Tiredoftrying, the lack of intimacy I experienced with W was something that happened 6 years ago when things were started to disintegrate. I can remember at that point, I felt unwanted unloved rejected lonely and etc, I had tried then many times in different subtle ways for her to want and desire me but it didn’t seem to work. Even confronted her a few times, she always said she will change but things didn’t change. I grew accustomed to it and accepted that I was no longer a H but merely a provider in the family. Sex seemed really like a chore to her. But that was a long time ago. Now it’s the other way around, I do not want or desire her in any way at all. I did try once a few weeks ago and it was very painful for me to do so, I kept imagining OW but when I open my eyes I see W. The fact that she wants me embarrasses me as if she was my sister and made me very uncomfortable. For her it must’ve been like making love to a dead person (which is what I feel now anyways) but it’s the truth, I can’t even hold her hand or just hug her willingly. <P>Bell, how is it her only intention was to break up my M? If she didn’t support me in my decision to work on my M, I think I will still be in contact with her. I don’t do so cause I know it’ll hurt her more than me to keep her hanging. Even so, I couldn’t let go of her completely, my parting words were that I feel we will be together one day. She only asked me to stay once but when I told her I needed to do this for me, she never pushed it further. In some ways that hurt me. My friends had to stop me from calling her because they said it will only harm her and drag her down with me. There were no ulterior motives for her, she is young, beautiful, great career, smart, great personality, funny – it’s easy for anyone to love her. Her character in certain aspects are very similar to mine and in others complements mine. I accept that she has flaws too but I love her despite it all. Well enough about OW. My W, she is a great person too, an extremely good mother, kind and caring but serious, too level and strong headed at times etc. She has tried to change quite significantly though and it’s scary, like who is this person. Anyway Bell I have emailed you to find out more of ur theories. Look forward for a reply.<BR>

Pain:<P>Think about this - last nite I held my sobbing kids who simply want their father to come back home (as he has many times) and want their family together and don't understand why daddy doesn't want to live with us anymore. My oldest said he didn't think he was going to have kids cause he didn't want to put them thru a divorce, this is a 6 1/2 year old!!!! Is YOUR happiness more important? Is the OW more important? <P>The greatest gift you can give your kids to to love their mother. Give up the fantasy of the OW or leave and go to her. You seem to come here and simply DWELL on her, not worry about your W. You need to start DOING something for your marriage even when you don't want to and don't feel like it - your heart will follow. If you aren't willing to do that, then quit leading your W on!!!!

pain,<P>If the OW truly cared about your marriage, she wouldn't be smack dab in the middle of it.<P>Period.<P>People put themselves where they want to be - where they are "positioned" for success. <P>When I was in college, I had a really nice guy ask me out. I was a sophomore, he was a freshman, so we were 19 and 20, respectively. I went out to dinner with him and we talked - I really liked him! Next day, he phones me, and there's a baby crying in the background. Yup, he's married. And he has a kid to boot. His marriage is bad, he confesses ... can we live together? (What a joke!)<P>What did I do? I never, *ever* spoke to him again or saw him again. Because I cared about his marriage and his child. Had I just been in it for myself, I would have ruthlessly pursued him by allowing him to move in with me. But I was not in it for me. Doing what's right overrode every other emotion I had.<P>Did you read the thread "keep the faith?" Remember, emotions are liars. Just because it feels good, doesn't mean it *is* good.<P>belld

Pain:<P>I know what you mean when you say you imagine the OP when having sex with your W. Sometimes that is the only way I can get through it. I know it is wrong, but I can't keep him out of my mind. I do go ahead and have sex with my H, I feel he needs it, needs the contact with me. I can't tell him no, and in fact I usually have to start it. Maybe that is a sign that he really doesn't want to do it either?<P>I just keep trying, but really in the back of my mind I am hoping one day he will just give up and let me go. Would I go back to the OP? I don't know. Probably not. But at least maybe then I could be happy with someone and no go through the next 20 or 30 years with this being thrown in my face every time we have a disagreement about something. I get so tired of that. He blames my EA for everything that has ever went wrong in our marriage, when in reality our marriage was basically over way before the EA.