Hi Ssorci, <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ssorci:<BR><B>My H is deeply under the influence of OW. And although he says he loves me and wants our marriage to work, he is not ready to separate from OW. We are still living together, and it is killing me every time I look him in the eyes knowing that he is still seeing her. I've been in Plan A for 2 1/2 months. It is reallly, really hard. Anyone else experiencing what I am? Have any suggestions on how to survive?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I see that you are new here. I thought it best to give you your own post. I would like to welcome you to MB.com. Here are some links that will be helpful for you to read up on:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>There are many tools here besides this discussion forum that help us to learn the basic concepts and principals used here at MB. The experiences of many here often help us make personal application. Normally one posts to the Just found out thread where they are able to briefly share their story. The GQII site is where most of us visit but often visit more than one site depending on our need and interests. <P>What you are going through are primarily the beginning stages of withdrawal. You are currently on that roller coaster ride of emotions and until your Ws completely cuts off contact your marriage will not be able to continue to heal and recover. In my case, H moved home 5 weeks ago after being out for 4 months and previous to that had a 4 month ea/pa with OW. OW's are a strong manipulative bunch. Now WS is on the verge of losing his family. So withdrawal comes in many stages. Some go to the divorce level and then come back. Others wise up sooner than other and some never recover. I wish I could tell you exactly where you will be but if your H really wants his family back, he needs to show you where he is meeting your family's needs. Has he taken the EN questionnaire test? Have you visited a counselor or chatted with Steve or Jennifer? There are phone counselation available. <P>I looked at your profile, I believe we are not that far away from each other. I hope you can read up on the books and other useful tools available here. You may have a better chance for recovery than others but most of it rests on your H's attitude. You may just have to read, apply, watch and wait. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 15, 2001).]

Hi Sscorci,<P>I saw your recent post on the thread to [H]. I am sending this to the top for you. <P>L.

I second that. Bad thing about a huge thread, it's a lot to tredge through. A lot also gets missed. So I'll bump your post up with my reply from the "Keep the faith" thread.<P>Ssorci,<BR>I spoke of my wife being in plan A also. I said it was a very wierd time for me. Thats very much true. At that time I was still hiding some things from her. When she all ready knew what was going on. I fell into a stage of "We are just friends, nothing is going on" Even after denying acusations to the end.<P>It was almost surreal. On one hand my wife was almost ignoring me. To a point where it looked like she didn't even care. Meanwhile I carried the affair on right in front of her eyes. At times I wondered myself, ("She must know whats going on? She has got to know? She knows I'm hiding things, I see it in her questions, even the questions she doesn't ask.") The whole thought of her knowing about it, and almost allowing it to happen right in front of her eyes scared me, bothered me on many levels. I expected serious repercussions.<P>I started to think a lot of things then like ("Well if she knows that I know, that she knows.") Type of confusing statements, and ("Why isn't she yelling at me? Why doesn't she say anything?") So then it led me into thinking ("She doesn't know whats going on, maybe is paritial aware. She doesn't know all the details. Maybe she's worried about it, but doesn't have all the details because I've been hiding them")<P>Fact is, she knew fast, and she knew a lot. Even the details that weren't point blank she knew allready. I said at one point. I seriously underestimated her. That's a good thing. Because I hadn't expected her to find out. I hadn't expected a lot of things. My story was simple, partially true at the time. I wanted to find a better life. To get out of the state we were in. To get a better job, where I could be more appreciated for my long hours I put in. To do a lot of things. At the time of my affair, these thoughts did not include my wife.<P>I wanted things all right, but I wanted these things for myself. The very fact I was seemingly getting away with everything right in front of her face was Scary to me. Foreign. I never lied to my wife before my affair. I had nothing to lie about. So lying has a tendancy to bite you in the [censored] if your not used to doing it.<P>When I came home from my (A) I had some bags from the trip. I was so tired when I came home. I also remember telling my wife. Don't go through my things, I will deal with them later. Don't do this or touch my stuff. Clear indicator, that I was hiding something. I'd never said anything like that before, and if I had thought about it more to cover the affair I would have told her, if she wants to go ahead and do whatever she wanted with my luggage.<P>So as a result she went through my things, and found some things that I knew she'd find if she went through them. First mistake for me. Trying to hide it.<P>Now how does this all fit your wondering? I pretended like nothing was going on. Pretended that nothing had happened. Pretended like I didn't know, that she knew, and I wasn't trying to hide things. Did a lot of lying, and a lot of pretending during her plan A.<P>Her support I believe was this site and many books. She's got a regular library of books for learning, growing, and understanding Affairs, Marriages, ect. Primarily her support was here, and the good people of this site. A question perhaps, better asked of her <P>I'll point this out to her, and perhaps she can give you more insight as to what helped her get through each day.<P>------------------<BR>[H] / Aeon Blue<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.<BR>

