I not in low sprits, but I'm beginning to think she is right, I've been think about how bad the marraige has been. Also I can't seem to get past how I can be with her again, I have lost so much respect for her, I think she is an idiot. It's 17 days from d-day, how in the world am I gonna make it 6 months. I not mad, just hurt and have l lost respect for what she is doing to the kids, herself, her family, and how she is treating me. Doormat city over here. All day today I awas thinking F#$* her, she has no idea what she is doing, she ruining 4 lies here. It just so frustrating. I wnat to send her an annominous letter with a ad clipping for no fault divorce $75.00. and see if she calls me on it.<P>JK

I'm having one of those days too - how on earth can I ever respect him ever again? I put my husband on a pedestal and now he has fallen off big-time. In some ways it's reassuring that he's 'only human' after all - but in other ways it's such a shock that he could be so weak as to submit to a mid-life crisis and have an affair. I still can't believe it sometimes! <P>Just hang on in there - I can promise you (from experience), that you will feel better about it in a few days time - just keep on reading MB posts and give your hopes a boost. Good luck, Paint

Keep faith and hope in your heart. My d-day was this past Friday June 1 and my only sibling, my brother Wendell, had been dead 1 year on Sunday June 3....Boy, I had a really great weekend :rolleyes My H and I are trying to work things out. They advise to post and vent here. So far it has helped me since H didn't want what happend to leave house

JK-<P>I know exactly how you feel as recently as yesterday I was on the horn to people for support because I was just pi$$ed. I was ready to throw it myself and it's been 6 months for me. I can't tell you it gets easier because I don't necessarily think it does in the short term...but you learn to cope better. <P>On thing for certain...don't do or say anything to her when you feel this way...I was lucky that yesterday I couldn't get ahold of my W because I would have unleashed hell on her...and that's not exactly what i'd want to accomplish.<P>Hang in there...seek support...buy a punching bag for the garage.<P>DD

Thanks guys, How do you guys who have gone 6 months do it, I pray to god every day for strenght to make it through this andfor himto protect my kids, and for her to see the light. i guess the fog has to lift before she can see the light. And how about Rick37 one year, you are my new idol.<P>Any comments about the Divorce Ad clipping?<P>JK

Hi JK,<P>Throw'n the towel? No I don't think you are ready for that. Besides, if you did you'd have to stoop down and pick it up. No one is going to help you up right now but yourself. Of course we will support you here and you do have your support group (children, friends, family, etc.). You just need to recognize them, their abilities, limits and use them accordingly. This is not a bad thing. <P>You are still in kind of the shock stage with your emotions running high. While you have a good group here to help you along, it will not prevent the wild ride you are on from stopping. That is why you will have bouts of depression followed by frustration and anguish. YUCK!!!!<P>But it will get easier to handle. After a while you will get others who can even work some humor in this. Speaking of those with humor, I have a bone to pick with WAT about his comment from the other thread "Orchid is not a guy". <BR>Of course I'm not a guy. What guy would pick a name like Orchid? At first, I didn't know if I should be insulted or complimented. Then I realized who made that comment and just laughed. <P>See we even pick on each other sometimes . This helps us settle down and put our problems back in perspective. <P>You can do it, JK. Take it from someone who is NOT a guy!!!!<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

JK,<P>I only have a minute (neighbor is coming by and we're going to have a beer), but I want to say one thing. DON'T THROW IN THE TOWEL. If you do, I'm going to be really upset.<P>Like Orchid the non-guy said, do something like pick on someone for fun, and join the club here. Sometimes this gets so crazy, that you have to introduce some humor.<P>Divorce ad clipping - don't bother. Take a breather and just don't do anything for a few days. Post and vent your frustrations. It will get better, one way or the other. Trust me, I've been where you are. Many of us have.<P>I'm going to write more tomorrow.<P>And remember, Orchid is definitely NOT a guy, just in case you weren't sure of that yet <P>

JK, orchid and Rick are quite right. Not time quit right now. Things are too fresh and you are still in shock.<BR>Just try to give it some time.<BR>This doesn't mean that we don't understand what you're going through, just that we went trough that and now this first stage is the one where perspective is a bit off - with complete justification.<BR>Yes, you will have to decide what to do, now is not the right time.<BR>If I had gone with my first instinct I wouldn't be enjoying my marriage so much today.<BR>Just vent here as you need, we're always here . But wait a bit for big decisions.<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

