Okay, here goes again. I hope this is much better. I took everyone's suggestions and rolled them in. I think it is good to go (at least much better than the one I started days ago). Let me know.<P>Dear <H>,<P>This letter is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I love you <H>. I have loved you for the past 10 years of my life. I respect you, and I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made your affair possible. My love for you has not diminished, even though you have been involved with <OW> and continue to keep her in your life.<P>More than anything, I pray that we can put our mistakes behind us and build a better life for our family. I want for all of us to have the kind of life we DESERVE, not the one we are forced to live with. We can do it, together. It will take a lot of work from both of us, but we owe it to ourselves and to our children to make our marriage work. <P>The <H> I know is kind, caring, compassionate and loves his children with the kind of zest I wish I possessed. Your involvement with <OW> has changed all that. You are no longer the person you used to be. The man that stands before me is a stranger to me and the kids. You have even said yourself that you do not feel like this is you. I cannot continue to let you hurt me and the kids verbally. <P>I pray every day that you will find the courage inside yourself to take the next step and get the help you deserve. I want to be here to help you, to help get through this. You have been there for me in the past, just like I want to be here for you now. But I cannot do this while <OW> is still in your life. The first step in getting help is to break the<BR>addiction that is continuing to plague our marriage. I know it will be hard, but I'll be here for you if you make this choice.<P>However, while you are still in contact with <OW> I cannot be here for you. It is just too painful and devastating for me to see you engulfed in another woman. You cannot imagine what it is like for me to deal with my biggest fear head-on every day. <P>In order to preserve my love for you and the deep friendship/companionship we had, I must insist that we<BR>maintain a "no-contact" relationship until you are willing to take that first step to recovery. I will hope and pray that you will make the time to have supervised visitation with the kids. Your parents have agreed to be the liaison for this. You can see the kids whenever you want, <H>, but it must be supervised until you can prove you have gotten the counseling we spoke about.<P>Please go through your parents for all other issues that may arise. The only open issue as I see it is the $171.19 car loan payment due the 12th of every month.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself and the kids from this new person you have become and to keep our love for you intact. I need a chance to heal emotionally from this experience, The children do not yet understand the role<BR><OW> has played in the destruction of the family life they deserve, but it has hurt me beyond words. I did not deserve it. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I have told you before, the husband/father we knew is MIA, I need to accept that and move on. Yeah, maybe he'll come back - maybe not. I can't sit around waiting. I need to get on with my life and make a good and stable life for the kids. That is what I am doing.<P>I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. When you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. <P>I love you <H>, you will always be special to me. I am very proud of the man you were just 3 months ago. Proud of you as a husband, a father, and a student. You are a good man inside. I have tried my best to convey my true feelings to you and my desire to have you as my husband and the full-time father of our kids. I don't know what else to say. I don't want to guilt you or trap you into staying. This is<BR>your decision and I will respect and get on with my life no matter what you decide, even if I do not agree. I will make it and I will make the best life for the kids that I possibly can, but also know that although it may be what I am forced into doing, it is not what I WANT.<P>I love you with all my heart. Take Care, <H>.

Hi HbH,<P>You have spoken from the heart. I am not a good analyzer of letters but it looks good to me. The only word of caution is that you speak of respecting him now (as he is?). Maybe rephrase and say you want to restore the respect you had for him as a husband, father and friend. I changed the words love to care, because that word love used in the fog starts to all sound and mean the same to the WS. Remember they are saying or being told those 'I love you' phrases almost every time they communicate. After a while it looses its meaning. <P>I told H I do care for him and want to learn to love him again 'when my real H returns'. I know I was a bit sarcastic but he knew the man he had become was not the real him. To pretend that I wanted 'that' man back in my house was a lie. Therefore, the need to go to plan B. <P>As a result, H kept asking why did I still love him. I actually said, I did not. As long as he was with her, I could not love 'that' man, but if he found my H, I would tell my real H that I loved him. That sent him on a personal mission to find my real H. He came home a bit battered and bruised but still came home. That other man hangs around a bit but I don't see him as much anymore. My real H is showing up more and more each day. Gotta be patient though.<P>Please be aware that once the letter is sent, all is not over. A new set of issues will begin but you will be able to deal with it. You have support here and your stability. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 08, 2001).]

Thanks Orchid, you are so right. That IS exactly the way I feel. I will re-word it to express that, I don't love this man, I love my old husband.<P>In my paragraph when I talk about being MIA, I'm going to add. "...I need to except that and move on. When I say I love you and care for you in this letter, it is THAT man I love and care for. That is the man I hope comes back."<P>Also, per Scared's advice in my other thread and alot of soul-searching last night, I think I MAY have a plan that may work with the kids. The two paragraphs "In order to preserve my love for you...due the 12th of every month." I'm going to change to:<P>"In order to preserve my love for you and the deep friendship/companionship we had, I must insist that we maintain a "no-contact" relationship until you are willing to take that first step to recovery. If an emergency arises you may contact me via email at work. All other household and financial matters should go through your parents. They have agreed to be the liaison with this.<P>I hope you do get the counseling you say you will in regards to becoming a better parent. Until that happens though and we can both be sure you are safe with the kids, I ask that you limit your visits to 1-2 hours in length. Between 8:30-3pm, please contact <babysitter> for visitation with the kids. Please provide her with the place you are going and time you will be back. We have both agreed the kids will not visit your apartment or be around <OW> in any context. This must still occur. For weekends, please contact your parents to work something out."<P>OR, do you guys think I should just say "I'll email you with details" in the plan B letter and then send this seperate??