Just wondering.<P>I've had a question pop up from time to time in discussions with my wayward wife about where our relationship is going. Since I am in Plan A, I generally try to avoid this topic because it has a great chance of developing into a big LB.<P>The line I get from her is "What do I have to do to prove to you its over and I'm not coming back?".<P>Like I said, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this happen and how they answered or handled it. I'd particularly like to know if anyone moved on to recovery from this kind of atttitude from the WS.

I've had this exact same line from my WH too - along with "Do you want me to come back just because I feel sorry for you, and sentence myself to a lifetime of misery" Ha Ha - I can laugh about lines like these now, because they are just from the standard WS 'script'. Don't take any notice of her - she's still in the fog and 'temporarily insane'.<P>Best wishes, Paint.

I heard it too. Then he came back within 3 weeks. 4 months almost into recovery past that here. He says he said that at the time, he thought that at the time, but really was very confused inside. Thought it would make it easier for me and it made him feel better too about what he was doing. Like Paint said, I've heard it so many times here it is part of the WS script. I think they all say it at some point it seems. Chin up, I knw how hard it is , cry if you have to, but don't get mad. I was doing a sort of Plan A without knowing about it at the time. Kept reminding him subtly I was his wife, he was my husband, we missed him, the door was open, but didn't push.<P>

I, too, am dealing with similar lines from my H, although I am the WS in this situation. Two days ago he said to me, "I'm only here because you asked me to stay. You wanted me to give it time, so here I am. But I'm not going to feel any different six months from now."<P>This hit me like...well, a ton of bricks. It sounded so final. But then I started thinking..."actions speak louder than words." And if that's true, then the fact that he's still here with me is what I should focus on, not what he's saying. It seems that if he really knew FOR CERTAIN that it wouldn't work, then why would he drag it out? Why wouldn't he leave now? Why would he bother to give it time?<P>Little things like that are where I find my comfort. I hope you can, too.<P>calla

AH,<P>They all think they aren't coming back, but they simply have no idea what they are going to do. They aren't living according to a plan. I've heard similar lines, not exact, but same message.<P>I'd not focus on that. YOu can use the usual lines about how you are committed to the marriage, love her, etc....and then move on. Got to wait for the dust to settle.

Thanks to all of you for your replies.<P>The reply that I always wanted to use was "How about coming out of the closet and admitting to everyone how you feel about this OP?"<P>But of course, this would be a big LB! One can dream, though.<P>Actually, it is this very fact that my wife WANTS to keep this relationship under wraps as much as possible that keeps me going and gives me hope. Even though I have revealed what is going on months ago, she still continues like everything is normal and we are just separated because we have problems.<P>Like Calla said, little things like that give you some hope... <p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited June 12, 2001).]

I was told about a month ago that my H (WS) definitely wanted to divorce. He claimed that was his final decision. He's been back home now for a couple of weeks, and we're starting on the road to recovery.<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>That is wonderful. Thanks for passing it along! You prove that there is always hope!

Scared WROTE "I heard it too. Then he came back within 3 weeks. 4 months almost into recovery past that here. He says he said that at the time, he thought that at the time, but really was very confused inside. Thought it would make it easier for me and it made him feel better too about what he was doing. Like Paint said, I've heard it so many times here it is part of the WS script. I think they all say it at some point it seems."<P>Sorry for putting quotes to show the part of your post I want to comment on, but I don't know how to make it Bold, so everyone will know this is from a previous thread...<P>Anyway, Scared wrote this line, and then he was back within 3 weeks, so this is like a "last gasp" from a dying WS??? <P>Also, Paint wrote "...you want me to come back cuase I feel sorry for you..." etc....See, the thing is, my H will NOT return my phone calls, has told his entire family that we will ONLY talk through our lawyers (I don't have one, don't need one, haven't been served div. papers, yet, although he DID mail me settlement papers, figuring I would sign with NO contesting! HA!!)<P>So I suppose what I'm asking is: I'm always thinking that there is NO WAY IN H*LL that he'll back off his position...would you all say I'm just in shock, and this whole "staying away, talk to my lawyer" thing is part of the "cover-up, guilt" whatever, and it really isn't as hopeless as he wants me to think? I'm in Plan A whenever possible, but it's hard when he WILL NOT talk to me, or return my calls (I DON'T harrass him, but sometimes need to talk to him about important financial matters, HE WON"T RETURN ANY CALLS, PERIOD.)<P>Any suggestions welcome, please.<P>Thanks, Lupo

