Hopefully those of you reading this will have read my previous post about the object of my H's desire "My H in Fantasy Land." I became aware last fall of this woman's existance and my H's feelings for her, but at that time I didn't totally grasp the intensity or destructive nature of his emotions. I had no idea it was this bad.<P>I am tempted to take the sketchbook and pictures I found and go meet her after she gets off work...show her and tell her in person how messed up my H is over her, and ask her to PLEASE avoid him as much as possible until she finds a new job, if she is in fact looking. My H admitted to me that he told her about discovering my affair! That's the last thing I need is him confiding in HER!!! (he claims he has told no one in his family, and he doesn't really have any good friends to speak of, so I don't think anyone else knows about it).<P>I was thinking maybe if she realizes how over the top my H is, she will quit having lunch with him, etc. I don't know what to do...am I thinking irrationally? I don't want a "confrontational" meeting with her, I just want to make sure she knows what's going on.<P>Help, help, help!!!<P>Calla

Hi Calla, <P>as from my experience, talking to OW can't be of help. Unless he's deepely infatuated and it's not mutual, which I doubt, according to what you say. <P>I did it, three times, and it turned out a nightmare. Representing herself as his friend, who just wanted to help him overcome some of his personal issues, she did her best to become my friend too, and enter our lives. Of course, for his benefit, to help me streighten him up. Right... <P>When she was positive I no more see her as threat, she stroke back and said now I want him, f**k you and your D's feelings.... <P>I guess you have some clue how your OW may react, or what to expect from her, but this definitely rang the alarm bell for me. I am very honest person, and prefer honesty above all, so I took that, for me, a natural approach. Just, I overlooked that not everyone is like me. <P>Just my two cents, maybe this is not your case at all, but I would be sorry if this happens to you too. <P>Keep posting, <P>Adrian

It may be useful for you to talk to her. But don't expect much. There are one of two things going on here..<P>1) She has no real clue that she is involved in an EA with your H and will back off when you explain things to her.<P>2) She knows exactly what is going on and wants your husband. <P>If it is #1 then talking to her might get her to back off. If it is #2 it will only serve to drive them closer together. In either case you will probably not know the truth. She will probably tell you that nothing is going on in either case. There is the outside chance that she will admit things to you that your husband has not admitted to you. But again that is an outside chance. If she is having an affair with your husband she probably has the same justification most OP have.. she owes you nothing.<P>I think that showing her all the stuff would be a really bad idea. It will only strengthn her beliefe that she is his only true love. Does she know? Even if they are not involved in a PA at this time, they are in a EA. The very fact that she would allow a married man to photograph her and then display the photos at work tell me that she knows exactly what is going on. These are very personal things.<P>Do you now why she is looking for another job? <P>Your issues are with your husband and not the OW. If you engage her she will feel that she has the same rights as you, that she is equal to you. She is not.<P>Have you read the book "Surviving an Affair"? If not then do so, it is the place to start. Then read all the material on this web site. Your husband is having at least an EA. <P>Good luck and ((((((((hugs)))))))))<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Calla,<P>I've been following your threads and I think you take a bigger risk approaching her. I offer one more possibility...you show her everything and it turns from no desire to flattery and progresses from there.<P>I see the upside...but don't think it's worth risking unless you KNOW what her reaction will be.<P>dd

Calla30, <P>DO NOT TALK TO THE OW! Although I was tempted many times, I was cautious. I held back because you never know what to expect. In the long run, even if divorce comes, I am confident that my decision to be a "wall flower" in this case will pay off.<P>If my H ever sees me as the safe and sane person he left behind, I will be glad I left the affair to run its course.<BR>Yes, my h is divorcing me and it is inevitable. I can't stop the legal paper divorce. I am trying to minimize the emotional divorce. Nevertheless, I am devastated.<P>I keep telling myself that he left and drove me to protect my children and me financially, morally, emotionally, and physically.<P>See my reply in your other post.<P>Leave ow alone...elo<P>elo

