Hello everyone,<P>I have received a number of responses from you all with regards to my WS and her continued "friendship" contact with the OM. Some of you have suggested to be the "silent observer" so to speak. The emotional affair needs to take its course. However, I received one response from SKM which deeply moved me. Please see SKM's response near the bottom of the posting I have provided a link to.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009419.html" TARGET=_blank>Cheating wife wants to work things out, still in contact with OM!!</A><P>I feel the need to present her response to my wife, however, some of you who have suggested I be the "silent observer" state that this may draw her away from me in her time of "addiction". I do not want to come across as being controlling, forcing my opinions down her throat.<P>Would it not be all right to leave a copy of SKM's response in an open spot, like say the kitchen counter with say my car keys and wallet as I normally do. Trying to pass it off as just having put it there for the time being. If she reads it it would be her choice. I technically am not forcing it down her throat, right?<P>I am now keeping a journal containing a lot of things. Anywhere from feelings, thoughts, question, wishes, etc. I told her when I bought the book that I was going to start keeping a journal. I told her that I had nothing to hide in the journal. She was free to read it at any time. It never interested her, however, something happened last night.<P>Last night I left the journal on the counter. Normally I have a thick rubber band around it. Last night I deliberately left the rubber band off. She was outside watering her flowers while I went to bed. She told me she would come to bed right away. However, 30 minutes later she shows up and begins to kiss me passionately for a few minutes. It was remarkable. The most affection I have gotten from her in a long time. Then we fell asleep together in each others arms, that was all. I assume she read the journal, but I have no proof. I haven't asked her either. Should I? Or should I just keep it a known secret to myself as a way to silently communicate with her, if this is comfortable for her now?<P>Is and was this a good approach? It had favorable results. Should I try it with SKM's "no contact consequences"?<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. --><p>[This message has been edited by bluerodeoboy (edited June 07, 2001).]

It's so hard to be patient in a situation like yours. You want answers and resolution NOW. You must be patient.<P>Sounds like perhaps she may have read your journal. Kudos to you for finding a non-confrontational way to make your feelings known. I'm willing to step back and plan A and be patient, but only if I'm sure the WH knows how I feel and where I stand.<P>I'd wait on showing her the post. See if you can determine if she really did read your journal. Keep it out where she can find it. See if you can somehow subtly "mark" it so you can tell if she touched it. (Particular alignment on the table, or a bookmark placed inside at a certain angle, that type of thing.) <P>If you still feel strongly about wanting her to read the post, and you think she may be ready to deal with what it says, then print it out, fold it so it fits inside the journal's back cover, and leave it there.<P>I've done the "leave the MB book on the table, open to a certain page" thing. It worked once or twice. <P>You sound a lot like me in your efforts to move on quickly. My C's latest advice to me was to "keep looking for creative ways to empower yourself." With time, you'll slow down and develop the patience to handle the rollercoaster ride.<P>You're doing so well... keep posting here for strength and reactions to your ideas. <P>The Hat.

Another question I have, if you will. Should I present the entire posting starting with my post along with everyone's responses? Does that present a more personal touch? In providing one response doesn't it look as if I just found a response that suited my answer, where as see the response to my post may give her a more indepth look into how I am feeling and dealing with things?<P>Advise anyone?<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

OK, BRB, The Hat gave you some good advice right up front. I'll do the same: Refer to WAT's rule number 2:<P>Rule 2: don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to end contact between the affairees. They have to do this own their own.<P>I envy your passionate kiss - don't expect it every day. Maybe it was motivated by your journal.<P>Don't misinterpret SKM's advice. She advised you that you shouldn't make demands right now - your W is in no mood for that. Everyone agrees that all contact has to stop eventually before any meaningful recovery can occur. But, don't interpret this as meaning you can force the separation. You can't, hence the "silent observer" advice until she's more receptive.<P>You'll read on this forum that you can't educate a WS until they're ready to be educated. Again, refer to Rule #2. Now, I don't know what's in your journal, but I bet it's not an analysis of your wife's mental state. Providing her with SKM's post at this point may not be received as well as your journal was - if that's what motivated her kiss. But maybe it WILL have a powerful effect. Just be careful. There's something inherently dangerous and dishonest with schemes to leave things around for people to stumble over. She may react violently if she realizes you've been discussing her "affair" - DON'T YOU REALIZE WE'RE JUST FRIENDS???????? - for the world to see.<P>WAT

Yup, what WAT said - most especially rule #2 - very wise....and I answered your other thread, too.<P>Lori

Blue,<BR>Thanks for reference to SKM'S POST -- SKYM -- THANKS FOR SHARInG YOUR EXPERIENCE! HELPFUL INSIGHT!<P>Dobson ... "Love Must Be Tough" -- I also read survival guide & it was very helpful as well! -- If you are anything like I was at your stage, these books help add some needed perspective & understanding & thus hopefully help you decide what is best for YOU!<P>I don't know if it's critical for you to do anything dramatic right away -- I suggest getting additional insight from these books --<BR>I have found from these reading & my own experience that it is common that the WS not want to talk about these things. I have left these for my W & she normally tells me she has not looked at them. I had some in my brief case that she did tell me read. It is the fight against perceived control for her.<BR>Sometimes I think it can be stronger if you formulate something that comes from you (even if it actually doesn't) than what other people, or a book suggest.<BR>My nickles worth.<BR>Peace,<BR>HH

I guess I am running to fast, my legs just can't keep up. From what people tell me this is normal to want to step in and save things quick. I'm beginning to see that it may not be possible.<P>Looks like I will continue to just note my thoughts in my journal and leave it where I have left it everynight, beside the microwave. She knows it is there and I have told her I have nothing to hide, she is welcome to read it whenever, whether I know or not. SKM's response, as I stated in that post, has a reserved spot in my journal for my own inspiration.<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

So as I am now looking at facing Rule No. 2 head on. I guess I should prepare myself for the possibility that their relationship as it stands now is only emotional, the physical has been set aside at this point. However, from SKM's experience the emotional can once again blossom into the physical because of the addiction that it is.<P>I'm not saying that will happen, but it could since it is a visious circle, with me as the pawn, the "silent observer". Are my assumptions correct?<P>------------------<BR>Blue Rodeo Boy<BR><-- Trust Yourself, and don't believe in any more lies. -->

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bluerodeoboy:<BR><B>I'm not saying that will happen, but it could since it is a visious circle, with me as the pawn, the "silent observer". Are my assumptions correct?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you are correct. But, being a silent observer does not mean you're an inactive observer. Quite the contrary. You should seek out and correct whatever behaviors of yours that contributed to the pre-existing marriage problems. Then, fix them and demonstrate your improvements. Also, figure out what ENs of your wife's you weren't meeting and attempt to start meeting them, if she'll let you. You have to make changes to treat your marriage differently than you did before the affair. You have control over this completely. This is what Plan A is all about. You are in a perfect position to work it because she is home and maybe the PA is dormant at the moment. Seize the opportunity.<P>WAT<P>