about 2 months ago, I ran into an ex-boyfriend who I never quite got over... I have been married for two years and have a nine month old daughter... I ended up going over to my ex's house and he kissed me; I kissed him back, and then he started touching me, I freaked out and left... I can't sleep, I've lost 15 pounds cause I have no appetite, and I am truely disgusted about my actions and lack of judgement... I have not told my husband about this, yet, I know for sure that he will divorce me if I tell him, but I also know that nothing like this will EVER happen again... What should I do??? I will forever live with tremendous guilt and remorse...

I am so sorry for the pain and guilt you are going through. You made a poor judgment call but, to your credit, you stopped things before they got out of hand.<P>This website is about building marriages, and often about rebuilding them after affairs. So you have come to the right place. <P>I would suggest that you start out by reading all of the information on this website. Then read the books Surviving an Affair; His Needs, Her Needs; and Lovebusters. These are all by Dr. Harley and available on this website, at many books stores and through Amazon.com. These books will give you the road map of what you need to do to get yourself and your marriage back on track.<P>It is very important that you not see your old boyfriend (OM – other man) again. The “Surviving and Affair” book discusses the issue of no contact and has an example of the no-contact letter. Sending out this letter and never having any contact again is the first thing you must do.<P>One thing that you will find is that an affair usually does not brake up a marriage. It is instead a warning that something is wrong with the marriage. The books I have suggested (and no I do not get a commission) will help you.<P>If you want support in how to approach and tell him of this, I know that the people on this forum will be very glad to help you determine your approach. One thing you might want to do is to have a counseling session with someone at MB’s, they can help you with how to tell him. <P>Once you have read the material and have a plan for helping your husband handle your affair and for guiding the way for your marriage to recover, then you must tell him what happened. When you do tell him, after he’s calmed down, ask him to read the “Surviving an Affair” book. You can have him come here to this forum too. We have many couples that both post here. My husband (SeenTheLight) and I both do. Not to minimize your situation, but there are many of us BS (betrayed spouses) here who wish that our WS (wayward spouses) had stopped at the point you did.)<P>The dishonesty that surrounds affairs is one of the most damaging aspects of an affair. <P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Since you were able to control the situation and get out of it as quick as possible may I suggest you go for pastoral counseling alone to deal with your guilt and remorse before you decide what to do. <P>If you believe your husbnd will leave knowing you were able to get out of the situation I find this to be a warning sign to you that perhaps it may be better left unknown to him for your own safety and that of your new family. I also suggest you look into post partum depression and look at why you were feeling so needy. How has your support system been since your daughter was born? That could be the root of the problem.<P>Get yourself together before you make the decision to tell your husband. EAT take care of both your husband and daughter, enjoy life and both of them. Do not tell him now when you are a mess. Better to get your life in order first and take care of them 100 % now so you can deal with the confession when and if it happens. If you do it now when you are depressed already you will just sink deeper and hurt not only yourself but your baby who needs a 100% healthy mom and a husband who needs a good wife right now.<P>I think the ex friend of yours reminded you of a stress free time in your life, pre marraige pre children and that was the lure.

Wow-let me start off with a light note-15pounds-I wish I could do it. Anyway. You had a level enough head to get out of there before anything happened. Are you missing something form your husband?? A lack of attention-or maybe he just doesn't compliment you the way he used to-or by seeing your ex brought back memories of better times. You ex obviously flattered you in a way that got you over to his house. But think about this-what does it say about his character knowing your were married and had a child. Not much. He was willing to come between a family. You had a momentary lapse of insanity-you were caught up in the feel good moment. Say nothing-because nothing really happened. As long as you keep it that way-never talk or see him again. Over time-you'll forget. Just be as pleasant and nice as you can. And I wouldn't call it cheating so to speak. Once a mistake, 2x you're a fool,3x he's a fool(your husband that is) Everyone makes mistakes and you were quick enough to not let it go any farther. And if you know in your heart of hearts it won;t happen again-let it go.

Fullnest & beautiful gave you good advice.<P>I still think you would be benefit from reading the books. The reason I suggested reading them is that some of your emotional needs are not being met in your marriage or you would not have gone to your X-boyfriend's. You are vulnerable to an affair. The suggested reading will help you know what to do even if you never tell your husband about the incident.<P>I know that in my marriage I would tell my H about the incident as tough as the admit ion would be. I would do it because we now have an agreement of total honesty. His knowing this would let him know how vulnerable I. This way he could help me deal with it and help protect our marriage. To loosely quote Dr. Harley, there is never room in a marriage for anything less then total honesty. Lies of omission are still lies of omission.<P>One question is whether or not what you did constitutes as affair? A one-night stand is an affair. So perhaps this is a very short emotional affair (EA) or an almost physical affair (PA). I think it is definitely an EA and probably a PA.<P>Knowing what I know now about marriages and dealing with affairs, if my spouse told me what you've told us here. I'd use the knowledge as a barometer. The transgression is not a big one, but it has potential to grow and it is causing harm in your marriage.<P>The question as to why you think your H will leave you is a valid one. Is it just because you believe anyone would under such circumstances or is he abusive or unreasonable? Could you answer this? <P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I agree with Zorweb that you should read all the articles on this sight and make sure you understand the ramifications of what you did and ensure that it will never happen again using Harleys methods. Affair-proof your marriage not only for you but for your husband as well since he could possibly do similar if you dont take drastic steps to secure your marriage now.<P>I think that it is up to you to translate the "honesty" secion of this website and weigh the pro's and con's of an admission to your husband. Frankly from what you have told us so far I would keep it to myself for the time being. I see more con's in your admission at this point. However more information on your husband is needed for me to advise you further.<P>Get yourself together and beat this depression you are in. The best time to make a decision is with a clear head. If you are not eating and sleeping your head is a mess. Perhaps with your newborn you have not been taking care of yourself the past year or so and your ex-friend looked exciting. My affair happened after the birth of my 2nd child and I went into it depressed. It only made me more depressed and I drank to ease that. Nothing worked until I ended it and confessed to my husband. However it was not just a kiss and brief temptation. It lasted for way too long. Was very destructive to many.<P>Get yourself in order and take care of your family.

The reason that I know he would leave is that it would crush him to think that I have such a lack of respect and love for him and our marriage to let myself be in a situation like that to begin with... Let alone be attracted to anyone else...

Yes, Beautiful, has made the point much better then I did. <P>Take care of yourself first. Then, when you have a clear head assess what to do. But in the meantime read read read and post post post.<P>You are still vulnerable to having an affair. And if you are your H probably is to. You need to affair proof your marriage. You have been lucky enough to find this website before your marriage has suffered any real damage.<P>Let us know how you are doing.<P>Z

If that's why you think he would leave you and you do not feel that you are in any physical threat then that's good.<P>What I have found out in my situation and in the ones on this web site is that a spouse’s love is usually much stronger then that. Read the posts here and you will see what I mean. <P>Z<BR>