Well am not sure what all this means but I am interested in your input.<P>My W (WS) has been acting a little differently over the past couple of weeks. (For those who don't know my story PA d-day was 2 1/2 months ago. She has been living on her own for the past three months. Pretty much stopped contact w/OM after d-day although she does admit to a couple of e-mails and one phone call but claims no contact at all for the past month or longer)<P>Anyway, she has changed a little in that she has been willing to spend a little more time at our house and with me.<P>Before the last couple of weeks all she could manage was about an hour at a time at the house. Yesterday she was there for the entire day (afetr we went to church together)including dinner we cooked together. She took naps in our bed Sat & Sun. Before she was adamant about not doing that. She showed up one night last week without calling, which she has never done before. Just dropped in and said she was "lonely & bored." <P>For the past couple of weeks she has said "give it time" & "please be patient" <P>She did tell me this weekend that she feels as though she has a "broken heart" and said she hoped that even though she said that that I still wouldn't give up on us. She said maybe this "other thing" (A) was supposed to happen so she would know how important our marraiage was. But she seems so sad when talking about it.<P>She also seems to be very unsure of the path she is headed on.<P>She says she doesn't want me to feel like she is taking advantage of me or not being fair and doesn't want to feel like she is leading me on (when she comes to our house) because she feels lonely and sad and wants to be with someone who cares, but then making me feel bad when she leaves.<P>She also said it's not fair of her to ask me to have patience and hang tough and everything might be ok. But she said she thought if I did it might be. But then says she isn't sure.<P>She sounds a little confused and it adds to my confusion too....I am trying to be patient and understanding and I told her I was sorry she felt heartbroken and sad. And I am sorry about that. I want to make her happy again.<P>Anyway I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts... <P><P>------------------<BR>Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

Elad - What do WSs eat for breakfast? Waffles. <P>If you've been ready my posts, you know my wife is sending mixed messages also. Yours seems more direct, e.g., "give it time" & "please be patient". I'd love to hear these words.<P>I think it's safe to say she doesn't know yet what she wants, but she clearly hasn't ruled you out. This is hard on you because not only do you have to weather the uncertainty, you have to continue giving with little in return. The three most important things you need to do right now are validate her feelings, validate her feelings, and validate her feelings. Just listen and offer support. Don't try to be a problem solver - just make it easy for her to find the answers you want her to find. You know what to do.<P>WAT

WAT<P>Thanks...that was my instinct and that's what i am trying to do...

