My wife began an affair about 6 months ago. We have 2 young children that love us both very much. We have had problems over the years, but especially the past 2 years. We have had many good time too, but she seems to be focused on issues that that go back as far as 15 years. She has had clinical depression for a number of years and experienced a manic episode last year. The situation was handled as well as possible at the time, but it left her with very resentful feelings. Also, I have recently come to understand through therapy that I have diplayed controlling behavior over the years, but am making steady progress working with my own psychologist in changing. My wife has even commented on my improvement.<P>She agreed to stop seeing her lover, and even sent him a letter a few weeks ago asking him not to contact her any more. She insisted that we separate, which we just did, so she could "heal" in order to rebuild our marriage. She promised me that this was only temporary. I just found out a few days ago she is still seeing him and she says she has tried to stop, says she stopped for several weeks, but has been unable. <P>I have followed plan A very closely for the past 3 months but it has made little difference. I believe she has become addicted to her lover. No matter how well I behave or how much I try to meet her needs, she remains unresponsive and resentful.<P>I still love her and told her so. I have said I want to rebuild our marriage. She has said so too. I have said to her that we will not be effective in rebulding our marriage if she does not stop seeing the other guy. She conveys remorse,tells me she's confused and sorry, but says she has to work it out herself. She is having some of her needs met by me (financial and family) and her other emotional needs met through her affair. <P>My taker says I am ready to begin plan B now. My giver says stick to Plan A. I let her know that I want to work on our marriage together so we can both be happy, that I want to help her through this, but that I could not enable this behavior to continue indefinitey. We are even still in marraige counseling! I have not been happy with our counselor for many months because we never had a plan. My wife has known for a long time that I have been very displeased with our counselor.<P>To make matters worse, I am now unemployed and we are running out of money. We also have much debt, and could potentially lose our home. She has agreed to relocate If my job search requires, but I'm concerned that she may change her mind. I told her I could not leave my family behind.<P>I'm concerned that she will view it as controlling behavior on my part, if I start plan B now. Please help! What should I do?<P>Never say die!<P>

Never:<P>To be short and sweet and to spare your time:<BR>1)BE assertive. Does not mean your TAKER takes over. But your taker MUST be present ALL THE TIME. If it is not win/win, then you are going for lose/win.<BR>You either agree on going forward with a plan to save your marriage, or agree to disagree and get a good lawyer to settle your D.<BR>2)Words and Actions. You said "I have said I want to rebuild our marriage. She has said so too. I have said to her that we will not be effective in rebulding our marriage if she does not stop seeing the other guy."<BR>Just ask yourself and your wife: "What part of NO you do not understand? The N or the O?"<BR>Do you both want to rebuild your marriage? So translate words into actions and get on with it!<P><BR>

Well, I want to say. Do what your intuition is telling you to do. No one person on this board can tell you if you need to stay with plan a. or start plan b. I think in most cases, you will know when the time is right for you to start plan b. You will know when you can't handle anymore hurt, and it's time to help yourself.<P>I however wanted you to know, someone is reading, and someone does care. I wish I could offer something of validity to help you at this time.<P>You will know, when you know I guess is what I'm saying.<P><P>------------------<BR>H.<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

Thank you so much for your reply! I don't know you, but I sure need a friend right now. I have no family support where we live. I thought I put everything into my family, but apparently made mistakes. I have stopped blaming myself for everything and the truth is easier to deal with than the unknown.<P>Spoke to Steve H. today, and he feels if I can take it, and I am, that I'm still in Plan A. She has said she will complete the LB and EM questionnaires. I'll see if we can have calls with SH.<P>Not sure if I understand your 2)?<P>Please reply... really need a friend<P>Thanks!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wegetwhatweseed:<BR><B>Never:<P>To be short and sweet and to spare your time:<BR>1)BE assertive. Does not mean your TAKER takes over. But your taker MUST be present ALL THE TIME. If it is not win/win, then you are going for lose/win.<BR>You either agree on going forward with a plan to save your marriage, or agree to disagree and get a good lawyer to settle your D.<BR>2)Words and Actions. You said "I have said I want to rebuild our marriage. She has said so too. I have said to her that we will not be effective in rebulding our marriage if she does not stop seeing the other guy."<BR>Just ask yourself and your wife: "What part of NO you do not understand? The N or the O?"<BR>Do you both want to rebuild your marriage? So translate words into actions and get on with it!<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I think he's saying, your wife agreed to work on your marriage so how is seeing the other man working on your marriage. So he's saying, what part of No you can't see the other man don't you understand. The N or O.<P>Lots of friends on this board. Lots of support here. Grab some coffee, and whatever else you like. Relax a bit, and ask your questions. You'll be amazed at the amount of caring people there are around here. <P>------------------<BR>H.<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 12, 2001).]