We're six months into recovery now... for probably 3-4 out of those six, my H constantly brought up the A, and constantly lashed out at me. I withdrew and tried to ignore his comments. On the advice of our counselor, I walked away and told him I wouldn't listen to it. In the last couple of months, my H has been pleading with me to be more affectionate with him, plan things with him, etc.. I haven't done it. I have been protecting myself.. as I had gotten used to in prior years due to verbal abuse. He doesn't speak down to me anymore.. I've always had a problem with affection.. I don't know why, my parents are very loving. It's killing him.. Sex is wonderful.. it's the in-between affection that I'm not good at.. (Not real normal for a woman, I know)...I'm not good at expressing my feelings either.. and now, he's telling me that he just can't believe that I love him because I'm not showing him.. and if I had been really really putting a lot into it, he could get past the A more easily. He's on the edge of walking out.. says he's tired of waiting for me to show him. I don't want to lose him.. I love him more than anything. He says if I do start showing him, he knows that in a couple of months, I'll slip back into complacency. We've been married 13 years and have two children. I am a complacent person, no doubt... he's not. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to do it.. to make him feel like he wants to feel.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>)...I'm not good at expressing my feelings either.. and now, he's telling me that he just can't believe that I love him because I'm not showing him.. and if I had been really really putting a lot into it, he could get past the A more easily. He's on the edge of walking out.. says he's tired of waiting for me to show him. <B>I don't want to lose him.. I love him more than anything</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to do it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Leighann,<P>Not that your H is necessarily correct in his handling of you but...how do you eat an elephant?? The answer, one bite at a time. Incrementally make tiny steps in the right direction, you can't do it all at once.<P>dd

Fear of intimacy is generally something we learn in childhood, if your parents were loving my next guess is you were molested as a child, not necaessarily by your parents. You don't have to answer this here, but it's more common than you may think, and there is alot of help and support out there for you than you may be aware of, and it's nothing to be ashamed of because it is 100% not your fault, despite what your molester may have made you feel.<P>I could be way off base so I am not going to linger there too long, but there is something that caused this in you, whatever that something is digging into some good individual couseling and facing those demons is going to make you and your marriage better and happier in the long run.<P>if it is nothing to do with any childhood trauma, which I doubt, but if it's not then there is the issue of verbal abuse too. I know the toll that takes on a person's pshyche. But if you want your marriage then your H needs and deserves that reassurance so you are going to have to roll up your sleeves and work on conquering it and learning new ways of being, it can be done.<P><BR>The book "How to get what you want and want what you have" by John Gray is one that I recommend to everyone, it helped me to release alot of my childhood issues and blocks I have been stuffing. do the letter writing he suggests and the meditation, until you do it you won't know how much better you can feel.<P>Honesty is the key right now with your H. Tell him honestly of your fears, feelings and problems and how you are going to work on them. Take chances, dare to grow and be healthier and happier than you ever thought yourself capable of. You can do this.<P> ((((Leighann}}}}<P><BR>

I didn't have any childhood trauma... my childhood was the best. The only thing I can think of.. is my mother. She was never affectionate toward me as a child.. she did EVERYTHING for me.. cooked, made my clothes, she did it all. She was wonderful... but I have no memories of her sitting down and holding me, reading to me, etc. I only remember her telling me she loved me once.. but I knew she did, and it didn't bother me. My dad was very affectionate. I think my mother.. is where it came from.- in addition to the verbal abuse.. So, I don't display affection outwardly very well. I find myself working my but off at home on the house and "doing" things for my husband, but that's not what he wants.. he wants my undivided attention, but he wants it soo much, and it's really hard.. example, last night.. I surprised him at work with ice cream and we had a real nice visit. He came home at 10:30.. I was waiting up in bed watching TV.. he said "Don't I rate high enough for you to get out of bed when I come home?" That's where my fear is.. that I never do enough, or what he thinks I should do... then, he's disappointed. My needs are nothing like his.. I don't want him to jump out of bed for me.. surprise me at work with ice cream, or any of that. My counsleor said his needs were so high, that I would never be able to meet them. I think I stopped trying because it was never enough.. I'm going to keep trying- I don't know what else to do.

Hi Leighann - a counselor actually told you to walk away and not listen while your spouse tried to express himself? Was he making threats or scaring you? "Lashing out" can be a result of frustration and a desperate attempt to communicate to an unreceptive listener. <P>I suffered from my wife's indifference to affection. Of course, we both played a role in causing the loss of intimacy. It may help to think of affection not so much as the physical aspects, e.g., touching, hugging, etc., but as what affection means - reassurance of love and caring. The real EN of affection is not necessarily the tactile sensation, but the meaning of it. Even if you're going through the mechanics of sex, to many, a simple touch can represent just as much reassurance that you still care.<P>WAT

Yea, I have to agree with WAT. I find it hard to believe that your counselor suggested you not listen to yor H lashing out at you. BAD advice. Most likely the cause of his being ready to give up. I would've if my H had done that, no doubt, long ago. Good bye.<P>Your H has a ned and a right to reassurance. He has a right to lash out and have you take it and aplogize for hurting him so badly and tell him how sorry you are and you aren't going anywhere. All BS's go through that. Hats off to those who can Plan A off the bat- it goes against every natural human reaction to pain and betrayal.<P>I suggest you stop walking away, encourage him to just sit and vent and you just sit there and hold him, while he does it. Don't get mad back in any way. Don't in any way try to justify what you have done, or make him feel he doesn't have a right to his pain and fear. Don't do anything but tell him you love him and sincerly how sorry you are that you hurt him so much. This will go farher than you think- if you are consistent his need for reassurance will lessen with time.<P>