Friends - <P>Now that my WS and I are 8 mos past Dday - with several major setbacks, including her continuing to be in contact with OM and reaching the point of divorce a few months ago (now "on hold") - I'm wondering how to find the continued stength I need to make this work when I feel like I'm the only partner here who's trying <P>How are the rest of you doing it? I read, talk with friends, counsellors, come here. I was born-again during this process and have my prayers and God. I've developed new interests away from her that give me "inner" time, like yoga and meditation.<P>An in all honesty, I feel stronger and more patient these days then I have ever felt before More intouch with me and more at peace with my own self-worth and happiness.<P>Yet, I ponder here on Sat morning <B>why</B> I continue to put up with this?! Even during this past month (when she asked me to give us another chance) I've felt that that I'm the only one trying to make our life happiier together.<P>We share no intimacy (not talking sex here, more like quite moments together, time out together, engaging in conversation except "chit chat", etc.), never receive any spontaneous expressions of compassion from her (reaching to hold my hand, a kiss, a nice card/note, token of caring, etc.). She doesn't do any obvious personal work, like individual counseling. And where she used to spend time reading the Bible, listening to Christian inspirational tapes, and studying The Word, I rarely see any evidence that she has continued this part lately. She has never been interested in reading self-help books about love and relationships, surviving affairs and has not sought any guidance from outside sources, like this site.<P>I've spoke to some of her friends and she rarely even talks to them about anything of substance. And she doesn't have a good family support system. Heck, as far as I can tell, the only person she probably turns to about any of this is OM! <P>I realize after spending so much time here that you have to give them time - that they have to find their way to their answers - avoid being seen as controlling and manipulative towards them - meet her emotional needs and don't LB. And I can honestly say that for the past month, my conduct has been exemplary (self-generated pat on the back forthcoming...).<P>But, like I've read here so many times before, I feel weary of not being loved - not feeling any compassion - sensing stagnation - fearful of continued lies and dishonesty.<P>Unequivocally, I tell you all I love my wife - I love my family as a whole - and I want my marriage to work! But how do you all find the strength to put up with not feeling wanted? Feeling like you're not going anywhere, like the WS isn't really trying? Days like this I feel like this affair will not die a natural death and I'm simply spinning my wheels - delaying the inevitable...<P>My WS has a two day retreat planned for next week - she hasn't done this since she went away last time and returned, asking to give us another chance (oh, hope, oh hope...). I was thinking of writing her a letter to take with her to read, but of course I'm so careful these days to avoid LB'ing. The letter has been written already and mostly tells her that I love her, that I want our marriage to work - that I hope she'll love me and feel safe in being honest with me - simple and non-confrontational.<P>What do you all think? I feel like I'm just hanging on these days....

Spirit, we are here for you. This entire board. Out of all the people I have confided in or talked to (including the counselor), NONE are as helpful and give such good advice as the wonderful people on this site that are going through the same thing. Just keep posting, it really helps!<P>Hang in there. Plan A - give her the love letter, it can't hurt! Will it help? Maybe, but it can't make things worse!

spiritfilled - you asked, "How do we continue when we feel like we're doing this alone?"<P>A simple answer is that you find the strength in your love for your wife, in your faith, in your convictions, and in your personal integrity. You're making an emotional investment for a potentialy huge happiness profit.<P>The reason you feel like you're doing it alone is because, right now, you ARE doing it alone.<P>At least your wife seems to be thinking, so be thankful for that.<P>Regarding your practical question about writing a letter, this could be useful to explain your vision. I wrote a Plan A letter along the lines of a Plan B letter, without the Plan B punch line. Here it is:<P>Dear <Wife>,<P>We don't get many chances to talk, so I'll write this instead.<P>As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing your affair with <OM> is continuing. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with <OM> possible. <P>I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to open your mind and see the changes for yourself. <Son> and I are closer than ever and I acknowledge that I did not always show him the respect he deserved. He has told me he loves me more than ever before. I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I am soon starting with a therapist to explore other aspects I can work on. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual, I am strong and well along in my recovery. My life goes on.<P>During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to Erek to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.<P><Son> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when of if you decide to end your affair. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.<P>Whenever you are ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen. I loved you when I married you and I love you to this day. I am willing to do whatever it takes to put our family back together. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage so that we meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new relationship in which everything we do makes all three of us happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. <P>I am here for you and I love you,<BR>Me<P>spiritfilled, now, the qualifier: we are still separated, so this hasn't yet worked for me, but she hasn't filed for divorce yet, either.<P>Good Luck,<BR>WAT

Thanks for the support!<P>WAT - what a terriffic letter! It saddens me that your spouse hasn't come back despite seeing your heart-felt feelings. But thank you for allowing me to see your words - they give me ideas and I'm inspired by your hope.<P>All the best -

The simple fact is - and it's important to remember this - is that YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS ALONE. Yes, it's you doing all the 'work' at the moment, but the inspiration to do that work is coming from all sorts of places: Family, Friends, MB boards, Spiritual Beliefs, Angels, etc.,<P>Think about it - you are NOT alone.<P>Peace, Paint.<P>

hi spirit,<P>The only thing I can offer is analogous to you running a marathon. How do you get to the end?? You focus on the ultimate goal, the finish line...each mile a step in the process. The stumbling blocks and setbacks are mere cramps along the way. How you finish is up to you...but that's not necessarily to say that you're going to win, only that you'll finish. You'll determine how you'll feel about your performance.<P>dd