Hi<P>I wasn’t sure If I could show my face here again. After all the support and words I have received here I fell right back in the ”dirt” once again. After all the ”hiding in the bathroom” and avoiding his calls for 15 days I fell for the temptation today. He called and I let him in. So now I’m back to square one. Day 1 begins again tomorrow. Bloody day 1 all over again trying brake this off. When will this ever end?????.<P>I feel like I have disappointed everyone including myself and I wasn’t sure if I should write this or not, somehow I thought that I owed it to you not to pretend and not to lie about not having any contact with him - <BR>I don’t know, right now I don’t know very much - I just feel like crap.<P>Sorry for being such a disappointment - I really thought I had it under control. Obviously I have to work harder - much harder.<BR>

You know, I know and the rest of us know how difficult 'withdrawal' is. You are only human, with very real, very human emotions (and that's a good thing). The important thing to remember right now is that you KNOW it was a mistake and you are ready and prepared to start again from Day 1. As long as you take 2 steps forward for every step back, you will get there in the end. <P>((((hugs)))), Paint.

Humble,<P>This time day 1 should be easier, you've had some experience. Have you considered giving him a no-contact letter? The problem with the way you are handling this is that it is giving him mixed messages. Without a clear statement that it is over and that you do not want to see him again, you are leaving the door open.<P>So here is a potential format for your letter, please anyone feel free to jump in and help edit this: {yes I stole it from tooweek's thread)<P>""XXXX, <P>I want you to know that out of respect for your wife and and myself, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that your wife did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay your wife for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become a person I can respect again and not add further to the hurt. I care a great deal for your wife and I would not want to do anything to risk her happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.<P>Sincerely, <BR>XXXXX ""<P><BR>Good Luck<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

It’s like alcoholism. You can’t have “just one drink.”<P>You know you can go 15 days. One day at a time.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Well Chris - you are so right, I know because I’m having my ”emotional hangover” right now. <P><BR>Paintbox <P>Thanks for your words and the hug . Yes it was a mistake and I will be starting over again tomorrow. I guess I’m a classic ” 2 steps forward for every step back” but I believe you when you say that I will get there in the end. That is what I want.<P>Zorweb<P>Well I know about the ”no-contact” letter. But I always thought about it as a bit childish. I naively thought that we are 2 adults we can brake this of without putting it in writing...etc...etc.... Well I might have to rethink that. Obviously this way is not working so a letter might be a very good option. To be honest I think after having been thinking a LOT today - that I perhaps had one small ”backdoor” open even though I tried to convince myself that I didn’t. Letting go is so damn hard to do and I think I fooled myself consciously or not that there was still a chance - somewhere somehow. I have to close ALL the doors. Writing that letter is very final, I think I wanted to avoid it - the finality of it all. I guess I was fooling myself, with him calling all the time and showing up I think I slipped in to the ”He really loves me and cares about me - rollecoaster” - I just lost track. <BR>I guess I’m a slow learner.<P>Anyway thanks for letting me vent here and for your support. It really helps reading all posts here. They keep me on the right track specially on those days when you just want to .......you know!<P>Take care!<BR>

Hi HumbleFish-<BR>I almost never post here anymore, but I felt a connection to the last several posts that you have made. I can relate to your struggle. Yup, I said struggle, 'cause it is one of the most difficult things to overcome. I am a WS (am/was...whatever). I was one of the most stubborn people on these boards. When I was posting here regularly, I made a lot of people very angry, but at the same time...I got an abundance of support. Don't leave if you are getting the support that you need. Just remember that all of those words did not fall in the dirt, they are quite apparently still fresh in your mind. All of us here have been right where you are at( obviously), maybe on the other side of the fence but in the same neighborhood. It is extremely difficult to let go of things that feel good. Being loved, being held, feeling needed and desirable. All very good and comfortable feelings. But after you've been with him, you feel emptiness, guilt, and self resentment. I was constantly breaking away from my OW, only to return several days, maybe even a few weeks later. We worked together, and had to have constant phone contact. I would be listening to her when I would feel "those feelings" again, and I would slip and say that I missed her, or that I loved her. It would begin again, and I would feel like crud. I will admit, that sometimes it was almost a pattern. Break it off, then begin again, etc. etc. etc. The pattern is a hard one to get out of. Write your no contact letter while you are feeling "clear". I always felt as though I would be taking something away from myself, and thus, didn't want to write it. The truth of the matter is, I never did write a real no contact letter. What I wrote was indeed closer to a love letter that aluded to the tragedy of our parting, and how I would always love her, but that we needed to be apart. Of course, this wasn't condusive to our ending the affair. I would be feeling guilt, about our relationship, and then would need comfort for my pain, and just like the alcoholic that reaches once again for the bottle to ease his pain, I would reach for her. Like CHRISCA123 said, you can't have, "just one more drink". Once again, the guilt starts, the pain, and then the need to comfort your pain. What a godawful cycle. Stay focused, remember what it is that you are trying to accomplish, and put the blinders on. Remember his wife, remember that you are not something to be used for his pleasure. Good luck,and keep trying. When you fall, try again, and again, and again, and again......<BR>We will continue to help you up. We will never let you face this alone. We will always be here for you. You are among people who truly and completely understand your position.<BR>Arik