I too have had the same comments thrown at me while trying to make the marriage work after the A. I'm in Plan A an the question I have is when is it obvious that the W is staying only because of financial and security reasons.<P>I know this is 100% true for me since she does show happiness now and then, but she did admit to me that she has stayed for these reasons. Your thoughts appreciated - I'm doing better tonight - who knows why though.

Interestingly, I got just the opposite from my WS. She couldn't break it off with me, so I did. She clings in her own way to our lives together, and she has dropped comments like, 'maybe one day we'll be together'.<P>The problem with this is it makes me the 'backup guy' in case her new relationship doesn't work out, and it turns her into the 'victim'. Sorry mom, I don't have a choice, he (Redon) ended it with me. It relieves her guilt a little bit. But who the hell wants to be the backup guy?<P>Penzman, not a great situation, but you can use those reasons to gain a foothold, if you choose. Plan A her big time, if you're doing it right, you'll build the love back, slowly but surely. Good luck!

AH - I think you got your answer. I just wanted to add a little to it. <P>It's really amazing some of the things that can be said in all seriousness by these aliens. One of my wife's favorite retreats is that, "I've bent over backwards to make this easier on you." The "this" is the disolution of our marriage. Remember, she's NOT having an affair. Her friendship with OM has nothing to do with "our problems."<P>Another argument she has is that she can't understand how I could want to save our marriage, but I can't be friends with her if we don't save it. She just doesn't get the trust thing.<P>Based on the prevalence of stories about how they can change their minds, we have to hang on until we exhaust our strength.<P>WAT

WAT-<P>I, too, get the response that her affair with the OP has nothing to do with our problems. "I would have left you anyway" is another favorite one. She is trying to protect this bubble she is in at all costs. Even after I have revealed the affair to my kids and her parents, she wants to go along like nothing has happened. Life is normal. The only thing is, my kids aren't biting it and continue to give her a hard time about the whole situation. Hopefully, this will lead to a solution soon. It's so hard to be patient at times!

wat,<P>I got the same line from H during/post-EMR. That his relationship w/ XOW had nothing to do with "us." Hullo!!! If she weren't in the picture, I would not have had the resentment that I had. If he hadn't been involved with her, I would have felt a lot more motivated to truly save our marriage. What are we supposed to do - ignore the obvious? I'm sorry, but I took H's relationship with XOW as a very personal slight. It was difficult, almost impossible, for me to foresee a future with my H in it as long as they were still in contact.<P>These people just do not get it.<P>belld

DId we ever get this question? But of course, I think it's part of the manual of instructions for basicaly all affairs.<P>3 months in recovery my h said" DId I really say that?"<BR>around 5 months in recovery he added" I had to be out of my mind!"<BR>1 year: " I thought i would never say this, but am I glad you didn't listen to me!"<P>Now, 3 years after " If I ever again approach you with that kind of talk, please hit me on the head with a hammer "<P>SO don't take it too literally. It seems to be part of the whole affair thing,<P>Hugs<BR>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

Hi AH,<P>The infamous line...... the standard BS responses may vary a bit. In the outcome it really doesnt matter what we say. After trying to reason with the brick wall, I said, 'ok'. <P>The response I got was: "what"? My answer was the same vague, 'ok'. Confusion in the fog. Oh, that became my goal. <P>Let her do all the hard work, just step back watch and periodically say 'ok', just to let her know that you are listening. Then she will wonder (which is good for stimulating the gray cells), why did my H say 'ok'? Hm....<P>They are their own worst enemy but want to put all the blame on you. Let your kids show her up for what she is, you just watch. Ok?<P>Then one day the fog will pass. It may come back for a while but it will not be as thick. <P>L.<BR>