JK-<P>Two or three things really got me this far. First, MB was the springboard for finding support and information and I'm grateful I found the website early. MB was safe, nobody knows me...but they all know me because they've been there. <P>Second, I really took a hard look at myself, mortality, how I would like to be remembered, etc. (my father died about a month after we separated). And that was another springbaord to further explore who I was...what kind of person I wanted to become...and what kind of life I wanted for myself. If you are as serious as I was...it will take ALOT of time out of your days. I'm not trying to be a jerk but you do know you had a role in the whole thing, right? And it might not be as positive as you think it was.<P>Finally,<B>ACCEPT</B> the things you cannot control and have <B>PATIENCE</B>. As far as I'm concerned, PATIENCE was the lousiest word ever created but necessary nontheless.<P>IMHO, unless you are in a relationship breeding physical harm...give it some time. Of all the regrets in my life, I would hate myself for not trying. If it comes to dissolution it'll be much easier to walk away if you know in your heart you gave it your best shot. <P>Don't bother with the Ad clipping. Besides, divorce is a helluva lot more expensive than $75.<P>DD<p>[This message has been edited by dumbdumb (edited June 06, 2001).]

Ok, since my 'gender' has been clarified, I would like to share an experience with you that may help (I hope it will, if not oh well)....<P>About 3 weeks after d/d, H went to a hotel to as he said: Be by himself and think.... boy was I dumb. I was told by the counselor to give H his space. Hm..... I even helped him pack.... H was mad that I helped him pack but me being the stubborn giver I forced my help on him.<P>I spoke to H on the phone and he was driving around looking for a place to stay, then about 10pm he called saying he was coming home. I was happy. End of story? No.....<P>H never came home that night. About 4:30am, I called H on his cell. Said I couldn't sleep and needed to talk to him. Wait.... what did I hear in the background? A moan? H said he was alone. but the moan started talking saying something "whose that?"..... Am I hearing voices? H still insisted he was alone. I called back and heard that voice again. Oh yea. Alone?!?!? Right! OW was in bed with him at the motel. See OW would not let H to her home. YET. <P>I was angry & shaking, I called back saying I wanted to talk to OW, H asked OW, she said no, H said not to talk to her because "she was hard of hearing". Oh, I could accomodate that request. So I yelled loud enough for the dead to hear..... Then I was accused of yelling!!! No Duh, he was with an older lady that he said was hard of hearing. <P>Are you laughing yet? It gets better. I hung up and cried. Sitting on the edge of the couch in the living room, in the dark. My son sound asleep in his room. I was shaking and had no one to turn to but God. Oh, I prayed real hard. <P>Then about 6:30pm, H called said he was on his way home, would I wait for him.. Hmmmph.... why wait? Hey get your monies worth on the room or is it by the hour? H was crying. So I waited. This was a Tuesday, I needed to be at work and son was suppose to be in school. <P>H came back and said after I called he got up, got dressed (gave me those stinkin details), told OW he was leaving her and started to come home. <P>Ok, now it gets like a scene from Dynasty or something like that. Picture a not so pretty chinese Joan Collins on the floor tugging on H's leg (not sure if she was dressed or not) begging him not to leave her. Then she followed him out to the car (think she was dressed then) and cried and begged somemore. Ok, so I started crying but they ended up crying too.<P>H came back crying and begging to come home. I wanted to deck him. Instead I held him and cried again. <P>Moral of this story. It didn't that day. It went on for another 4 very long months. <P>Moral is: The ride is still new and fresh. Your wounds will run deep the more you ride with them. I did not know about MB as soon as you did. I was in this state for another 5 weeks before I found MB. You have a better chance of not being on that ride and what a wild ride it was, than I did. <P>By the way, it is ok to laugh. Because some of the stuff those guys (hawaiian slang for girls and guys) do in the fog is 'dumb and funny'. Looking back, I laughed. Not much else I could do. <P>Wishing you better stability and recovery,<P>L.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 06, 2001).]