Calla,<BR>I was the OW and when the wife talked to me it only served to push her H and I closer together. Of course, this infuriated her and she resorted in sending nasty threatening letters to my H. The reaction she was expecting didn't happen. My H didn't throw me out, but loved me all the more. He was using Plan A. Her H proceeded to divorce her and her children thought she had gone off the deep end. Durin the time the A was going on,<BR>I really had no sympathy for her. And all the things that her H, the OM, told me about her, I believed especially after receiving the letters. My H and I gave him copies that he used against her during their divorce proceedings.<BR>It was horrible. Now that the affair is completely over, and my H and I are recovering, I feel so terrible for causing her so much hurt and pain. <P>So from my perspective, talking to the OW during the A, will probably serve no purpose and most likely won't result in the actions you desire.<P>But this is only my thoughts as an OW.<P>dlm

Hi Calla<P>I’m sorry to here about your situation. It seems to me that this ”OW” in your situation doesn’t feel the same way for your H as he thinks he does for her. I’m an OW trying to become an XOW (different story). I wanted to write this because I have experience in talking to his W. We have talked on the phone a couple of times. It was not pleasant but we wore both very civil to one another. The first time she called me and I totally froze but I was honest with her. I tried to slide away when she asked specific Q and said ”I think you should ask your H about that” but she said - No I’m asking you. So I answered her truthfully. It was not pleasant but at least it was honest. She wanted to meet me in person but I didn’t have the nerve. I called her once too when I was freaked out and we had a pretty good talk (considering the circumstances) . Mostly we wore both hurt and confused and wanted to have all the ”why” answers. I’m saying this because It might be a good thing to contact the OW. Not all of us are that bad and not all of us would lie when we are asked direct questions. But then again you will never know until you face the situation - her on the other line.<P>However I also tent to agree with Zorweb when she said:<P>It may be useful for you to talk to her. But don't expect much. There are one of two things going on here..<BR>1) She has no real clue that she is involved in an EA with your H and will back off when you explain things to her.<BR>2) She knows exactly what is going on and wants your husband.<P>You never really know until you talked to her. I think that you really should thinks this through. I don’t think she would be planning a marriage with her boyfriend If there was something serious going on between her and your H.<P>There is one more thing. I know that there are many people that don’t believe in friendships between men and women specially if one of them is married. But there are people that do. May that be naive or not but a lot of people don’t think that there isn’t anything wrong with that. If she really likes your H she might feel bad about his feelings for her and that she doesn’t feel the same for him. She might think that she is actually helping him by being nice and supportive not realizing that she is only making it worse. Anyway just some thoughts.<P>Good luck<BR>

I had two long phone conversations with OW shortly after DDay, after which she changed her phone number because she couldn't handle it.<BR>Our conversations were enlightening to each other and we both realized we were two wonderful people. We were both crying on the phone with each other, and always said kind words to each other. (Odd, I know, but I think she realized exactly what she had done when she talked to an actual, nice person instead of hearing about the awful shrew from my H.)<BR> She is a young widow with two small kids and she and my H truly felt they had fallen in love. I think she got lost in the need to be needed etc etc. well, they both did didn't they?<BR>They have not spoken to each other in over a year now, but my H still cannot tell me he loves me, even though we have a good relationship now in many aspects.<P>So, while these talks actually went well and I actually found her to be very open and honest with me, I know my H felt I was trying to sabotage things for him. She and I quite liked each other and in another circumstance could be friends. She, as I said "couldn't take it" anymore because even though she felt she could help my H and I, well, the confict of interest was just too great. She was in too deep, had deep feelings of love for my H, felt guilty, had alienated her whole family in order to go see him, and had put a lot on the line for him. She was feeling pretty betrayed too.<BR>Okay - well, this is certainly long, thanks for allowing me to 'get this off my chest'. But that's my story. I'm glad I spoke with her, but I'm glad it stopped altogether because I'm sure if we had continued contact the focus would have stayed on her and not on my H and I working things out.<P>