Hello Again Ill try and keep this brief! Back in June 2000 I discovered Phone calls with OM, in Jan. 2001 was are D-Day with full disclosure by me. Six months later its been a roller coaster with Plan A to death, including trips, Flowers, Hugs everything u can think of.<BR> About 2 weeks ago after another assumed meeting with OM I went to B with an appt. for a Lawyer, as she is still in the house with me and the kids. She said we havent been fair to each other playing all these games, and shook my hand on making the marriage work. Sex has never been a problem all the way through, and ya I call it sex because thats what she calls it.<BR> Her sister has assisted her since Jan. with phone calls and beeps to the other man. Just so you know the forces Iam up against. <BR> I currently see no outward signs of The OM, however she does work far from home and about 10 hours a day.<BR> Assuming all is quiet with the OM. There is another issue of internet contact with another co worker where she flirts with e-mail, things like where and how each other like to do it, and very a matter of fact.<BR> I never found any evidence of a Physical affair with the OM and the e-mail stopped withe the plan B, but just the other day she wrote another one.<BR> Back in Dec. I discovered some diet pills and she works out more than she probably should, we are both in seperate therapy. God only knows we need it. We have an appt. for marrg. counceling together.<BR> My question to you f/m WS is Where is she, Is she coming back, and how long will this take ? I have been more than patient. I have to say though in the last 2 weeks I have seen improvement in the way she treats me, but the emails have me still uneasy. Thanks gang, Bill

Well she's still in contact with him I imagine, since you said she emailed the other day. While that communication exists I believe it's detrimental to your progress.<P>Sounds like the fog is clearing on her end, but she's not ready to leave just yet. As she's still emailing him. It's tough to say if she's coming back or not, to give you a solid yes or no answer. My feeling is was I was in a similar place, and I managed to fully get out of the fog.<P>Be patient, your seeing improvements, thats always good. The emails should have you uneasy, as any communication is communication. It hinders progress.<P>One of my wifes requests to me, was that I not contact (OW) in any way. Via phone, Emails, Chat, Letters, ect. It was a difficult at first request to fulfill, but It got easier over time. Instead of emailing, or calling, or chatting with the (OW) I started emailing, calling, and talking with my wife anytime I felt the need to contact (OW) So as a result my wife got a lot of emails, phone calls, ect <P>------------------<BR>H.<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

Hey any help is much appreciated i just dont know where she is heading with all this. I must clear up something though. She is not e-mailing the OM there is another player on the horizon at work that she is flirting with. I dont know if I had given her an ultimatum with the OM and she has slowed or stopped it. But she had started this other contact via e-mail regarding where they like to do it, interesting places, that stopped with Plan B also. However 2 nites ago she reached out to the 2nd co worker via email saying I havent heard from you in a while Blah blah blah. So I guess Im trying to figure out whats going on. Thanks Bill

Hi Will...<P>Have you seen any signs of a severe mood swing that would indicate some period of withdrawl. Depending on how long she has been involved...it can be painfully difficult to break off all contact and 'keep a smile' on one's face. If you want to go with the analogy that this is an addiction, and she seems to be 'coping' through it all...'something' must be assisting her...like a little 'nip from the bottle' of her source. (OM)<P>The deal with the other coworker can be serious if she's not careful. There is a huge vacum/void in her life now...hence...seeking love from other people. It's not uncommon for one to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire on these deals.If there is evidence of some shift in her affections, I would say that is good...she is trying to get out of the place she is in...and grasping for anything....just make sure YOU are there....to fill that need to the best of your ability. Making room for God would help as well! <P><p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited June 13, 2001).]

Thanks light house, i would guess the withdrawl is coming to an end and that phase was with the other co-worker in emails to help with the pain of the loss of the OM. Im just guessing though. A recent email to the co worker was telling him to work on his problems with his wife, so maybe she is coming around who knows. no obvious signs of the OM either. Im praying this is starting to turn around a lil.<BR>thanks bill

C'mon WS'S I really need some help here. A lil' more advice can help me cope. My backs against the wall and the wall is starting to fall. Thanks, Bill

Dear Will, I wish I could help but I gave up contact after D-Day. I contacted and told OM a few days after I told my husband the truth. After that the only contacts where by the OM to me when he was scared that my husband was going to contact his wife. I believe the last time the OM called to check on me was 4-6 weeks after D-Day in June 2000 and I told him we should never have to talk again goodbye. I have been doing plan "a" as far as emotional needs to my husband since back then. I was not in a fog. The last months of my discretions were not good with OM and I didn't see him much anyway. OM had stopped meeting my needs a long time before D-Day. My only regret regarding DDAY is I wish I had started treating my husband better before he found out the truth. However at that time I was drinking and in deep self pity.<p> All my troubles with the affair began with the computer. That was how I met him. Since D-Day my computer is an open book and he can check anything he wants at anytime.

