I really feel that I could move on with my life and my marriage if I had total resolution with respect to just a few issues between me and my H. I've come to terms with the fact that he's not going to go to marriage counseling, ever. Period. I'm not happy about it, but as long as he doesn't start acting wiggy, I can deal with it. I will *have* to deal with it.<P>However. There are three things that I need from my H to achieve resolution:<P>1. I need to hear from his own lips, "Yes, I cheated. I had an affair." See, when he left me, he claimed that we were separated and that he should be able to see other people. When he came back, he still saw the XOW and spoke with her on an almost daily basis. He does not consider this an extension of an EMR because of the "no sex." I consider it an EA (emotional affair), and far more threatening than him having sex with her. He may as well have continued the PA, because his contact with her hurt that much. So I just want to hear him say, "I continued my relationship with XOW by taking it to an emotional affair rather than a physical affair."<P>2. I want to hear him acknowledge that the XOW said and did some terrible things to hurt me and to try to destroy our marriage (to try to get me to kick him out). I want to hear him say ONE BAD THING about her. Just one. It doesn't have to be severe name-calling or anything awful. I just want to hear him say, "What she did to you was harmful and hurtful, and you did nothing to warrant it. It was her fault that she couldn't handle her own emotions." Instead, he still blames me because he claims that since I initiated contact with her, I left myself "open" for her attack.<P>3. I want him to read Harley's "Surviving an Affair," discuss it with me, chapter by chapter, and fill out the worksheets in the back. I really *do* want to know what his top ENs are ... but since I don't know, I don't know how to fulfill them.<P>What about the rest of you? What could your WS do to help you achieve resolution to the EMR?<P>belld

Hi Belldandy,<P>I also set conditions. <P>1. First we agreed that in order for H to come home, he needed to bring added value to us. Earn back our love and respect. You see both my son and I were ready to move on. Earlier my son actually said, 'mom, if dad doesn't want to live with us, can you please go and get another dad who does want to live with us?' Hm..... insult to his real father or what??!?!? I did not influence my son in that direction, he just knew his dad had abandoned his family. H was informed of our son's viewpoint and this hurt him deeply. <P>See as long as he felt he had us in his hip pocket, he took us for granted. Once he learned that not only were we saying we were moving on but already started doing it, he thought twice. OW was happy but H was not and that is where trouble in fantasy land began (again). This time with permanent damage. <P>2. H had to put the needs of his family ahead of his own. Hard thing for a selfish man to do. H needed an attitude adjustment. No longer was his family going to wait on him hand and foot. If that is what he wanted, there were plenty of OWs willing to do that 'for a while'. Then the would call in their cards. Hm..... H knew that. <P>3. Pay his bills. No more keeping his checks for himself and me stuck paying everything for the family and some of H's personal debt. All income is famil money. <P>4. H is not a boarder. We are all accountable to each other. <P>5. Go to counseling. <P>6. Read the Hn/Hn book. Take the EN questionnaire. <P>7. See life for what it is. Be responsible for our actions and decisions. <P>8. H is responsible for rebuilding his personal relathiionship with God. <P>9. H needs to be a good role model for our child. <P>10. H needs to have an active share in the raising of our child in all aspects. Not just what is convenient. <P>In return, his family promise to show H the love and care rightly due and loving H and father. <P>I think this is a pretty good deal. H knew that if he truly wanted his family back, wher the changes really needed to be made. Our support was what he needed to be reassured of. <P>Of course last but not least by any means, OW must be completely out of the picture. Stubborn old mule that she is, she is still trying to fit her but into the picture. She is becoming a bit obnoxious even to H. <P>lhm<P>

For me it would be really diving into his individual therapy and finally learning to handle emotions instead of stuffing them and hitting me over the head with them later. My biggest fear remains going back to the verbal absuse.<P>Also it would be nice to ever hear him say you know those things I said were just fog talk- my perceptions of the situation were all mixed up, I don't think those things I said about you and our relationship during that time period are or were true at all anymore.<P>He has kinda said this, and kinda jumped backwards on this too sometimes depeding on if he is in the loving H mode or angry mode seems to determine how he views it. Consistency in loving H mode indicating that it is true and not an act would be great.<P><BR>

Orchid,<P>I like your set of conditions. In a perfect marriage, those would be my conditions as well. However, practically speaking, I know that I cannot expect that from my H. I have told him repeatedly during the course of our marriage what my needs are. He has told me, very bluntly (paraphrased as I interpret it), "No, I refuse to meet your needs."<P>He refuses to cancel his private P.O. box so that we both receive our mail at the same address.<P>He has refused to get all of his phone calls on our home line, and rather permits others to call him on his cell phone - even when he's at home. Does a $200 cell phone bill bother me, when we desperately need the money? Da*ned straight it does! But he has said, "No." So there you go.<P>I don't know what the answer is when a spouse unequivocably says, "No, I refuse to meet your most important needs." I just have to live with it ... and be miserable. The only three things that I have not given up total hope on are the three things that I mentioned. I think that it might take a lot of time (maybe a few years or so), but I think that I might get those needs met from my H ... one day. I hope I do. I pray that I do. I cannot imagine living in a marriage without those three needs being met.<P>belld

{{{{BellDandy}}}}}}}}<P><<"I don't know what the answer is when a spouse unequivocably says, "No, I refuse to meet your most important needs." I just have to live with it ... and be miserable. ">><P>There is a recipe for disaster and resentment, not to mention don't think you are above having an affair if you keep up on that note. To think that is the major stumbling block for so many who do and come to humility the hard way, including my H. No, we are all hard wired for this, we have to affair proof our marriages- I agree with Harley on this one.<P>Is the contact still going on? Is that the reason for PO Box and cell #? I would say I would suspect it, but I don't know your story well enough.<P><BR>

Scared,<P>No, there is no contact. Believe me, I continued to snoop long after the fact, and XOW is history. Especially after she ratted my H out like she did. <P>I don't think that H is hiding anything from me. *Yet.* I think that all of these things, however, would make it very easy for him to engage in an EMR again in the future, should things start to go downhill. I would never be aware of it. He has the perfect set-up for privacy. <P>As for me, I dunno about having an EMR. I came really close to it w/ an online gentleman during my H's EMR. I just could NOT do it. Online gentleman had everything that a woman could want - good looks, single, great career, listened to me, kind, gentle, wanted to send me gifts and plane tickets, ad nauseum. I still could not do engage with him, even when H was living with the OW. It was too sleazy. I don't think I'll ever hate myself that much to have an ongoing EMR with someone and keep it a secret from my H - only if I were desperately suicidal or mentally incompetent. Which, I suppose, could happen. I'm too much of a blabber, and I can't keep a secret to save my life. I once kept a secret from my H for three days, and I was puking in the toilet every morning from the guilt. I literally could not function. An EMR would send me over the edge with guilt.<P>Just to give you a snapshot of my feelings on this.<P>belld