Humblefish:<BR>You must stop feeling compassion for a man that will not commit to you! He is still with his wife, by his own choosing (I believe) and that is where he wants to be. Obviously he likes having the connection to you too but it is not fair to you. When he leaves you, he goes home to a wife and kids and back yard, sofa and maybe a beer with his home cooked meal. You, on the other hand, are left alone to wallow in your guilt. I guarantee you that he does not think of you when he is with his family and things are going great. Just the same way that he does not think of his family when he is with you. <P>You deserve someone who can commit to you and be happy to be with just you. How often do you and your married lover go out in public? (That was the big kicker for me and my husband affair with a coworker, he never once took her out in public - because he was ashamed of their relationship) Is that where your married lover is - ashamed of his relationship with you but okay with having sex with you once a week when he can get away.<P>Let him go, change your phone number, change jobs if you have too, move if necessary but leave this undecided (have my cake and eat it too) person behind you. Find someone who will shout from the rooftops that he loves you, someone who will take you out to nice restaurants and shows and shower you with obvious and attention and love - you deserve that. <P>He obviously has problems (and they are his not his wife's) and if he was truly unhappy being married he would be divorced. (People get separated and divorced everyday, with kids, without kids).<P>Tell yourself this everyday, you deserve your own husband not one that someone else used up first.<BR>

To oversimplify things:<P>Remember when you fell off of your bicycle, got a bloody knee and were scared to get back on? Your parents told you to get back on the bike. You eventually learned how to ride without so many wipe outs......<BR>Get back on the bike.

First, to <B>Arik</B>,<P>Hi, it's me, new_beginning {aka Sheryl}, and guess what? I have been one of Humble's greatest supporters (or so she tells me anyway ) and guess where I learned to do that? Yep, you. Yeah, you could be a pain, but I was too harsh, and I apologize for that. It doesn't help things, does it? I hope you are well, the recovery continues, and that Nicole is being pampered and loved by you!!!<P><B>Humble</B>,<P>Yep, get back on the {bike, horse, whatever you wanna call it} and begin again. Take one day at a time -- or if it's easier, take one minute, one second at a time.<P>You can do this!<P>Yep<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Humble....you took a giant step backwards.....now take a giant step forward and keep focused on your goal. You will make it.......one minute....one hour.....one day at a time.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

HF, <P>Recognition is a step towards healing. So you slipped and took a couple steps backward. This is bad. You have recognized it and will go forward. You are here to ask for support and help. Sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. But since you are here, we are here to support you in your recovery. <P>Don`t hinder your progress by keeping yourself down. Move forward and don`t stand still. The members here are not against all who are sincere in their healing. I have seen that for myself and learned a lot. However, those who come here to hurt need to know that they will not be supported. You have not shown yourself this way. <P>Please continue to heal for the good. The rest will work itself out. <P>L.<BR>

Hope it's OK to jump in...Maybe this will help.<BR>Does anyone else know about your relationship with this man?His friends or yours? My H was "in love" with the OW until other people began to give some input into what he was doing.He realized he would NOT be able to move this woman into MY life.That she wasn't perfect,as he thought.That he was making the biggest mistake of his life.<BR>When an A exists in a bubble, you guys are carried away with the romance of it...when looked at from the outside, it is anything but romantic.<BR>10 months after D day,my H cannot bear to think of the OW as a person he thought he "loved". They used each other(she is also M) to ease some pain. His pain was mostly created in his head, he says now he really wasn't as unhappy in our M as he made himself think.BUT, and hear this, if my H were allowed to do what your MM is doing...if I had not become aware, he would probably STILL be in his fog. It was reality that forced him out.<BR>I have seen some of your other posts,don't come here too much anymore. I think you mentioned telling his W. If you are serious, THAT would certainly end it,if you mean it. Pain for her,GOD YES< but don't you think she already is...Believe me,Suspecting is alot worse than knowing.Know that he doesn't love you, if he did, he would BE with you.No one could have been more in his A than my H, and again, 10 months later, he feels sorry for OW because she is pathetic and ashamed for ever ahving anything to do with her. She is a terrible mempry for him. Is that who you want to be? Course not...do what is right...I know you're trying.Wish you well

Hi everyone and thanks for your responses.<P>I’m back on my ”bike” again and I really hate to ride it but I will. Everything you say is so true and in the back of my head I have known this a long time. Denial is a pretty strong feeling not to talk about all the justifications I have made for myself and him.<P>Arik<P>Yes your story sounds very much like mine. We don’t work at the same place though and that is a good thing. I’m still not in my right mind to write a letter, but I’m seriously thinking about it. We had long ”braking-it-off” conversations instead where we both agreed to stop seeing eachother ...etc...etc... and always parted as ”friends” like OK good luck and good-bye. It would last a week, 2 once up to a 3 weeks and then he would call again and as you said ” I (or he) would slip and say that I missed her, or that I loved her. It would begin again”...” What a godawful cycle” is exactly what it is”..... <P>I went so far as to call his brother and ask him to talk with MM and tell him to stop showing up at my door without notice. To stop calling etc... That lasted for 3 weeks then of course he called, just to see how I was doing.....One call is enough to stir up the emotions....<P>It’s somehow a comfort to read your story because I don’t feel I’m the only one struggling with this. I’m happy for you that you have managed to brake free from your mess. I hope I can too.<P><BR>mrsaxxeman and Wounded2673<P>I posted in one of my earlier threads one in (May I as an OW...) about ”who knew about our relationship and a lot about how it started etc”.....I you are interested to know more.<BR>Mostly everybody that wore close to us knew......<P>As for public places. Yes we wore out very much. We went to restaurants/movies/sat in coffee-shops for hours /took long drives to beaches/woods/parks you name it. We wore out in the public allot....<P>Anyway I don’t want to think about that today. I have to try to put him out of my mind as much as I possibly can and remembering how we are together and what we have done Is not a good thing for me to do right now. I’ll just get my mind in a loop again and start to wonder down those paths thinking about all the wonderful times and I need to be thinking about all the bad things about this.<P><BR>Thanks to everyone else aswell - I loved all the GET ON the {bike, horse, whatever you wanna call it} tips <BR>Now - where are those damn pedals on this new bike, I think I have to start my ride again......<BR>