This behavior is exactly as my husband's was after I left. Keep up the good work. It sounds as if the fog is lifting a bit.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR><B>Well am not sure what all this means but I am interested in your input.<P>My W (WS) has been acting a little differently over the past couple of weeks. (For those who don't know my story PA d-day was 2 1/2 months ago. She has been living on her own for the past three months. Pretty much stopped contact w/OM after d-day although she does admit to a couple of e-mails and one phone call but claims no contact at all for the past month or longer)<P>Anyway, she has changed a little in that she has been willing to spend a little more time at our house and with me.<P>-----<BR>This is good, spend time with her. The more time you are together, talking the better and more solid the communication. Also chatting on the phone helps too, it gives her a way to communicate with you. Without so much being right in your face, or having also to deal with maybe a disappointed look, or a unhappy face.<BR>-----<P>Before the last couple of weeks all she could manage was about an hour at a time at the house. Yesterday she was there for the entire day (afetr we went to church together)including dinner we cooked together. She took naps in our bed Sat & Sun. Before she was adamant about not doing that. She showed up one night last week without calling, which she has never done before. Just dropped in and said she was "lonely & bored." <P>-----<BR>Lonely and bored, yes those feelings come in, but theres more to that then your looking at. Plenty of places to go if your lonely and bored. So I think what she meant was ("I missed you, and i'm afraid to say so")<BR>-----<P>For the past couple of weeks she has said "give it time" & "please be patient"<P>-----<BR>Sounds very much like me, and my situation. I too said this, because I was having trouble breaking away from (OW) I tried to give a little reassurance to my wife. Tried even when hurting her.<BR>-----<P>She did tell me this weekend that she feels as though she has a "broken heart" and said she hoped that even though she said that that I still wouldn't give up on us. She said maybe this "other thing" (A) was supposed to happen so she would know how important our marraiage was. But she seems so sad when talking about it.<P>-----<BR>I don't think any (A) happens because it was supposed too.<BR>However some good can and does come from situations like this, and like my own. I am talking with my wife more now then I have in a long long time. We are back to a core communications, sharing, and talking.<BR>-----<P>She also seems to be very unsure of the path she is headed on.<P>-----<BR>I've said this as well, however my circumstances I said this under. I was still involved with (OW) So you better believe my path was very uncertain at the time. I'm not trying to imply your wife is still with (OM). Just lending to ("She's not alone with this thought") It's strange when I see things I've said before, come out of the mouths of other people, and I think back to when I said those things. I was unsure of a lot of things. Unsure if my wife and I could ever grow, unsure if things with her would remain the same, I wanted to go back to her because I still loved her, I was unsure who to turn to for help. I was unsure who was being more detrimental with thier help, then helping. helping me. ("Had friends and family, telling me what I should and shouldn't do, instead of ("We support your decisions")") I was also unsure at the time, wether or not I could leave someone who had been telling me everything I wanted to hear, someone who had ("Loved me") someone who was also manipulating me at every turn, and someone who basically said. I will always be here for you, then saying. Your wife was never there for you, and so on. Back to the good things. I hit this stage of uncertainty when I realized my (A) wasn't all it was cracked up to be, things fell apart with (OW) and I dramatically. As I started to realize what she was doing, what I was doing, and I was ("unsure of my path with her")<BR>-----<P>She says she doesn't want me to feel like she is taking advantage of me or not being fair and doesn't want to feel like she is leading me on (when she comes to our house) because she feels lonely and sad and wants to be with someone who cares, but then making me feel bad when she leaves.<BR>----<BR>I really hate to say this Elad, but this sounds exactly what I said to my wife, and I was still involved with (OW)<BR>at the time I said that. I'll explain what was happening with me when I said those things. I said to my wife ("I dont want to lead you on") I was still with (OW) I felt guilty about being with my wife. It was a subconcious choice of words for me, I was really telling her. I am still involved with (OW) and I feel guilty about being here, and feel guilty that I may be leading you on, because I haven't ended all contact as I said I did. I was still lying about things then. I even told my wife at one point. That I had ended all contact with (OW) because we had a fight, and I was now ready to work on things with her. Which I partially intended, but I was secretly hoping (OW) would contact me. She did and consequently I told my wife I wanted to move out, and get a seperation afterwards. This time is diffrent with me for a lot of reasons she can't see. She can't see how sorry I am for everything, and she can't see how genuinely disgusting I feel about acting, doing, and saying the things I did to her. She doesn't see how much I regret doing all of those things. Doesn't feel how motivated I am now to work on our marriage, to rebuild what we had and more. How it's an exciting time for me to to see our future, hopes and dreams come back together. To see ("REALLY TALK") again. <BR>----<P>She also said it's not fair of her to ask me to have patience and hang tough and everything might be ok. But she said she thought if I did it might be. But then says she isn't sure.<P>----<BR>Very much similar to what I said to my wife again, at the time of still being in contact with (OW) These are all what I call ("Subconsious words") where you say one thing, it makes sense to you. Becuase you genuinely feel crappy about what your doing, and perhaps still doing, but for me it was so much more. I look back now, and it was my way of coming out with the truth of the situation. I secretly hoped my wife would examine my words, read between the lines.<BR>She's having trouble breaking free. We all do.<BR>----<P>She sounds a little confused and it adds to my confusion too....I am trying to be patient and understanding and I told her I was sorry she felt heartbroken and sad. And I am sorry about that. I want to make her happy again.<P>----<BR>Have patience and understanding Elad, you have thus far, and I see a good guy on the other side of this text. I see someone who's strong, caring, and loving. She needs that now.<BR>----<P>Anyway I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts... <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>H.

[H]<BR> Thanks for your lengthy & insightful reply. I gather you were the WS?<P><BR>

Yeah I am the (WS) so I can offer some ideas as to what she might be saying, thinking, feeling. From examples of my own history, and things i've said. It wont be exactly the same i'm sure, but anything I can do to help at this point I am more then willing to. This site has helped me tremendously. Reading, learning and growing.<P>H.<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 11, 2001).]

Ooops double post<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 11, 2001).]