It's been 3 months since D-day. I am in plan A and everything goes "well". One of my wife's (WS) problems was lack of communication. She would hold everything to herself - emotions, problems, etc. Now she says that she would tell me if she doesn't like something but still we have no communication about our life. We only talk about general things like work , weather, daughter etc...<BR>I try to start serious conversation about A or us like once a month because it's not easy.<BR>I want to know every thought what comes to her mind.<BR>I've read in the books that it's not good not to discuss things.<BR>What should the discussions be?<BR>How often?<BR>Is it good if we just live like nothing happened and than discuss something like once a month?<BR>I am a bit confused.<BR>I feel much better when she discusses things with me but she doesn't feel like it. Is she going to be willing to share if I am nice to her all the time (and I am)?<P>Thanks a lot in advance for any comments.<BR>Ivan

Hi Ivan,<P>You have a lot of questions and need some direction. I would like to recommend that you contact Steve Harley and have a phone counseling session with him. He can help you decide what you 'need' to know vs what you think you 'want' to know. <P>There are also many other tools here. I will check to see if you have already been given the welcome thread. <P>Take Care and I understand your frustration. <P>L.<BR>

Hi Ivan, your wife sounds like my husband - his entire reason for leaving me seems to be based on the fact that he can 'communicate' with the OW in a way that he has never been able to communicate with me. <P>I am in Plan A at the moment, and although we don't talk much on the 'phone, I am e-mailing him regularly with long letters describing what I've been doing - and my hopes, dreams, thoughts, philosophies - all the sort of stuff I know he enjoys talking about with the OW. It's hard, because like your wife, he doesn't want to even TRY communicating with me. In his mind, he's rejecting outright the idea that we can ever become close like that again, that it's impossible to talk to me in the deep way he talks with her. Therefore, I write all these long e-mails, and get very few replies - then they are just one or two lines of some practical request, like 'have you paid the mortgage yet?' !! But - I know he is reading them - it's very difficult not to read your own mail, natural curiosity always gets the better of you. Why don't you try writing your thoughts in a journal and offering it to your wife to read? Try not to dwell on the affair or the details of it, but ask other open questions of her, such as 'Do you believe in ghosts?', 'What country would you choose to live in if you won the lottery?', etc., Questions such as these can often lead to interesting discussions.<BR>Best wishes, Paint.