My WS says that she and he are "just friends" even though I caught them doing some very heavy kissign and petting in her car, smelled him on her one night when she came home and also smelled her on her on another night (I think you know what I mean here). She said it was over then last week (we have been separated on and off for about a month though totally separated the last two weeks) I went to her apt and heard her moaning. Knocked and of course no answer. She said the next AM (after I accellerated to Plan B) that he was only rubbing on her. I cannot get those sounds out of my head and since I know them so well cannot beleive that that is all that was happening. Do I "NEED" to know the truth? Should I accept what she says happened as the truth? I am racked constantly with this incredible desire to know the truth about if they did have sex. <P>I am tied up in knots over this. The only good thing is he is out of town for a month and she says this will help her get over him.

NeverEnding, the first thing to learn is that you may NEVER get W to admit to having sex with her "friend". A lot of cheating spouses never tell the whole truth until caught red-handed and believe it or not they will continue to deny even then. I think you know that your W is cheating, even if she hasn't GONE ALL THE WAY, kissing is cheating, any intimate time secretly spent with another man who is not her husband is cheating. U know the answer, but like all of us just have that spark of hope thay we could be wrong. But our gut usually knows the truth even though our head doesn't want to admit it.<BR>PS<BR>People who are "Just Friends" don't kiss and rub up against one another. But i know you already know that.<p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited June 11, 2001).]

OK and agreed with all you say. Question then is how do I deal with it, possibly never REALLY knowing the truth? It is like Dr H's book says, the truth is not what is hard to take, it is not knowing the truth. Must I then believe what she says happened as the truth? <P>Sigh, yes, I know friends to do not do what they do/did but it is beyond me how she can still say they are just friends then!

Bud, you know the truth. You can believe what you want to believe, whether that's what she's telling you or not. You're trying to cling to her story because you don't want to know. I did this for 2.5 months, but inside I knew. You will find out sooner or later for yourself. Her 'just friends' story is standard WS script, we've all heard it at some point. You know she's lying to you about being friends because as the other post said, friend's don't do that sort of thing... why do you think that she's telling the truth about not going all the way? I'll tell you why, because that's what you want to hear. My advice would be to start dealing with the worst now. We'll all be here to listen and support. Take care

One way to deal with not knowing for sure what you're pretty sure you know is take the worst case scenario and decide what your course of action would be.<P>If they've had sex, or done some sexual favors for each other, do either of those change how you want to proceed? If you want your marriage, you can work toward that goal, no matter what she has done. If you don't want your marriage, then what she has done would be just more details.<P>You can Plan A even while separated, in some ways it is easier because you only have to be nice for a couple hours and then you go to your separate dwellings. In other ways it is more difficult because you don't have as much contact.<P>You don't have to believe what she says. You also don't have to confront her that she is lying. Collect what she says, weigh it against what you know/feel/see/hear. When actions and words do not line up, believe the actions.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Well already started on Plan A but now on Plan B earlier than really should have due to her. Thanks for the input and advice. I love her dearly and while my head says I should give up and surrender my heart will not yet let me. Sigh<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):<BR><B>One way to deal with not knowing for sure what you're pretty sure you know is take the worst case scenario and decide what your course of action would be.<P>If they've had sex, or done some sexual favors for each other, do either of those change how you want to proceed? If you want your marriage, you can work toward that goal, no matter what she has done. If you don't want your marriage, then what she has done would be just more details.<P>You can Plan A even while separated, in some ways it is easier because you only have to be nice for a couple hours and then you go to your separate dwellings. In other ways it is more difficult because you don't have as much contact.<P>You don't have to believe what she says. You also don't have to confront her that she is lying. Collect what she says, weigh it against what you know/feel/see/hear. When actions and words do not line up, believe the actions.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

They are having sex. And not admitting it is so common. They all use the same lines, "just friends", bla bla bla.<P>You should start a Plan B after a good Plan A, so I don't know how long you Plan Ad for, but hopefully it was good.<P>I wish you luck.