Ssorci--<P>What you are living with is oh, so hard. I am still living with my H who is still seeing OW. Says he loves her. I even heard him tell her on phone he loved her.<P>Says he no longer feels that way about me. Says he doesn't want to be with me. Says he is 'preparing' to move out.<P>It has been 8 weeks since d-day. He hasn't left yet.<P>How do I live through it? <P>#1. went on an antidepressant<BR>#2. read everything I can on this website and the books<BR>#3. deepening my relationship with God<BR>#4. post, post, post, post<BR>#5. changing myself FOR myself not because of A<P>(these are not in any particular order )<P>I live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute--sometimes second by second. I have put together for myself a network of people who support me and with whom I can talk. I do 'selfish' things FOR myself.<P>I ignore a lot of his behavior and his talk. Easy? NO! but necessary.<P>I also called the MB counseling center and had a helpful session this a.m. If you can afford it, I recommend it.<P>Learn all you can. Take care of yourself.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

Page 5. <BR>Knewjie my wife also responded to your post.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009580-5.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009580-5.html</A> <P>Theres a link to it <P>------------------<BR>[H] / Aeon Blue<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

Ssorci,<P>We still have not heard how you are doing. Just checking this morning. Please let us know. <P>L.

Up again.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ssorci:<BR><B>Dear (H's)Wife,<P>Thank you so much for taking time to respond to me and provide me with much needed support. <P>Yes, I have read "Surviving an Affair" and have read it through several times. I also purchased the tapes of His Needs Her Needs and both my H and I have been listening to them. They're fabulous. I wish that I had had access to them prior to my H's A. My H and I have also had a couple of sessions with Dr. Steve Harley and I found the support that he provides to be very helpful. I've been on antidepressents now for about 3 weeks and am just beginning to feel the positive effects of the medication. My H just started 3 days ago and of course they're not helping yet, but hopefully soon. <P>I find my H very difficult to be around. His level of anexity is so high, it's like watching someone come down from a high on drugs. His hands shake, he has difficulty talking in complete sentences and making sense. He is so anxious that I'm afraid that he will do something stupid. He has on occassion talked about committing suicide. This really scares me. Watching what my H is going through emotionally, is the most difficult thing I have ever done. And the effect that it has on our children is devastating. My oldest son (10 yrs old) knows about the A and is experiencing anxiousness, insecurity about the stability of his family unit and has become very withdrawn. I have arranged for him to begin counseling this next week, and I try and spend plenty of quiet time with him helping him to release and vent the feelings he is builing inside of him.<P>There are times, especially when I see my children hurting, that I would like to strangle my H and the OW. They are so into themselves that they are totally unaware of the path of destruction they have left in their wake. And by the time the fog lifts for them, the damage will have already been so severe that the road to recovery for all will be long and tedious. And the pain continues............<P>I do remind myself often that I need to take this time in our marriage one moment at a time. Of course saying this and doing this are two different things. <P>I've joined an all women's gym, begun power walking during my lunch hour at work, joined an infidelity support group, and generally over all started taking better care of myself. Being a mother of three children, ages 6 to 20 years of age, I very rarely ever thought of my needs. I was always putting the kids and my H first. I now reallize that that was destructive to myself. And I'm learning to better balance the care and support that I need and deserve. <P>I am so happy that Dr. Harley recommended this Discussion Forum to me. I really appreciate all of your support. I know that my H and I have a long way to go, and knowing that you are all here will be great!<P>I'll be posting and reading your posts often and hope to hear from all of you regularly.<P>Peace and healing,<BR>Shelly Sorci<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Shelly,<P>I'm moving your post over here beaucse I don't want you to get lost in the other thread. It's quite long <P>I'll respond to you more later. Hang in there!<P>K/LostNco/DSN<BR>[H]'s wife

