My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He was kind of withdrawn for a couple of months. We went on a trip to visit family and on our return, things got worse. One night he told me that he has been unhappy in the marriage for the past three years. The next day he admitted to a relationship with another woman. He had been in love with this woman when he was 17. They communicated for 2 years and she told him at the end of that period that she looked on him as a friend only. He continued to write to her for a year and proposed at the end of the year. She hadn't replied to any of his letters, but responded to the proposal with a no. We met a few years later and married. He told me about her casually and in passing. <BR>Now he tells me that a year ago he felt that she was in trouble, and started to look for her. Found her. She is single, had been in a relationship for 10 years and got dumped. She was going through a bad time and welcomed him back. She is in a different country, and they met for a day and a half. Talked and had sex. Now he tells me that he had felt her whenever she was going through a bad phase. When he felt her presence a year and a half ago, she had just donated a kidney!<BR>He first said he hadn't thought of her in 13 years, then that he had tried to find her after our engagement, then one more time three years later. He thought about her when her boyfriend broke up with her in '96. <BR>Now he says he has been thinking of her off and on all 15 years of our married life. <BR>He wants to leave the marriage and go to her. Wants to marry her. He says I've been critical whereas she makes him feel he can be what he used to be in his youth. I found an e-mail she had written to him making plans for the future - her coming to the US, going on a cruise...<BR>I think he is confused, since he hasn't yet said he wants a divorce. He just says he doesn't know what to do. It is him and her on the one side, and me and the rest of the world on the other side. One day he wants to work at the marriage, and another day he doesn't. He says he has these strong feeling for her that he needs to resolve. Till he figures out if they are real or a fantasy, he doesn't want to commit to working at the marriage.<BR>Can you advise me on what to do? I feel so low, and unwanted. If he has been in love with her all along, why did he marry me? He says he was wanting to talk to me and work things out two years ago, but didn't say anything because I was going through some panic attacks at that time. He keeps telling me that she has nothing to do with his decision on whether or not to work at the marriage. When I asked him what changed from two years ago, he will not respond. I love him very much, but all this is making me scared and anxious. What do I do? How do I react?<P>

Three words - 'Mid Life Crisis'. That's what's going on with your husband, I'll bet my socks on it. Mine's doing the same thing - he doesn't want to give our marriage a chance, he says it's got 'nothing to do with the OW' and he says things have been wrong in our marriage for years...<P>What can I say? I've been though hell too, and I know how you feel. You trust in someone, you devote your life to them - then they just throw you away like a bag of trash. It's not fair, it's hurtful and it's hard to deal with.<P>Having said that - you have come to the right place. You are not alone in this, and by reading some of the other posts you will soon find that the phrases he is using are taken from the standard 'Wayward Spouse Script'. They mean nothing - absolutely nothing. Please believe that. Yes, he is confused, he is going through a very confusing time in his life and if it's any consolation, he's not really in control of what he is thinking or saying right now. He's searching desperately for answers, and he will grab at anything that might provide those answers, however ridiculous those things seem. My own husband even visited a psychic and also bought some tarot cards to try and find the 'answers' - and he has spent his entire life ridiculing such things! You say he sensed that she was in trouble or pain? Coincidence - you know that, I know that, the rest of the world knows that, but unfortunately he is blinded by this dense fog he finds himself in and is ready to believe in anything that might provide an excuse for what he is doing. Be prepared to hear the words 'It was destiny', 'We were meant to be together', 'I have to follow my true path' and all the other crap they start spouting. You've probably heard some of it already?<P>Now, read up everything you can on this website and prepare yourself for the roller-coaster ride. There are many other people on the roller-coaster too, so don't be afraid - we are right next to you if you need to scream or cry. The one thing you must keep on believing in, is that this is all 'fantasy land'. Eventually he WILL realise that, but it takes time, and you can't protect him from the hard lessons he has to learn. Just be yourself, make a 'Plan A' and for goodness sake, keep swimming - don't let yourself drown. Loads of hugs, and the best of luck,<BR>Paint

Oh the tangled web we weave to justify ourselves when we know we are wrong! Blechh.<P>First off welcome to Marriage Builders, you have come to the right place. Keep posting and letting us know how things are going. There is alot of support and wisdom of experience here.<P><<"If he has been in love with her all along, why did he marry me?">><P>You hit the truth right on the head and probably don't know it. He is in the FOG, and you have the upper hand here, you are his wife don't forget that he does love you he is justifying some very very bad and reprehensible behavior and decisions. Take everything he says right now as temporary insanity and with a big grain of salt and a shot of what you know in your heart is the truth.<P>Read everything on srviving an affair on this site start here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>Get books, you will here alot of them recommended, get a marriage counselor, alot of people recommend the Harley's by phone, and start Plan A today. You will see a link to what are Plan A and Plan B on the left of the page I gave you a link to.<P><BR>Hang in there, this is not an easy ride bt it is worth the effort, and it really can get better.<P><BR>

Brady<BR>Hang in there! You are experiencing the same as myself and I believe it is mid-life crisis combined with the fact that we had withdrawn from each other. My H said things that were totally out of character for him. He is still wayward and lives with the OW but I believe he will return.Get ready to run a marathon though, concentrate on one day at a time. Work hard on plan A.It will confuse him, if nothing else.And like the others have said, he is in fog and they are living in a fantasyland. Reality will hit eventually.

Thank you so much for responding, all of you. I'm going to read up on Plan A and implement it ASAP. My H is basically a very caring, loving person. I know that I am not blameless in all this. He came into the marriage determined to make me happy so he doesn't get rejected. I feel kind of short changed. All he did was give all the time, and not take at all. There have been so many times when I told him that he must have SOME needs. All I got in response was - What ever you want. I'm don't mind either option. Now he says I did not let him do what he wants. How was I to know, if he never expressed those needs? I guess I could have been more sensitive. I'm willing to work at it. In fact, I've already started. The one bright lining to my cloud is that the OW is so far away. He says he has not contacted her, since I asked him not to. I'll keep you guys posted on what happens. <BR>But first, a big THANK YOU !!