(Published Sunday, April 15)<P><BR>Wife can't forgive couple who helped husband cheat <P>By ABIGAIL VAN BUREN <P><BR>DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. Two years ago, my husband had an affair. We weathered the storm; our marriage is intact. However, the aftershocks keep coming when I least expect them.<P>A couple my husband and I had befriended when we were first married are being married this fall. During my husband's affair, they covered for him and kept his affair a secret from me. In many ways, they made it easier for him to carry on without getting caught. During this time, they would have nothing to do with me. Even after I discovered the affair, neither offered me any support, and I have never received an apology.<P>Now their wedding festivities are under way, and they are starting to warm up to me again. They have asked my husband to be in the wedding.<P>He wants to throw them a big wedding party, and of course, he will want to buy them an expensive gift.<P>I grit my teeth thinking about having to play the friendly hostess to two people who betrayed me and whom I have not yet forgiven. I have not told my husband how I feel because I am committed to letting go of the past and not holding this affair over his head.<P>He has been an exemplary husband ever since it ended, but I really want no part of this wedding. Please help me.<P>HURT AND ANGRY,<P>AUSTIN, TEXAS<P>DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Considering that the couple aided and abetted your husband in the affair and offered no explanation or apology for their part in it, your feelings are justified.<P>Before letting the plans for the party go further, tell your husband exactly how you feel about hosting a party for the couple who had a hand in nearly destroying your marriage. If he's expecting you to play hostess to them, he needs a wake-up call.<P>P.S. An affair is like an earthquake; it causes cracks in the foundation of the marriage. If you and your husband haven't already done so, schedule some sessions with a marriage counselor.<P>Until you do, the "aftershocks" will continue, and your union could crumble.<P>

belldandy - congrats, but I'm underwhelmed by her answer. She didn't tell you any thing you didn't already know.<P>WAT

[QUOTE]Originally posted by worthatry:<BR>[B]belldandy - congrats, but I'm underwhelmed by her answer. She didn't tell you any thing you didn't already know.<BR>>>><P>Kind of underwhelmed myself by the answer (though it's cool she published the letter though!). If nothing else maybe people who are right now covering up someone else's affair will see how it affects the betrayed. Luckily my H was too embarassed to tell anyone so there was no one covering for him.<BR>

Belldandy,<P>I'm curious - have you spoken to your H about this? I think you are 100% justified in not being a part of this wedding and in expecting your H to also not be a part. I truly think this couple should be a part of your past (his and yours). <P>Either that or I would be a part of tearing <B>their</B> marriage a part! <P>Good luck to you!<P>

Belldandy, i have been in your position. A woman who i thought was my friend new about the affair. Though she made it clear that she didn't want to invite OW to any gatherings she would have, she was around the OW due to her H and my H being life long friends. At first I didn't want anything to do with her, when i found out she knew. But then afterwards, i thought it was hypocritical to forgive H who IS THE ONE THAT DID THIS TO ME AND PROMISED ME LOYALTY and not forgive my friend. I am not saying you have to be buddy-buddy as you have been in the past with the couple, but try to forgive as much as you can, only you can decide how much you can give of yourself.

Actually, my intentions when I wrote "Dear Abby" were for those people who found themselves embroiled in a friend's EMR, possibly to give them an idea of how devastating it is when they side with the WS. I've been over this topic over and over and over with my own counselor. Believe me, I tried to defend the mutual friends who did not give me any support. I excused them on the basis that my H was not giving them the entire story and that he had skewed the truth. However, as my counselor pointed out, any true friend would have called me up to confirm that what my H was saying was true. Any true friend would have given *both* of us their support. According to my counselor, my H erred grievously by airing the confidences of our marriage to this couple and other mutual friends. He erred even more my moving in with this couple under the pretext that we were "separated" (when in fact, he abandoned me against my wishes). <P>I know that had they truly cared about my well-being, they would have considered my side of the story, and that they would not have allowed my H to live with them. One very "good" thing about EMRs is that you very quickly find out who is a loyal friend and who is not. After which, one can begin to prune the vines of friendship and take back the trust that was given to a supposed friend. <P>I now know who my true friends are, and which "friends" were friends of convenience. It was a very painful experience, because the betrayals hit me from people I least expected. But looking back at it rather objectively, I can now see how these people had let me down before. I can see why and how they would choose to side with my H rather than me. Of course, they are misguided. I can only fault them for that, and hope that one day through their own life experiences that they one day acquire the knowledge and wisdom to handle situations like this more equitably in the future.<P>belld

