First things first - I am the one that cheated. I did not make the first move, but I did nothing to stop it, but I did fight it as long as I could. I got sucked in and what's worse, fell in love. After awhile I found out the woman I cheated with had done it before and in the end I was used, chewed up and spit out and after falling in love, man am I paying the price. My wife never had a clue when I finally told her what I had done. I had to tell her, I'm not sure why. I thought the marriage would be over, but she has forgiven me 100%. So has God. I have somewhat. My problem lies in that I am going through serious withdrawal in spite of knowing that OW used me. I still love OW. My wife doesn't know that (we are still together and things are going much better). So, I am trying to suck it up alone because I have no one to tell without the chance of it getting back to her. If my wife knew I loved OW, then she would dump me. Our marriage is still far from safe, but I also could not hurt my wife that way. My problem lies in that I can't seem to get over OW. Everything reminds me of OW, even my wife. I have had yet another (3rd of it's kind) detailed dream of being with OW. Just hanging out and talking with her and seeing how she's been doing(nothing sexual). It was so real. This just resets my withdrawal time period. I don't think I'll ever get over her and I think it might ruin my marriage because of it. Because I burned my wife, I think of OW whenever I see my wife. Everything still reminds me of OW and it has been awhile since last contact. I'm dying to know what she's been doing. I would never go back to her after how she burned me, but I still love her and would love to find her twin, if there is one. I have to suck up the hurt and mood swings that occur inside of me, but it is so hard. I am starting to think I need to get divorced to totally start fresh. My wife is in love with me the way I am with OW. I can't go into too much detail cause wife my read this board. I guess I just needed someone to talk to and just type out my feelings. I try not to get upset at OW cause she had a somewhat hard childhood. I can forgive her. I would always forgive her.<P>I would not wish the pain I have been going through on my worst enemy. My wife is trying to pull me along for us to get on with our lives, and I am trying to do just that, but I just don't know. I'm also scared that I could hurt her again someday, as what I once believed to be my strongpoint (willpower) caved in so easily. I didn't make the first move, but that is hardly something to hang your hat on. Sorry for rambling.

Also, believe me I understand the pain my wife had. And it has eaten at me what I did to her. She didn't deserve it. And I do have some resentment for OW that she just walks away and cut ties and feelings without a second thought. I guess outta sight, outta mind works for some and not for others.

whatalife~<P>Welcome to MB site. Please read all you can here, it will help alot. <P>Now as far as withdrawal goes, no contact is the best. It seems you are remorseful to your wife. You still hurt and that is normal, with time the pain will ease. So long as you see and talk with the OW the pain will last longer. <P>My husband's withdrawal last a very long time. I hope you and your know what needs that weren't being meet and are working together to correct them.<P>Maybe a call to the Harley's would be a good start. Also keep posting here because there are many wonderful people will support you and your wife.<P>Best of wishes,<BR>Judy

Sorry double post.<p>[This message has been edited by bighope (edited June 11, 2001).]

How long have you been in withdrawal? When did OW cut off all ties? A question to ask yourself, what is that OW made you feel that you don't think your W could? At one time you were IN LOVE with your W, why do u feel that it can't happen again?

You are still in a dream world. I have seen a few cases of the OW being totally the ideal for some guy. After a few years of separation the OW previous lover couldn't imagine being married to that person. The change was the OW got married, had children and has now become like any other normal woman, stressed out, sense of responsibility, and most days very tired in in no mood for constant parties and fun.

I posted this on another thread, but could be applicable to you too. Hang in there, keep posting! - tnt<P>....."1. You came to the right site - you will get a lot of support here! Post often! It is incredible the amount of growth you will make within a relatively short time, it is nice to find that you may help others grow as well.<BR>2. The Harley's talk about the "love bank". I would like to take a stab at diagnosing your situation: Your love bank was running low. It simply runs low because your wife did not/does not do the things that you emotionally need to fill it up. Why she did not/does not deposit into your love bank could be several factors; it could be she is trying to fill your lovebank with deposits that is "foreign currency"... Perhaps she is doing some of the things for you that are not priority on your list? Or she is narcisstic - and is extremely selfish.... Could it be that you two were not spending 15 hours a week quality time? Could it be that your wife lied to you or was so mean and ugly that she withdrew all of her deposits? For whatever reason, YOUR LOVEBANK WAS EMPTY.<P>3. Now you have this deprived love-bank, and OW started depositing the currency your love-bank needed. You allowed the deposits. She (as in most new relationships) did not make any withdrawals. <P>4. Now you are not getting your lovebank filled anymore by OW or W. You miss having your lovebank filled, not the OW! This is the Harley theories. If this makes any kind of sense to you, then go back and read the Basic Concepts, and print off the emotional needs questionaire for you and your wife. <P>5. Then tell your wife what your emotional needs are..... And consider incorporating the other key ingredients of the basic concepts into your marriage. I guarantee you, this will work if you do it. <P>Good luck, and keep us updated......"<P>

I agree with your posts and the thing that is frustrating is that after seeing how used I was I WANT to get over OW. My marriage doesn't have a chance if I can't. OW is different than my wife in almost every way. The thing that has bugged me about my wife for years is how much she is just like me and I don't want that. There is no balance.<P>I now listen to 2 songs differently than I did before, for me, they hit the nail on the head EXACTLY. Check them out and listen to the words, the guy who wrote them has definitely been burned before - Aerosmith's "What it Takes" and "Cryin".<P>I want to get over this so bad. I was used and now discarded by OW, so why do I even care about her, let alone love her ?! My wife wants to get on with our marriage and I want to give it a fair shot, but until this clears (if ever) I just don't know. I feel awful that my wife is getting hammered twice. Once by me cheating, and now by me going through withdrawal.