Here I go again... My H and I took our 3 year old son out to dinner last night, then went to the park. We played on the playground with him and had a great time. On the way home, I held my husband's hand, told him I loved him and how much fun we had. When we got home, he said "Are you giving it your best?" I felt that kick in my stomach.. I said... "Yes, why".. he said "Ok." Then..." You know, it would have been nice if you had walked up behind me and put your arms around me at the playground and acknowledged that I was there!" ??????? My goodness, the three of us were playing together! Then, he said..."and it would have been nice if you had undone your seatbelt and leaned over and kissed me on the way home." I can't read his mind, I can never do enough, I don't ever do the "right" things.. How in the world do I get past this??? It's all part of our "baggage".. that I'm never good enough. I can't agree with "proving" your love.. when you love someone, it should be felt at all times.. even when your just near each other. Look at your parents.. do they try to prove their love all the time? If you don't know that your spouse loves you.. something is wrong. My H knows that I does.. he says no one probably will ever love him like I do, but I don't show him like he wants me to. I can do everything possible in a day, and he'll have had something on his mind that I didn't do. I don't know how to deal with it, and it is so stressful.

I have not been posting here for long and I don't know your story, but I will take the time to read it after this reply becasue I do care. I think at this point the only thing you can do is keep those "helpful hints" in mind going forward. He obviously needs constant reminders right now that you do love him, not through words, but through actions. I just wish my husband were with me instead of the OW so I could show him how much I love him.<P>Don't let him get you down, just keep in mind that he needs that affection and give it to him. I will be well worth it in the end I am sure. Keep your head up and keep smiling.

Leighan, my h too had a tendency to think I could read his mind. A long time ago it almost seemed so, we didn't really need to talk to know what each other was thinking kind of think the problem is as time passed and life kept throwing us nice curve balls we kind of got out of syn.<BR>So when the affair happened I guess he was expecting me to read his mind or something.<P>Your best approach is to tell him that exactly - in a very nice way of course. It is impossible for you to know what he wants at each moment - it is impossible for anyone! - and to top it of you - of course - are a bit anxious about what to do, I"m sure that sometimes you think to yourself "should I do this?" "would this make him feel I"m pressuring him?" things like that.<BR>SO if you think is able to listen, explain that to him. Maybe he can tell you what he feels he needs right now, that will not only help you to have an idea, but it will help any anxiety you have over doing things for him. <P>In my case, asking him directly, explaining I was having trouble knowing how any gesture from me will affect him, helped a lot.<P>Hope it helps you too.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

He does tell me.. but I still don't always think of everything. How anyone can stand there and constantly think of what they would like to be happening.. I just don't get. I am so grateful for any gestures, whenever they occur and I never think.. "I wish he would.." If I want him to hold me, I'll hold him. If I want him to hold my hand, I'll hold his.. now, if he rejected me, I would be upset or feel let down. He does tell me what he likes, but what he likes consumes so much time and energy, I just can't think of it all. Our therapist said he was a "scripter".. but he still does it. He said he can't help it.. yet he gets so let down when I don't meet his expectations.

I don't know Leighann, i think u have gotten some great advice here, and your actions are showing that you want to help rebuild your marriage, but it seems as though your H is setting you up to fail. I don't understand his need to put down everything that you do to try to rebuild. I am a BS and I know I had needs that I wanted H to meet to PROVE that he loved me and only me. But if all that you say is true then yes I understand you being upet with your H because in my opinion he is going overboard with the PROVE YOUR LOVE. He is testing you to see how much of his crap you will take b4 you say "i have had enough and I want out". Also it seems your lovebank is depleting at a rapid pace by his constant critisizing of what you don't do when u think you are doing the right thing. If if get's to the point where you feel you are going to explode, I think it that will be the time to sit him down and gently but firmly say, "I love you, I need you and I want. I am not going anywhere and I will be here for you to lash-out your anger, hurt or complaints about how i have hurt you, but you must tell me what EXACTLY it is that you need from me, because I am under the impression that I am showing you love but you still are unhappy with me." Plan A is about changing yourself for the better, not changing into a person you are not. It seems he wants you to be all over him 24/7, and when you are it still isn't enough for him, but that is not the real you nor is it the real world!

Leighann,<BR>Try to look at this from the flip side, he's communicating what he wants you to do...perhaps as you are showing love, verbalize it, it may seem awkward, but "I'm hugging and loving on you." It sounds like you are doing this at times, keep it up.<P>He sounds like a big ball of need.<P>My other suggestion is read the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman. It goes well with Harley's HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, but you only have to learn 5 . It says that each of us receives and shows love in a "language" and if you don't speak your spouse's language, no matter how much you show your kind of love, they might not get it.<P>For example, my language is time together and conversation. My H's is service. So, when he is out caulking the windows, he may be showing me love...but since he's not spending any time with me, I don't receive it like that, and in fact may feel unloved. He sees me doing laundry and feels loved. (service is an odd language sometimes.)<P>Another option is for the 2 of you to take the Emotional Needs questionnaire. It really sounds like you are putting forth some good effort, but either he's really needy or you are meeting needs, but not his top needs?<P>Quite honestly, I think I sometimes behave like your H, I can have a wonderful time with my H & fall apart in the next half hour and feel like nothing is working. I'm getting much better, the longer we are in recovery, but he's had to be really patient and giving with me at times.