After reading lostva's responses on another thread I started I realize that I so want to feel the way she describes. <P>My H and I were together for 19 years. The 1st 9 yrs we were together, H was a practicing alcoholic and drug addict. We went through some very rough times, but he finally got clean and sober. We grew a wonderful life together, moved to the country and started our own business, but then began slowly drifting apart, both our faults. <P>Then 3 yrs ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were both terrified and I was very preoccupied with myself and my treatments. He felt neglected and turned to OW for emotional comfort. I don't think PA started until last November, but it could have been going on longer. I know my H is a good man inside but he is currently lost to drugs, alcohol, and the A. <P>To keep him from destroying our business, I've gotten a restraining order to keep him away from the business and our home. I am following through with divorce, at Steve Harley's suggestion even, though he mentioned the possibility of beginning a new and different relationship after the D. <P>We live in a small town and the situation is so public because of our business that it's hard to imagine ever being able to rebuild. He's currently camping out in the woods with the OW because they've apparently spent all their (his) money on drugs. He is verbally abusive to me (when drinking, using drugs, or in contact with OW) and occasionally to the kids.<P>At this point, if any of my friends or family knew I was even contemplating the possibility of reconciliation in the future, after the A and after sobriety, they'd want to lock me up! Am I crazy to still think there's some hope?

I'd like to think that without HOPE we'd all be crazy.<P>Hang in there LetSTry! <added> Not necessarily with marriage, but that there is hope for your future.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>AKA: InShockinCali<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 11, 2001).]

Hon,<P>Yes, there is hope ... however, your H has a very long way to go to prove to you that he is a man worthy of your love and loyalty. He needs to clean up his act, get sober, learn how to support himself, go into intensive counseling, and essentially jump through hoops to get you back. This is a man who sounds as though he needs a lot of help just to get himself together. Right now, if he is using any kind of drug, he is an addict. Your marriage cannot and will not be fixed until he gets clean. My counselor told me that w/ respect to my own H that I should live apart from him for at least two years, during which time he did not do any illegal drugs. I made the decision to still live with my H and work with him w/ respect to his drug use, against her advice, but only because my H admitted to me that he knew that his use was becoming problematic.<P>There are a lot of issues for you to consider, L ... please continue to receive therapy from Steve. I'm going to be blunt here ... the purpose of MB is to save marriages if they can be saved. From reading the MB material and talking to Steve Harley myself, I get the impression that there are very few cases when the MB principles would fail to work. If Steve Harley advises a D, you might want to consider that this is a marriage that cannot be saved until your H shapes up and gets himself sober and gets into longterm counseling for his abusive behavior.<P>I post this only because I care. Please don't subject yourself or your children to this man - he is not the man you married anymore. Please save yourself!<P>((hugs and prayers))<P>belld

Stronger, thanks. It's just so hard to let go after almost 20 years together. Everything he does now seems so out of character from the man I thought I was married to. I know intellectually (people keep telling me!) that I'll eventually get over this. I know from experience (one of the advantages of age...) that nothing lasts forever and change is inevitable. But, right now I'm sinking deeper and deeper into despair. I think it's because, this time, I know it's really over, at least for now and for a long while. <P>belld, good to hear from you again! And thanks for the advice. Yes, I'll continue to call Steve H from time to time, as he put it, on an on-call basis. I will definitely follow through with the divorce at this point. Steve said he rarely advises this and I've done all I possibly could. He also said that I'd feel stronger relating to my H after the D if there's anything still there.<P>I'm just feeling so lonely right now. The 6 teenagers have all left. 1/2 were into drugs themselves and left with H, the other 1/2 left to live elsewhere because they could no longer take the stress. Everything is very calm and quiet now. I'm getting the house back in order. H had kicked me out and moved OW in, then kicked 3 kids out and we all stayed in a furnished cabin for 2 weeks before I got the TRO.<P>How are you doing? How is your H doing? I had no computer while I was gone and kind of lost touch...

Dear LST,<BR>No, you are not crazy - you have been married a long time and have gone through so much together!!! And, as you said,he isn't the husband you know - right now he is a different person - someone with an addiction who is not apparently ready to get the help he so needs. My opinion is that OW is just someone who supports his addiction - she is also addicted -I think that if he does wake up and realize he needs help, that she is not the one he really wants to be with. I feel so for you - it is so hard to see someone you love mess up their life and make bad choices! Yet, at same time you can't let him drag you down with him. Hang in there - let's pray he will get the help he needs - if so, I don't think you are at all crazy to hope he will want to reconcile - but you may be at a different point by then, too.<P> Hugs - I am sorry for all you are going through!<BR>s

sobelle, good to hear from you! And thanks for the support. I'm trying to go to as many Alanon meetings as I can (all 3 in this small town) and post and read here. I'm still being blamed 100% for everything that's happened by H and OW. According to my H's dad, I'm trying to take everything from my H. Well, divorce in this state is no fault and we each get 50% no matter what. He should actually be grateful that I'm preserving his assets!<P>I know I'm not saying anything new here, but it's just so hard to be treated so hatefully by someone I've considered my best friend for 19 years.

hi Letstry,<P>I'm glad to hear you are sounding OK. I have been thinking about you and following your posts. What an ordeal. I hope you are taking care of yourself though this.<P>Noone with a brain in their head would blame you... most would tell you to take him for everything hes got. One day he will see the ruins of his life and have some regrets. You are not thinking this thing with OW will last are you? They feed each others weeknesses, what a sad way to live.<P>Take care,<BR>Lora

Lora, good to hear from you too! I miss our talks. I'm glad things are going so well for you. You're an inspiration!<P>I'm glad I sound like I'm doing okay. I barely feel like I'm keeping my head above water most of the time. No,my guess would be that A will end eventually, but I don't know what that means as far as our marriage is concerned. I think that for my H, getting sober is most important, but since OW uses along with him and justifies his anger at me by telling him what a horrible person I am (while she was living here, she named one of our dogs "s##t head" because he reminded her of me), I don't think this will happen any time soon.<P>I'm continuing on with the divorce. Taking care of myself by protecting our business, going to Alanon, spending time with friends, I even started going to a gym!