Thanks beautiful, I wish my wife was as rational as you in ending it with the OM. But now it seems much more than that with a e mail flirt and the possibility of another OM developing at work. Amazing what we accept and still trudge along. I dont know whats next we have 3 counselors trying to save this marriage.1 for each of us and a marriage counselor togethor. Hang in there IM SURE YOUR DEALING WITH A LOT ALSO,bILL

I understand you have counselors (a LOT of them! ) but have you tried the Harley's? I ask because they will have a totally different approach, and an appt. with them might take the place of the THREE OTHERS, in respect to SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE, which is what you want.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Click Here for Info on Counseling</A>

Will12,<P>I think your wife is in withdrawl. The contact with other co-worked might be "Rebounding" looking for help, support in her time of EMR I guess. Someone mentioned, that (Ws's) will go from one frying pan to another. This personally never happened with me, but I hear it's common. So could explain the "Other player" on the horizon you mentioned.<P>Be supportive will. Sounds like she's making her way back to you. After she dodges a few people in the way.<P>-Added<BR>Well I guess it was lighthouse's post. I read sometime earlier that stuck in my mind. "Rebounding". Makes sense to me, if that is indeed what is happening.<P>Might suggest a quiet evening for you two, nothing to extreme just a chance to talk, relax, and listen. Also talk with Steve or Jennifer <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 19, 2001).]

Dear Will12,<P>Your situation is so similar to mine that I wanted to write to you, as others have, with a huge warning. Do what you can to stop the developing affair with her co-worker.<P>My H of 20 years had a 2 year affair with a woman living in another state. I have no idea who she is really. As it was breaking up...and I had no idea about any of it, my H turned to a co-worker of 20 years to help him with his feelings of guilt and withdrawl. He fell in love with her and has left his family (we have 3 teens) to live with her. I am giving you a wayyyy shortened version of the events as they happened, but we are in the process of divorce. OW #1 I could have gotten over...#2...a woman I'd known for over 20 years...nope!<P>Just one more note. While having lunch with a member of H's family, she asked me what I did...how I handled H's affairs as far as the OW was concerned. I, rather proudly, said that I had never made a scene...no bricks through windows, no late night phone calls to OW. My sis-in-law looked at me with astonishment and said if some woman came after her H like that she would have done everything short of killing her...this from a true Christian soul. Really made me think though. I mean, I'm all for Plan A and dignity and everything else, but I guess I never really fought for him.<P>Watch the co-worker like a hawk.<P>allison

Thanks for all the input gang, I dont think anyone is way off base here. However the only one that knows whats going on is my wife. Iam watching that new OM as well as her sexual flirts with another on the e-mail. Any ideas on how to bring this up without making a huge scene or explaining how I destroyed her privacy. This a tough one, and I truly dont know what to do, on the positive side she's still at home.

Will,<P>Be patient. I was were your W is now. And even after D-day I was still in the fog. I even moved in with the OM for about a week but knew that wasn't where I should be so I went back home. I will tell you the withdrawal is terrible. It is a big aching hurt inside that can at times feel almost overwhelming. I didn't send a no contact letter until 4 months after D-day. And once the letter was sent, I only one time emailed him. I think I did that just to test the waters again, but since I knew he had no access to a computer, I was fairly certain he wouldn't respond, which he didn't. But once I was coming out of the fog, I had many questions and thoughts about the OM. My husband was extremely supportive. But I also without even realizing what I was doing began to flirt with someone else on the internet. I got racy emails and responded that same way. It wasn't until I felt confident that my husband truly loved me again that I was able to stop that. It was as if I was afraid to share my needs with my H. But just being home made it all the easier to learn to love my H again. I probably put this very badly, if you have any more specific questions, you can email me at deblynne_45@yahoo.com. or ask on here. I will answer as honestly as I can.<P>dlm<BR>(debbie)

Thanks DLM, If I had to ask a question I guess it would be a extended one ... Is she still choosing between me and OM or does she know she belongs here just not sure if she is in love anymore. And do I keep quiet and act like any other day or should I try to get her to talk because she never wants to discuss it only in therapy, and if I do discuss it or not do I pour on the I love u's. Im just trying to figure out a game plan before she does dive in or back to any of these men. Thanks Again, Bill

Will,<P>This is only my opinion based on what I have been thru, but I think your W has already made up her mind to be home since she is still there and in counseling. And she may be trying to figure out if she still loves you, but we all know that love is a choice one makes. Do you have access to another computer where you can send her love cards and love letters to her email? Maybe she enjoys having these kinds of communications and this would be a way for you to let her know how much you love her, especially since she enjoys being online. The thing that really turned things around for me with my H was that he left cards and messages in my car every day while I was at work during the whole thing after he found out. Oh not right away, but once he felt he had a handle on things he went out of his way to make sure I felt loved without being smuthered. Even while I was out in the fog and the week I was gone, he didn't fail to leave me a note. When my work schedule was changed to nights, he did have a little trouble getting into the swing of it, but for the first time I had to courage to ask him if he left those notes because he meant them or if it was convenient since we worked close to each other. After that, the notes have been in my car every morning when I get off work. He makes a special trip all the way out there to make sure I know I am loved and worth the inconvenience. So what is your W's most basic love need?<BR>Find it and meet it in every way you can. And if the<BR>opportunity presents itself and you feel you can ask her in a non judging way, ask about the emails with other men and the kind of things they write about.<P>These are just my thoughts. I hope they help you.<BR>DLM

