now and then to sketch or paint something, or to write in my journal. It was heaven. The sky was blue, the sun was warm, and the birds were singing. I felt so much at peace, so hopeful, so 'in touch' with the real me. I realised that this WAS the real me - not the 'other half' of a couple, who had been suppressed for all these years - this was the goddess me, the wild me, the free me - and I liked being with me. I also realised that the 'real me' was what my husband was looking for in this OW. Over the years I had lost myself somewhere and become a moody, tired, nervous woman who yelled constantly like a fishwife at her kids. It didn't matter that the 'real me' would emerge again sometimes at bedtime, when we were making love - he loved that 'me', but it wasn't enough just to have her there part of the time.<P>Anyway, I came back home full of the joys of life - then made the mistake of checking WH's e-mails to OW. Hurt, Pain, Grief, Lies, Deception, Degradation, Rejection.....Tears. <BR>The Peace had gone. Vanished. I was left hopeless, dejected and suicidal again. Why do I do this to myself - Why am I so tempted to pry? It hurts me every time, yet I cannot seem to stop.<P>Then 'get a grip, girl' I thought, so here I am on the MB boards, venting....getting it out of my system and replacing it with hope again. Reminding myself that I have to be so patient....there's going to be months, even maybe years, of 'waiting' yet. But while I'm waiting, I can still be me can't I?<P>hugs, Paint

Dear Paint,<P>Seeing the A activity in action is hard on anyone's soul. Your spirits were up from having a nice day and instantly ruined by this event. <P>What should you do? Decide which is more important to you. Your happy memory or being hurt? Sounds simplistic and it is easy to say but hard to do. Eventually you will learn to not let their activities hurt you so much. You will know it is happening and when you learn about it, you will turn it and see it for the stupid act that it is. <P>I had to do that to preserve my santity. H would even try to give me details and defend himself by saying, but you wanted to know everything. Jerk, I reached a point where it was no longer necessary to know and he didn't get it. Ok? See, you will get to that point.<P>Hope this helps, if not just skip it for now. It may make more sense later. For me a lot of what I was told at the beginning was beyond my initial comprehension since I was bend on 'fixing H'. Dumb dumb and stubborn!!!! But I learned so I know you will also. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Yes, you are right Orchid - and I think that's what I was trying to say, that this time (for the first time), I DID tell myself to 'get a grip', and I wouldn't allow myself to just cry for hours on end - just for a little while! I'm getting there - I know I am. Experience is teaching me that there is always another 'up' after every 'down' and all I've got to do is just hang in and wait for it. This board helps so much, I can't even begin to express how valuable everyone's comments, advice, hugs and good wishes are. I swear I'd be 6' under by now without you guys to keep me swimming! Knowing that my WH and his OW are saying the same things....doing the same things....making the same plans, as hundreds of other WS's are doing really helps too - I know I'm not alone, and that their 'love' is really nothing special, nothing 'destined to be' or all the other crap they keep telling each other it is! <P>Yes, I do still get very down, I still cry, I still despair - but now those moments aren't lasting quite as long as they once did, and I'm becoming more able to dismiss them and get on with Plan A'ing. Like tonight - I've just e-mailed my husband a lovely long letter describing what a wonderful day I had and wishing him all the best. A few hours ago, I was so upset that I didn't want to e-mail him ever again! I'm getting there.....slowly, but I'm getting there...<P>hugs, Paint

The dreaded rollercoaster...it's the most painful ride of our lives. It's strange but I've been experiencing similar days to yours. However, I thought I was over the "snooping" but there is H's portfolio case in front of me and my H wa out so I started to rummage and found a bill, an old bill, but a bill just the same and one I didn't know about. It just sent me over the edge. H came home and I just blasted him. Now I'm crying too and happened to read your thread which just fit the bill. <P>Take care of yourself. <BR>

Hi Paintbox:<P>After a few years at this I can personally say that yes it does get better and the self imposed down times do get shorter and easier to bear. I think this is because we buy into some of the WS' idiocy at first and it takes time to separate all that garbage from what really going on.<P>I don't know why we still let ourselves get wrapped up in the WS/OW saga...maybe because we think there's some relevance in there...but there's not...it's all fantasy. <P>You know since I have been by myself I am like you and have come to rediscover how really wonderful the world is....and experiences like you had today are important to bring us back to the reality that life still goes on and still has great things to offer us...even without a WS in the picture. Then we go and spoil it by dragging ourselves back into the muck...just when we had our heads out for a while. Believe me at some future point you'll just want to say "Who cares" about the letters, the phonecalls, the emails...because they won't matter anymore because you'll have realized how stupid the whole thing is....and at some point WS will too...I just hope you can hang on until he does.<P>I'm glad you're reaching the point where you can call a halt to it...or at least limit its effect on you...and get up and do it all again...and again...and again...until it's finally time for it all to end....and you will have survived and grown through it all.<P>This may sound crazy to you...and it took me a long time to get here...but in a way I am glad this all happened...because it feels like I have been asleep for a long time...and am finally waking up and discovering a brand new world...a painful awaking but that finds me changed...like a caterpiller to a butterfly...and who would ever want to return to being a caterpillar when they can be a butterfly...certainly not me...how about you????? <P><BR>Faye <BR>

Paint,<BR>My counselor told me yesterday that my whole session I tried to focus on H and what was 'wrong' with him. She made me realize that though I said I was working on me, I was really working on me to 'fix' us. And, most of what I was trying to fix was surface. (hair, makeup, clothes, weight)<P>Sooo. What we do is look deep inside and find out who WE are and who WE want to be. I'm pretty sure that is what attracted us to our spouses to begin with. We've lost that person along the way. It is our job to find that person and strengthen her and nuture her. If we don't, who will? God takes care of those who take care of themselves.<P>Take care of yourself Paint!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Not only that HH but you cannot fix your H. Trying to fix your H is a sure recipe to push him farther away. Take it from an ex-expert fixer, I know.<P>you cannot change anyone but yourself. You cannot fix anyone but yourself. You are responsible in the end for yourself, no one else will do it.<P>When I finally gave up trying to tell God what I wanted and gave up completely trying to have any control over the situation is when the miracle happened. Instead of praying that he would do this or that, I said God, I know you have a plan for us. I know you want what is best for us and know the best way to help him see what is best for him. Your will be done. Please help me to grow in my knowledge of your wisdom and doctrines, and grant me the strength, wisdom and patience to accept your will.<P>Within a week of that change of heart my H was home. It has to be real though. you can't say it and not mean it. Make the break you cannot fix him. If anyone can it is God and your H's that's it. Let go and let God. He will know what is best, and do it without you needing to do a thing but be yourself, a true and faithful and loving and patient wife at home. <P>You have the upper hand here guys, you really do, not her, don't worry about her. Worry about being the attractive, loving, not clingy and demanding (as much as possible) option when reality hits them she will not be so attractive anymore.<P>

I agree, that this is something I need to work on a bit more, I am beginning to see that even though I think what he's doing is a big mistake, I have to let go and allow him to make that mistake for himself - I can't fix it for him. He maybe needs to go through this to learn some valuable lessons in life, as maybe I do to. This past week I have overcome the fear of walking alone, and although I had a few moments when I felt a bit insecure and vulnerable, I got over that. Thankyou!

Paint,<BR>I replyed to you in hurt by hubby's thread on plan B...