Hi, <P>As I read in one book on affairs:<P> When the annoyances of the op began to outweigh what the op provides in the affair, then this increases the <BR>chance that the affair will die a natural death.<P> Well, I have hung onto this hope too long. My H's affair doesn't fit into that slot. It isn't going to end.<BR>The op is entrenched and her roots have taken deep hold on<BR>my husband. <P> My feelings of rejection and my feelings of being failure never stray far away from the forefront of my mind. <P> Someone else has my husband. I am alone and I am very sad; I am also very, very angry. I am very resentful taht he could be so selfish and take care of himself before his family. His love for himself is alive and his love for his family is dead. He may still care about his children in some remote way.. but not enough to give them his daily presence and nurturing...they are so hurt and devastated.<P>I have let my children down. I feel responsible. Yet, I did not ask for any of this, but it sure was dealt me...<BR>One stack of cards I did not want to cut... I will carry this burden with me for the rest of my life. And what will he do? He will never feel any of our pain because he is too busy and too buffered by his feelings of passion and<BR>euphoria...And our family dies and our marriage is dissolved and he takes cares of his selfish agenda.<P> My attorney suggested that we subpoena this op on the day of the hearing; he will question her about her dwi convictions...we hope this will be another feather in my sole legal and physical custody hat. And also I want to make sure that my children are not allowed anywhere this op in any way, shape or form.<P> WEll, I will end by saying that ,in my case, the statistics that I read in all the affair books don't hold up for my case. <P>The affair hasn't ended and the d. is around the corner.<BR>I was a fool to think that even for a moment there was a chance that the pendulum would begin to swing back..<BR>but no such chance...<P>I did a plan A letter about two months ago. I have not done a Plan b letter.<P>I met with H and told him I am okay with upcoming d. <BR>(I lied to him). <P>I give up and I am frazzled. Whatever...<BR>elo<BR>

I am so very sorry for your pain.<P>How long have you and your husband been separated?<P>"I have let my children down. I feel responsible. "<P>Always remember that you are not responsible for this. Yes you may bare a fair share of responsibility for the flaws in your marriage. However, there is not such thing as a flawless marriage. It is your husband who chose to have an affair. He and he alone bares that responsibility. <P>I know that today you are in so much pain and it feels like that pain will never go away. It will, whether he comes back to you or if you do end up divorced, the pain will go away. You will survive and do well either way.<P>Remember that the best revenge is living well. <P>May God be with you.<BR>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I often feel the same way. How long has it been since d-day? If you do not want a D then I suggest you tell him this.Write it in a letter if it is easier for you.<BR>Just because the A hasn't ended yet doesn't mean it won't (and likely will) end later.Can you dely the D to give it more time?

Maezy and zorweb,<P>Thanks for replys. <P>I have tried mote times than one can count to tell him I do not want this divorce.<P>Hearing is June 15. This is the 3rd one; he stopped the first two. Now, I doubt that this one will be stopped because the op is hell bent on holding on because he is all she has...she was in jail before the affair began and her family did not want her.<P>Long story: alcohol, adultery, infidelity, auto accidents, dwi's, she has two dwi convictins, forgeries; she filed agasint our insurance and got $25,000 for bodily injury and Bonnie and Clyde were off==he left me and our three children and then came home when someone warned him she was trouble. She didn't leave him alone. He left a second and it has been 14 months now. Hellish and I am very angry and hurt. My children are devastated and I dread the future.<P>I have been warned not to fight the paper divorce and to minimize the emotional divorce. <P>will post more later. tell me about yourselves. elo

elo<BR>I wonder if a relationship between your H's OW and ANYONE could work out, given her history.I guess if you have to let go for the D then he will find out for himself.<BR>I suggest you do a plan B letter if he proceeds with the D.<BR>About me-read posting I just made about my plan B.

Don't count on it. I have seen a couple of affairs last more than five years and then a divorce happened.

Elo, I thank you. You have just summed up EXACTLY the way I feel, EXACTLY. I did not think anyone could write it so matter-of-factly.<P>I just plan B'd today, H is off with OW and left me and the kids. But you know what, I feel much better! I now have a plan, I am not waiting for him to decide what to do and how to proceed.<P>I feel he will also be with OW a long time and the A will not die a natural death anytime soon (yes, definately eventually!! I am positive on that). The same will happen for you. That union was not meant to be and will fizzle in time.<P>Do a plan B letter, just do it. It takes such a load off of you and gives you such peace of mind! It is not too late, do it for yourself, not for him! It will help.<P>Like an infamous quote from our friend InShockInCali:<P>What will happen if you don't plan B?<BR>He will stay away<BR>He will come home<P>What will happen if you do plan B?<BR>He will stay away<BR>He will come home<P>Do it for you.

Hello,<P>So glad to hear from all of you.<P>So much pain and hurt in these posts.<P>So many stories to try to keep up with.<P>Hurtbyhubby, your words: I did not think anyone could say it so matter of factly. Those words all come from my gut and my heart. I have been through a hellish 16 months since discovery of affair in 1/2000. A major roller coaster ride that is never ending. The lows are so low.<P>When I have to go to this hearing next Friday, it will be the lowest of the lowest point so far and I will see some of the lowest-namely, my H and that ow. My attorney is having her appear via a subpoena to question her about her two DWI's in Texas; I don't want her around my children.<P>I feel so much pain for my children and I am so angry taht he could just desert us and for what--the freedom to drink alcohol with another drunk. He will regret his actions one day...and then what? <P>It is late. Keep in touch. elo