I am also in this pretty deep with my wife and her OM. I have a question for any WS:<P>When you were in the fog and your spouse was working hard to reconcile, going to counseling and being attentive, supportive and caring - did you shut yourelf off from friends, family and counselors? Did you not want to hear what they had to say and not want to accept what you have done? Did you not want to own the pain you caused in your family, to your spouse and to the OM/OW family? Were you wanting to place all the blame on you having the affair on your spouse?<P>Just where my wife is right now and need to know if this is the path.<P>Thank you in advance for your replies!

Thanks again DLM that would have been my next question, is my flowers notes and telling her how much I love her the wrong thing. Hubby4her brings up a good question also.<BR> Im plugging along, but I cant mention the e-mail with the OOM I only know about the 1st OM. Any time frame on withdrawl, I know thats a common and hard question to answer. Thanks again, bill

Will and hubby for her,<BR>You ask good questions. And Hubby4her, yes I did try to justify my behavior by what was had happened in my marriage.<BR>I also found this site and start out by asking questions that would also justify meleaving my H by not 'being in Love" with him anymore. I didn't ask my family for advice, but I did talk to them about the whole thing. Of course it was slanted to my perspective and my H's faults were very much exaggerated so I could feel that what I was doing was okay. And thru it all, my H accepted all the blame for what was happening. He told me that if had been attentive to my needs I wouldn't have had to look elsewhere to get those needs met. Of course, now that we are on the road to recovery, I have accepted my part of the whole situation and fully taken responsibility for my A. No matter how bad things are at home, no one made me step over the line and have an A. but it took some time for me to feel this way.<P>Will, the notes and letting her know you love her is a very good start. How does she respond to these? And do you just send her love notes to her email since she enjoys her email so much? I realize you can't talk about the OOM, but you can encourage her to talk to you about what to do to make her happy with you. Besides all the cards my H left me, he made sure I didn't do anything around the house for a while. I am so amazed by him now, but back then I just watched as he took care of everything at home. My job is extremely physically demanding and I would come from work physically drained, but the emotional turmoil was worse so<BR>I didn't want to do anything at home. And for the first time in our entire married life that is what I did. My daughter and my husband did everything just so I would know that I was loved and accepted at home.<P>If you have any other questions, please ask. I can only respond from my situation, but I will be happy to share what I know.<BR>dlm

Thanks DLM,every little bit helps to keep trudging along. She responds to notes and verbal I love you, usually with the same. I love you too nothing extra, but I do know not to expect anymore than that. But I did ask a difficult question, because everyone is different. How long does this phase usually take, or in your case how long did withdrawl last, where you finally realized there is someone else in love with you, your hubby? Thanks for your input, im sure you dont realize how many people you are helping believe it or not, Bill

Will,<P>For me withdrawal was very intense the first 6 weeks after I sent the no contact letter, which I only sent the end of March of this year. And I wasn't a very pleasant person to be around at time during that period. I was snappy and mopey, but I also had some good days. What helped most for me was the fact that my husband and I work opposite shifts.<BR>I work nights and he works days. We have to make the most of the time we have together. I still have my moments where I miss the OM very much. Theses moments are becoming fewer and fewer, but they are still there. But I also knew in my heart that if he, OM, weren't around, I could still function and my life would still go on. <BR>You asked when did I realize that someone else, my hubby, loved me. I always knew my hubby loved me. I never felt for an instant that he didn't. That's what made it possible for me to come back home in my mind and spirit. It was knowing that even at my very worse, here was a man who loved me, that he actually unconditionally loved me.<BR>When I took the time to weigh the two factors, I discovered that I didn't want to give up a man like that. But that discovery didn't happen overnight. It took months. It has only been 3 months since the no contact letter and things are getting much better for me. But I can be a very strong<BR>willed woman. Once I determined that my marriage was worth everything to me, I began to work on my way of thinking about things, about the OM, about my H, and about our lives together. So each day when the thoughts come that this is too much work, I remind myself, that it's all worth the work. I cut off thoughts of the other man. When they come back, I refocus them on my husband and his love for me.<P>It will take time for your W to realize what a gem you are<BR>for waiting to work all this out. You will have to show great patience and keep on loving her inspite of herself.<BR>As long as she is still there with you and still says she loves you, you have great hope.<BR>Let me know if this helped and if you have any other questions. or it something comes along that you just want input on. And if I am helping anyone, then maybe I have learned a valuable lesson in all this pain and hurt. I am just sorry it took all of this for me to see the value in my marriage and my husband.<P>dlm