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>Hi Ssorci, <P> <BR>I see that you are new here. I thought it best to give you your own post. I would like to welcome you to MB.com. Here are some links that will be helpful for you to read up on:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>There are many tools here besides this discussion forum that help us to learn the basic concepts and principals used here at MB. The experiences of many here often help us make personal application. Normally one posts to the Just found out thread where they are able to briefly share their story. The GQII site is where most of us visit but often visit more than one site depending on our need and interests. <P>What you are going through are primarily the beginning stages of withdrawal. You are currently on that roller coaster ride of emotions and until your Ws completely cuts off contact your marriage will not be able to continue to heal and recover. In my case, H moved home 5 weeks ago after being out for 4 months and previous to that had a 4 month ea/pa with OW. OW's are a strong manipulative bunch. Now WS is on the verge of losing his family. So withdrawal comes in many stages. Some go to the divorce level and then come back. Others wise up sooner than other and some never recover. I wish I could tell you exactly where you will be but if your H really wants his family back, he needs to show you where he is meeting your family's needs. Has he taken the EN questionnaire test? Have you visited a counselor or chatted with Steve or Jennifer? There are phone counselation available. <P>I looked at your profile, I believe we are not that far away from each other. I hope you can read up on the books and other useful tools available here. You may have a better chance for recovery than others but most of it rests on your H's attitude. You may just have to read, apply, watch and wait. <P>Take Care,<BR>L. <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 15, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Orchid and everyone else who so lovingly took time from their own schedule to reply,<P>I appreicate your wonderful gesture of providing me with my own post. That was so sweet of you. I have posted a more detailed response to your post to me on "Keep the Faith".<P>I'm doing OK. I pray alot. I reach way down deep inside looking to find strength and endurance and most of the time I find it. There are those times when I think God, it would be so much easier to just give up. But I know that I would never forgive myself if I didn't do all that I could. My children (ages 6 to 20) need me and my H counts on me for strength and support. <P>I love my H. He asks me often how I could care so much for him when he has hurt me so deeply and continues to hurt me. My love for my H and my family is unconditional. This kind of love is the kind that sees God's people through the good and the bad. And right now, life is very bad. But I know that their is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm determined to keep going until I see it.<P>Yes, the MB website has been wonderful. The books the tapes and Dr. Steve Harley have all been very supportive. I could not have come this far had I not accidentally discovered this website in April when I first found out about the A. <P>My H is so heavily under the influence of the OW right now, that even though he sincerely wants to separate from her, he can't. He tells me often that he knows what he has here with me and the children and doesn't want to risk loosing it. He tells me that he is a sick man and needs help. He has begun antidepressents and has spoken once with Dr Harley. <P>Are there any H's out there that can relate to my H? Please post your response and tell us how you separated from the OW and what worked for you. My H is a mess and needs your support. I'd like to be able to share your responses with him and get him going on the Dissusion Forum so that he can begin to receive the support that he so badly needs.<P>Peace and healing,<BR>Shelly Sorci<P><P>------------------<BR>Shelly