I thought I would fix this to make it easier to read.<BR>Hi, I am new here and I have read alot of good things on this sight. It has help me out some knowing that i am not alone in the feeling I am having. I have not read or seen anything regarding my situation so I am going to say what has happened to see what other people think. <P>My wife's A started in the beginning of 2000. She worked long hours and she had a guy come into the store and started paying attention to her. She tryed to fight it in the beginning but finally gave into his advances. He wanted a PA from the beginning but she was able at that time to keep it at an EA. Because they talked to each other 5 to 6 times a day she fell in love with him. She would always tell me that they were just good friends. <P>Well to try and make a long story short. The OM had a girlfriend. He was using my W to cheast on her. They (OM and gielfriend) broke up but then on Easter they got back together. Since my W was unwilling to share him with her, she started to bring things to an end. <P>She started sharing thing with me about the A. I found out that she had sex with him 3 times. Once in our anniversary month and twice before Christmas (we are going to counsoling and he said that the timing really did not mean anything). I found out that they were seeing each other once or twice a week. Either at his house, at her work or they would go to another town. I found out that she cosigned a loan for him, she paid his rent, cable and phone bills, she even gave him money to buy a car and this was after he stuck her with a $1000 cell phone bill. In letters that he wrote to her he said he would be taking a life time to pay her back. <P>She went to a lawyer and he drew up a promissory note for him to sign, the amount she spent on him is over $10,000.00. Most of this being on Credit Cards (I always question what the charges were for but she always came up with an answer, why at that time would I think she was lying). (He quite work to go to school full time and she ended up taking care of him.) So far he has refused to sign. He says those things were given as gifts. My W has been argueing with him that he owes her that money. The last time they talked which was yesterday he told her again that he had no intention of hurting our marriage and that all he wanted was a relationship with my W. <P>While I feel my wife feelings for this man has changed she still has to talk to him about this money issue plus she is still asking him why he went back to his girlfriend. She has apologized to me and has told me that she would never let it happen again. I am still very hurt and when I feel like I may be getting somewhere he calls and all the hurt feelings come rushing back. <P>She has called herself stupid for letting him use her and our money and she has told me that if he does not sign the note that she will sue him for the money. I am sorry for this being so long I have been in pain for so long. I always knew about the phone calls, I just did not know about anything else. It was always done while I was at work. I hope I have explained thing well enough and I apologize again for the length of this letter. I love my W very much and she has told me that she thinks she had the A because of the thrill. I have always taken care of her and will continue to do so.<BR>Thank you for any input you might have.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by jpfour (edited June 10, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by jpfour (edited June 10, 2001).]

Welcome to MB...you've come to the right place. Just one note that was told to me as well when I joined. Make paragraphs in your posts...it is much easier to read.<P>Is she fully committed to working on the marriage now? I gather that she is. It would be good if both of you could get Surviving an Affair (SAA) and His Needs/Her Needs (HN/HN) from this site. Sounds like you can work together at fixing your marriage, unlike many of us whose spouses are still out on their own involved in the A.<P>Depending on your financial situation, I'd ask yourself if the money is important enough to warrant a potentially long battle that could end up costing money anyway. Because the optimum solution for your marriage is NO CONTACT with this OM. That would help you two in beginning a recovery.<P>If you haven't already, read about Plan A, ENs, LBs, and all the articles of how to make a marriage work.<P>The Just Found Out forum has a post from NSR that points you to all the good stuff. Maybe you've seen it already.<P>Good luck and let us know how it is going.<P><BR>

Rick has given you some good advice. <P>The legal battles re:the money may cost even more and be long a drawn out, so that is something to consider.<P>Read the books recommended, together with your W who does sound like she's committed to rebuilding. <P>No contact with OM is important and perhaps you should change your phone number.<P>

Sorry for the paragraph thing. I start typing and a lot of emotion come out and I just keep going.<P>I will think about the books, our cousoler has recommended The Five Love Lanquages which should be coming next week.<P>As far as the phone calls go. He only calls her at work and only on the weekends because that is the time he is not with his girlfriend.<P>He has always wnated to hide their relationahip and even now he does not understand why my W has told me out the A. He still does not know that I know about the sex. My W says that he would go ballestic and not sign anything if he knew that I knew about the sex. <P>My wife has even tryed to pressure him into signing by telling him that his girlfriend would find out about the A if he did not sign. He just tells her that his girlfriend would make our lifes miserable.<P>Thanks for listening.

The Five Love Languages is good too. I'd also get Light Her Fire, and Light His Fire. I really believe that if everyone were to read the books mentioned, and practise what they read, the divorce rate would go way down. So many people simply refuse to have anything to do with relationship books.<P>So if you two are in counselling, and willing to read and learn, then that is great.<P>My own personal opinion, as I've already mentioned, is to cut your losses, get your wife to write a no contact letter to OM, forget about the money, and work on your marriage. I also think your wife should tell him that you know about the affair, and that you are working on rebuilding the marriage, and then no contact with him. Let him and his girlfriend live their phoney lives together.<P>Since this guy is saying he is not signing, and the money is a gift, how much you'd get back even if you sued and won is questionable. Have you talked to a lawyer? To me, it just sounds like it isn't worth it. You may not win if you sued, and it may cost you money. So to me, it just sounds like something you should chalk up to being a mistake, and get on with life. But that is just my opinion.<P>Is your wife still seeing this guy, or is the only contact just about the money?<P>Do you have any kids?<P>

We have been married for 20 years. We have two boys 17 and 15. The 17 year old just graduated.<P>Since Easter she has only seen him once and that was the week after Easter. Since my W has stopped paying for his phone bills they have shut off his phone so she has no way that I know of to get in contact with him. He is only calling her everyother weekend so far. They fought two weekends ago about the money issue. Yesterday they talked about the money issue and about the A. They also talked about what his girlfriend would do if she found out. My W told me that he tried to tell her that he missed her but she said that she told him that she could not go there and that she could not handle that part any longer.<P>He has told her he wants an itemized list of the items that she is asking repayment for. We have the CC entries but she was not sure of the rest because it was cash. She told me she is not sure she wants to remember because she feels bad enough as it is.<P>I am a little afraid that he will use this to keep in contact. I am also a little afraid he will default on his loan which would make us responsible. I have told my W my fears and I have asked her for reassurance that she will not let him sweet talk her into anything. She told me that it would never happen. Most of me believes but the doubt still remains. We are both trying. She is telling me what is going on and I am trying to keep the doubt out.<P>Thanks