Thanks for all your help so far - this is what I've now come up with - more advice and comments please!<P>(This is my planned reply if he comes back from vacation and tells me that he is going to see the OW again)<P>"I understand that you need to do this, I also value your friendship a great deal, and although I am hurt very much by your decision, I believe that it is important to try and continue as friends for the sake of ourselves and our children. However, I will continue to be honest with you, and you need to know that I will re-assess the situation if I find it is causing me too much pain"<P><BR>I've also got this one - for if (perish the thought), he also drops the 'divorce' bombshell on me:<P>"I understand your reasons for wanting a divorce, however I also know that you care very much about me. I have been through a lot of pain and hurt already and I am still trying to deal with that. I do not feel either physically or emotionally ready to deal with a divorce right now, and would ask for your understanding and patience in waiting until I feel ready to cope with this" <P>I haven't mentioned anything about still being committed to the marriage as a) he's not listening anyway, and b) I don't quite know how to fit it in. If I mention wanting to work on the marriage, then he will think I am using my emotional condition as a delaying tactic (which I am, sort of), and this would be enough of a LB to make him even more determined to divorce me.<P>Thankyou again,<BR>Paint.<BR>

Paint - do you really understand his reasons for seeing OW/wanting a divorce, or are you just placating him? If you feel that you have caused problems in the marriage, consider saying this up front, stating your realization that you know what you did to contribute to the problems and specifically describing what you're doing about it. This does NOT mean he is innocent, and in NO WAY way justifies the affair, but you need to offer an olive branch in this phase. This is Plan A - acknowledging your role and taking steps to improve.<P>WAT

Paint, do me a favor. Write a plan B letter. Just do it. You don't have to give it to him, but after writing it and getting out your feelings, you may just decide, hey, I can do this. And you know what, most of what's in there can also be used in a response to your H (if you stay with plan A) regardless of what he comes back and tells you, so it will help both ways!<P>I feel for you about your reply to the divorce, but as so many people told me - it won't make your H want you. It will make you seem needy and won't have the effect you need. Yeah, maybe he'll hold off for a while, but at what cost? I think a better approach would be to take what you will out of the aforementioned plan B letter (sort of change it into a plan A loveletter by taking out the no-contact stuff) and give him that.<P>Take control. It's what you need to do. The reason you feel like this and like you could not handle a divorce is because he is putting you through hell and YOU ARE WAITING FOR HIM TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO! You need to put him on the edge, make HIM wonder what you will do.<P>Oh Paint, it will be so hard, but you CAN do it, you can! You know what happened to me? I have no friends or family around either and God graced me by sending a savior my way who has become a wonderful friend to me and my kids. She is there for me and is helping me more than can be believed. It allowed me to stay in my house and have someone to take care of the kids while I work. <P>Something good like this will happen to you to - just try to help it along and maybe it will be sooner than later??<P>We are here, Paint. <<hugs>>

WAT - I do understand WHY he's doing this, what emotions he is feeling - and I do feel empathy for him. But, you are right in that, no, I still don't understand HOW he could do this to us. Back to the drawing board...<P>HurtbyHubby - I felt in control when I said to him a few weeks ago that "I am not going to leave the house, I am not going to file for divorce, I am not going to go back to England"...but it seems to have turned on it's head doesn't it? Because in effect, I've put the decision whether to file for divorce or not straight into his hands. When I said it, I was thinking about the divorce rules back in England - over there if one partner refuses to agree to a divorce then you have to wait until you are separated for 2 years before filing again - if the partner still refuses, then you have to wait for 5 years, after that time you can get a divorce even though your partner is still refusing. I thought I had control - because he wouldn't be able to divorce me if I disagreed to it. Unfortunately, the laws are different in the State we live in over here. I just don't want him to do anything rash - he's still deep, deep in the fog and I guess I'm just desperate to try and stop him making any more rash decisions. <P>At the moment, he has separated our joint bank accounts into separate ones - he is giving me the majority of his paycheck each month, because I have bigger bills etc., with the house than he does in his apartment...but because I am having to get used to living on a budget, I cannot afford either to see a lawyer, or to get a counselling session with Steve. I've gleaned what I can from the internet - but I'm a bit 'stuck' otherwise. The one thing that reassures me is that I know that he DOES care about me deeply - and one of his biggest fears is having to look after our children, so he is not likely to do anything that might render me incapable (financially, physically, mentally) of looking after them. <P>A Plan B letter....Yes, I'll have a go at writing one...at least then I will be prepared for everything!<P>Looking back at my planned 'reactions' - I can see now that they are just too complicated - I'll never remember my lines! Back to the drawing board again, for something simpler and to the point.<P>Thanks guys - your input and advice is wonderful, and very welcomed,<P>hugs, Paint.

Paintbox<BR>I like your first reply about remaining friends but it seems a little business like for plan A. Can you soften it up somehow.? Think back to the things about you he fell in love with when you guys were first together. Can you let these shine through?I agree with worthatry about taking some responsibility for his A. One of the things that sticks out in my mind after talking to Steve Harley was that he said "You will feel like a doormat." So I always remember that when I'm trying to be extra nice to my WH and although it isn't fair, it may soften his heart towards you.<BR>I'll bet they have fewer divorces in England!