Belldandy:<P>Well, as for being underwhelmed with Ann Lander's response, I think she went as far as she can go in such a generalized column....remember she is like us on occasion...the amount of input into the situation is so limited that it is hard to give any indepth advise...therefore she gave a general reply (which was supportive) and referred you to a counselor for more indepth work on the problem.<P>As to the problem itself....divorces and affairs tend to separate out the people who are your real friends...and it's unfortunate and painful. My own experience was not very similar but just as painful. My good friend of 15 years has been going through a rough time with her own husband for the last few years (I don't know how many times she had talked with me about divorcing him)...but when the problems with my WS and OW came up we began to spend even more time together comiserating about our problesm. This apparently bothered her H so he stared complaining about the time she was spending with me...and asked her to stop...and "she did"....from one day to the next (and this was a person who I had seen every other day for 15 years)...and she has not contacted me for the last year although I tried for a month to reach her.<BR> <BR>I guess you never know who your real friends are until they are called to be so. In my case I will miss my friend for the rest of my life...but what she did was wrong...and I could probably have forgiven her but she has never asked.<P>The same is true for your friends...they were wrong, but they've never asked for your forgiveness...and should not expect that anyone who loves you would continue to be a part of their lives. I for one can forgive...but forgiveness always implies to me an acceptance of wrongness on the part of the one wanting forgiveness.<P>I for one would, however, go to these people and explain how I feel and give them the opportunity to ask to be forgiven.<P>But that's me.<P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 11, 2001).]

I lost friends as well. There was one couple especially, we had drifted a bit before...the guy a co-worker of my H's & they both were on the pool team with H & OW. They partied with my H & the OW. <P>I ran into her last fall at a gathering and told her how that had hurt me. She said she had thought that the OW & my H got together AFTER we were separated...I told her it was the REASON we separated. And that the OW is a man-hunting ....oh, well, you get the picture. The former friend thought the OW was a "sweetie". Pew. That friendship isn't coming back.<P>Truthfully, some people simply don't know what to do when a couple falls apart. The good ones can and do support both, and may even go ahead and tell the WS they are in the wrong and if they have to choose, will choose to remain friends with the BS. Some drop both the BS & WS. Some stick with the one that they had something in common with to start the friendship in the first place, ie, high school, sports, work.<P>Some of my friends were so scared it would happen to them that they couldn't bear know about it. I don't blame them, but I know those aren't strong friends, like Buffy's friend.<P>And, there's a couple friends that I think I simply wore out. Now that things are going well, I never hear from them and I do call them once in awhile, but I also understand that they gave me a lot, maybe too much of themselves for a time.

Faye,<P>I can forgive the mutual friends who "did me wrong" by not showing their support. However, as my pastor pointed out, forgiveness in itself does not mean that I have to continue a relationship with them. You can forgive someone and then part company. Some people just aren't supportive and never will be. I once told the female half of this couple of the horrible names my H called me and how his temper scared me. She accused me of lying. When I filed for divorce on grounds of his temper, she was furious with me and underplayed his rage - she told me I was making a big deal over "nothing." I offered to let her hear tapes of my H raging at me so she could get a better feel for what was really going on. She refused to hear my side of it. So in a way, I guess I can't be too surprised. <P>My counselor explained that she felt the reason the couple and some of our mutual friends sided or seemed to side with my H is because they are all recreational drug users, and to never underestimate the bond that is formed among people who like to get high together. Sort of like how alcoholics like to be around other alcoholics, or smokers like to be around other smokers. I know that's a pathetic excuse for a reason for a friendship. But I have to consider that maybe it's true. H has hung out with less than healthy people in the past who had the same "habits." There seems to be little discernment in choosing friends when it comes to this issue. I just find it odd that all of our non-user friends were supportive of me, and all of the user friends supported my H. It was a very obvious distinction.<P>And now I have just initiated a huge, rambling topic drift! <P>belld :|

belldandy, I think your counselor had a point (I'm responding to the "topic drift"). As you know, there are some similarities in my situation. My H and I own and run a business. Everyone supports me now (to my face) since I have a restraining order to keep H away and I sign their paychecks. But, the employees who use drugs sided with him initially and the ones who don't (fortunately the majority) sided with me. As far as friends, he is hanging out with people the OW's age - 27 years younger than himself (the lack of disceernment?). Both his friends, my friends, and our friends are pretty appalled by his behavior.<P>Does his anger result from substance abuse or is it a separate problem? Is he clean and sober now? I agree that it would be very hard to have anything to do with this couple, especially after you tried to present your side and were refused. Have you showed the Dear Abby column to your H? or talked to him about your feelings?

(posting this with an evil gleam in my eye, and vengefulness in my heart ... sorry, sometimes I can't help myself):<P>Bell ... this might be the perfect opportunity for public revenge. A beautiful party, of course the host and hostess must come up with a toast for the new couple! A carefully worded "wish" could stab them both without anyone seeing the bloodshed ...<P>Or, you could just go with the thought that the best revenge is living well... and be soooooo nice to them that they will wonder what exactly you are up to.<P>Or, you could remember that you are far better than they are and do whatever you want.<P> Peace.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>