Wife is still seeing OM,took my son to meet him this weekend.We had a big fight about paying the bills,I started putting my paycheck in my own acc.she freaked out and threatened to go to a lawyer and get a D so the court would tell me what I had to pay.She blames me and my "abuse"of her for the A.We talked and by the time she left for her trip I got a hug and a kiss.Go figure.She is making me crazy.How do you guys do this?<BR> <BR> Need To Know

I've been there.... now there again...yes again....it's all love and prayer.<P>I too neglected my W and she found OM to fill those voids. It's hurts...I know.... hang in there and pray for strength and love and guidance... you can do it....Plan A does work... but you can't do it alone.... lean to God.... He is a GREAT help in all this....<P>My prayers are with you.....

You ride this roller coaster with a tight grip! You can close your eyes once in a while, but only briefly lest you are completely surprised by the next dip, turn or loop!<BR>You might be daring and put your hands up in the air when you're plummeting downhill, but grab hold of that bar again for the climb up.<BR>OK - being silly here - but it really is a hell of a ride isn't it?? This is a place where we can genuinely share our feelings and be able to say "I know what you're going through" and really mean it.

Sounds like it is time for plan B.<P>As far as custody of the kids ... that will be a tough issue. But you must, while your love for her is still there, put her in the position of making a choice.<P>Won't be easy, but that is the route Dr. Harley prescribes.<P>As far as her taking the your son to meet the OM: that was extremely wrongful behavior on her part; the message she is imparting is an unhealthy one. I would make that an issue to discuss with her pronto.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Keep posting, that's the best advice I can give. Vent, vent, and vent some more - just don't do it to her.<P>I haven't been following your posts, so can't say for sure if it's time for plan B, but SeenTheLight may be right. Seriously consider it. Can you secretly talk to a lawyer now (it's free for the first visit usually) and just find out where you would stand if you did go to plan B. Make her leave if you do. Knowledge is key. Don't get hit off-guard. It can't hurt to get more info...<P>As for the rollercoaster, take a deep breath, hold on, and scream on the way down and put your hands up on the way up. It sucks, we're all going through it. We deal because we have to. MB and God helps me through it. Find what helps you and embrace it whenever you need help.

It's 2:20 am,all I can think of is what did I do to dersive all of this pain.I'm home alone and my wife is in the arms of another man with my son in the next room.My daughter is at a slumber party.I'm so alone.I'm so glad you guys are out there.I need to talk to a consuler,but I don't know what kind or how to find one.Got any suggestions?I'll be up for a wile I can't sleep.<P> NTK<P>------------------<BR>

NTK -<P>Hang in there and be at peace with yourself. I remember Dday for me and WS - after the confrontation and arguing, she left and spent the night with him! Worst night alone of my life...<P>Talking with people is what saved my life thru all this. First, please beleive that you do not "deserve" the pain you are feeling. We all make mistakes and we all make choices - that is Gods free will for us. Nothing you could have done can ever justify her betrayal of you and your wedding vows. Their own hurt allows them to have a revisionists perspective on the past, but the bottom line is that adultery is an unacceptable solution to a perceived problem. Share the blame and begin to see yourself thru her eyes - it's the first step to truely coming to terms with your own strength and beauty. Then, you will feel love and importance - not necessarily from her, but (more importantly) within yourself.<P>Counseling is an excellent decision, particularly a spiritual one for yourself if you have faith in God - and for me who didn't, this was an excellent time to start! Prior to this, I thought very little about the usefullness of counseling - now I can't imagine I would have survived without one.<P>You have all of our support and care - keep posting! I pray for Gods grace and blessing for you.

Thank ypu for the kind words,the pain this morrning was real bad when I remmeberd it's FATHERSDAY.I'm just getting going on the day so I guess it's going to be a long one.My daughter should be home by 10 or 11 I hope.<P>thanks NTK

You Silly!! Next week is Father's Day! You want the week to go by that quick, do you??<P>

NTK,<P>Am I right that this entire thing started as her needing to "experience" this but that she really does not want to leave you?<P>I do not recall from your other posts, but have you told your wife very clearly of the pain she is causing you? I do not recall you saying that you'd done that. Perhaps you could put your pain into a letter and give it to her. I've always felt that it is important for a person to tell another how they feel very clearly. If done right it is not a Lovebuster if done calmly. Remember radical honesty is very important.<P>You may have already done this. <P>I am so sorry for the pain she is causing you. Do know that you do not deserve this .. no one does. When I found out about my husband's affairs (SeenTheLight) I had the very same thought several times. I felt that this was my punishment for everything I'd ever done wrong to another person. Like one big zap of lightening payback.<P>Right now you need to be there for your children. I am sure that they are very confused. I cannot even believe that your wife is introducing them to this man when she barely knows him herself. This must be tearing them up inside. So spend some time with them discussing all this. They need you insight, guidance and love through this.<P>And remember, next Sunday when it is Fathers’ Day, you still are a father and still have your children’s love. Make sure you have them with you that day. It is your day with them.<P>Do you have any friends or family who you can gather around you for support. I think it is not good for you to be alone today.<P>Wish there was something “real” I could do to help you. A virtual hug will have to do…. <BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Dear Z&HBH it's a good thing I don't drink any more or it would be fathers day on sat.Thanks for the hug it feels good,so does the fact that I now know what day it is.LOL.<BR> She knows how I feel and says if I keep telling her she'll have to leave with the kids,I'm driving her nuts.(BIG LB)Problem is we have to live in the same house,but we are working on that.We have two homes on the ranch so we can each live in one.She now wants to rent one out so we might be back to square one.One day at a time.<P><BR> Thanks again NTK

NTK--<P>I've been riding for about 7 wks. It is filled with highs and lows. The trick is to not count on the 'highs' lasting, but then neither do the lows...keeping an even keel helps.<P>I went on an anti-depressant and that helped me tremendously. Posting here has helped me tremendously. Reading the Harleys' books have helped me tremendously. As for counselors, we are seeing a marital counselor (not very helpful...but he still wants to go each week) and I have called the MB counseling center and have an appt. Thursday.<P>Learn all you can about plan A. Don't precipitate plan B until you are sure you have done a very good plan A for a good amount of time...something I had to learn the hard way...don't go to plan b until you are very, very sure and have had some good counsel about it.<P>Lastly, you will find that you are stronger than you think. You are looking for answers. You found this site.<BR>You are a survivor.<P>AKA 'InShockinCali'<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

Stronger I know what you mean on plan B too soon,I almost blew the whole thing.Let me know what you think after your thurs. appt.I commute 100 mi. to work,but now stay in that area during the week.I used to do it every day.for like 12 years,So i'm having trouble finding time and location of a good consuler.Thanks for the post.<P> NTK<BR>