I really need help. I guess you can say I'm in Plan A mode. Sometimes H responds, sometimes not (he kissed me fairly passionately yesterday for the first time in a long time). However, right after, he closed up. He became even angrier. When he kissed me, he wanted to make sure that I was aware it wasn't his love, just physical needs. He then said to me, "How can you still want me after everything I've done to you?" I didn't respond. I just become more confused each day as to what is defined in letting go. I mean, you need to let go so that WS's can make their decision but HOW?

How far are you from discovery? How long and what type of affair did WH have? How are you with your anger, pain and resentments? I'm curious, this is a also a big question for me and I am 9 months from D-day. I still can't even kiss my husband...

Hi dun_z, I found out on April 2. H is involved with someone overseas that he's seen twice. He met her in October '99. They emailed and phoned each other secretly until she visited again in October '00 where it turned into a PA. She returned to her home overseas after a two-week visit. They continue to email and phone each other daily. I found out via a huge cell phone bill that he had hid and forgotten about. The pain is unbearable but I believe in Plan A and am trying to save the marriage. I am angrier than I've ever imagined but I'm in counselling.

Dear T,<P>This EA thing is awful isn't it? 2 meetings with 1 pa yet EAs every day. That's the kicker. All that talk is necessary to continue to A. <P>Ok, now that's where your stragety begins. Finding ways for your H to have his communication interests directed elsewhere. Hm..... <P>1. let the cell phone cancel.<BR>2. put a monitor on the computer to track all activities of<BR> everyone. <BR>3. let your H find a way to communicate outside your home.<BR> if he does this at work, it will show. <BR>4. keep him busy with activities so he does not have much<BR> opportutnity to stray to go and make secret calls. <P>This mystery of how much can they both get away with is probably just as much a pull as the actual physical attraction but he does not know it. It has become a game. Therefore, his words to you are an attempt to push you away. Once you know this, you now know what you can work on. Don't let the words hurt you. <P>My H said that several times. At first I tried to reason with him. WRONG!!!! Can't reason with someone in the fog and H was real deep in the fog. H was mentally acted like he was drugged. It is that addiction/dazed stuff. <P>Eventually I learned to just say, I don't know. This piece of uncertainty bewildered H, just enough to start him thinking. That is the key. Word your responses and actions so that they make him think. <P>He will not see that you are trying to manipulate him because you are not telling him what to do. It is ok to say: "I don't know". In many cases, we truly don't know but want to give some sort of answer to help. That is not what the WS wants at that point to our 'help' is useless. <P>Kind of crazy, but that is the way it is. So periodically you will see acts of kindness and love followed by irrational behavior. You are confused and so are they. I used to let my H know, yep you are confusing me. He would finally admit, yea me too and then wonder why was he acting to weird??!?!? Got the gray cells moving again. I believe this helped him out of the fog. Not completely out but it started him in that direction. <P>I learned not to read into every action, especialy the stupid ones. Let them slide. Consider the source and the bad influence of the OP. At this point some of the WS's are in the control of the OP. One of the terms is called 'waffling'. Watch for that. Don't be tempted to do the waffle with them, just learn to watch. <P>Put stability back in your life. Show him you are not the waffler. It may make him a bit 'dizzy' to see you standing still but him moving back and forth. Better him than you, because one day he will need you to be there for him to help him stabilize. If you can and still want to work on your marriage, work towards that day.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>