JK - you've got some good advice here, even if you do have a gender neutral name, like me. If I had to do it over, maybe I'd pick a male name. But then it would be obvious I'm a male. Then, if I provided some really, really good wisdom for a female, they wouldn't believe I was a male, and other posters would have to reveal that "WAT's not a gal."<P>Seriously, don't throw in the towel. You'll need it later to give to OP for a surrender flag.<P>WAT

Thanks again all, Glad we got that gender thing squared away.<P>What is IMHO? <P>(((((Orchid, Your story gives me insperation, thanks.))))<P>I am angry, and have lost all respect for her. HOw is respect restored? I have to see har tonight and don't even want to look at her.<P>Dumb, I feel for you loses, I've been there, lost both parents. Closet family is 1500 miles away. I do realize my role, in fact i told her that I realize she had to leave me, (disrespectful jubgements) for her sanity and self esteem. Dosn't mean she needs to be invloved, I realize she missed the intamacy. But why not LOOK at MB with me. Is it the FOG?<P> <BR>I feel it would be easier to move on and fall in love with someone else at this point. <P>I think I don't even like her any more, let alone be with her.<P>Gota go do that work thing.

Your feelings are natural. So don't think you are alone in your thinking. Ask yourself a question. If your W came home today and said, "I love you and have made a huge mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I want to work on our marriage". What would you want to do?<P>Make a pact to yourself before you see her that you'll put your best foot forward. It is hard, I know that, because I don't like spending time with my wife now. She is just so fake and full of lies, in addition to the A.<P>IMHO - in my humble opinion<P>Take care.<BR>

JK-<P>Maybe I'm completely dumb and blind but I can't see another relationship being any easier especially if both aren't on the same page. If you haven't solved everything in your current relationship you will be doomed to repeat it in your next relationship. Same goes for significant other. You have kids w/her...you will always be connected.<P>And of course you don't like her right now...but you might think about dissociating the person from her behavior. Give it time stay the course...next week you'll feel differently.<P>Oh and the respect issue...she will gain respect from you the same way she did before...she will EARN it.<P>dd

Dumb, You don't sound so dumb to me!<BR>I guess I have started to see th aire of my ways and realize I need to make changes and infact have implemented many, I know this is a process, and I need to focus on me, but its the feeling of hopelessness that gets me looking toward a new relationship.<P>But you are rigth, I need to stay the course and be PATIENT!<P>JK<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumbdumb:<BR><B>JK-<P>Maybe I'm completely dumb and blind but I can't see another relationship being any easier especially if both aren't on the same page. If you haven't solved everything in your current relationship you will be doomed to repeat it in your next relationship. Same goes for significant other. You have kids w/her...you will always be connected.<P>And of course you don't like her right now...but you might think about dissociating the person from her behavior. Give it time stay the course...next week you'll feel differently.<P>Oh and the respect issue...she will gain respect from you the same way she did before...she will EARN it.<P>dd</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi JK,<P>I am glad my story gave you inspiration and not perspiration (just a joke and probably a bad one). <P>Well as stated, your feelings of abandonment and wanting to be needed (even if it means moving on) at this point are due to the shock and quite normal. However, take a look at Rick's question and it will help you see where you really are emotionally. <P>Step back and breathe. Your body, heart, mind and spirit are still in shock. You will recover. Then with a clear mind and a calm heart you will be able to make a decision about whether to take her back or move on at a later date. <P>Remember fogheads change their minds constantly. Don't make life changing decisions based solely on emotional status'. The fogheads are doing that enough as it is. You will complicate your problems even more if you start to waver that way!!!<P>Did I send you the 5 stages of grieving thread? I use it a lot for it really helped me see my progress. Anger is one of those stages. <P>Here is that thread:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>As far as restoring your respect for her? That will take a while and not something you can do. She has to earn that respect back. In the meantime, you will need to be patient and like a person in therapy, watch for signs of progress and regression. Learn not to take it all personally but the good times and the bad. Especially the bad. If you are doing your best and she still keeps knocking you down, consider the fact that she is still in the fog, kind of like someone fighting with you in their sleep, they don't have full control or knowledge of what they are subconsciously doing. <P>So keep posting here. You've got quite a support group here. If you get a chance, go to the JFO (just found out) site and search on their users for their stories. You may find a lot of similarities. Unfortunately, your feelings are not unique, these A's sure do test our patience. I know there a million other things I would rather be doing than dealing with a psyco OW or any OW for that matter. <P>Gotta go and earn a buck.<BR>See ya! <P>L.<P><BR>