I heard from my H today and he said he was going to try to come home for good this weekend? <P>He has been living with OW since he moved out 11/19. D date was 3/29. He has tried 2 times to come back and always the samething happens, he talks to OW then bam!, I'm left crying my eyes out because he can't leave her.<P>I'm leaving for a 3wk vacation on the 21st. with the children. We need to get away.<BR> <BR>Could he really be telling me the truth? Or am I just going to have the door shut in my face again? <P>I am planning to use my time away to see what I really want, him or divorce. The pain of the last 11wks after D-day has been so unbearable I just need this over.<P>What is your catch on this?<P>H has always said he is comming back, does not want a divorce. Am I hoping on nothing?

Why is he waiting until the weekend, why can't he do it now? The only advice I have for you is TALK IS CHEAP, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! If he doesn't do it this time, I think Plan B is in order, and give him the Plan B letter b4 u leave for your vacation.

Not sure if this was directed to me specifically or not. Caught my attention none the less.<P>He said, he was going to try to come home for good. Have to wonder whats going on. Did he have a fight with OW? Is he coming back to you just because of that reason. As I turned to my wife too, when I fought with (OW) as we said, well this is it. I don't know.<P>It's interesting though, I'm sure you're wondering the same thing. Even my wife wondered in the beginning if I was really serious about coming back. If I was really serious about working on my marriage. Since I had told her. Yeah i'll work on things, and we can have a future again.<P>Thing is. I said those things, I didn't feel them yet. Your husband is on the same path I was on. Baby steps. Take it calmly and easily. Let him show you what he wants. I had to show my wife what I wanted. Not just respond to her questions. This time she see's a definate change with me. She knows i'm coming home, she knows I wont be going back.<P>Because I am showing her these things with my intentions, my words, and my actions. She can see clearly, what it is I am doing.<P>She's not worried it's just more BS and crap out of my mouth, and I am just agree'ing because i've had a fight with (OW) she knows because I am showing her. In my words and actions.<P>Theres a piece of information you left out. Did you call him? Did he call you? How did he sound? Was he very "Reluctant?"<P>I believe when I called my wife and told her things like "I'm coming home" I said it. I never showed it. My wife asked me specifically, about (OW) if I would send a letter of (No contact) I did so. I was just going to avoid (OW) at first, and just stop communication. Rather then give an explanation of why I was going to contact her anymore.<P>I did send her a no contact letter. This was action, this reaffirmed things. That helped us. My actions were in sync now with what I was saying. Instead of just saying something, and doing the opposite. I stuck to my decision. I stuck to my choice. I did so with action. It was "My choice" I wanted that. I didn't want it, because my wife wanted it. I wanted it for me.<P>------------------<BR>[H] / Aeon Blue<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 14, 2001).]

Yes this was directed to you.<BR>H has been saying all along he would be back. He never wanted me to push it. Any time I had it always backfired. I really do beleive him especially since he told his bestfriend the same thing. <BR> The other strange thing is, when he left he was using a company cell phone for me and OW to contact him. He returned it last Monday and it now is in the hands of his boss. <BR>I am very worried that he will continue with the OW while I am away. Also why now, when I'm leaving to helpheal and decide what I plan to do,Divorce of not.<P>I had already given him the plan B letter last weekend. He still contacted me. If he does not make it home at least I'll be far enough away(SPAIN),so plan B can be done. I'll just have to have the children call him at work and not speak with him.<P>If he does make it I would like him to go to counceling while Im away and I will need some type of proof. Should I tell him I want to see a card from the councelor dated and signed. Or should I just trust that he did? His friend said that he would call the OW and giver he a piece of his mind then my H said do not call her things are very volitile right now. What does that mean?<P>I'm soooo tired, so are my children. <P>Thank you for your side of things. I pray things continue to improve for you and your wife. <P>

So he's telling his friends he wants to get back with you. He's giving his phone up to his boss so she can't contact him. He's reluctant to burn that bridge with her. "Don't call her things are volitile". He sounds like he's getting out of the fog. Sounds like reassuring steps to me.<P>Enforcing words with action. Giving the phone back to his boss. Provided thats the reason he gave it back. You can ask him for things that reassure you. I know it sounds bad, I too in the beginning said it sounded strange that my wife would want me to do this or that, with some proof. Why not ask him for some proof of his counseling. After all he has to help rebuild that trust with you. If that eases your mind, then he should understand and see that. If not point it out. Say i've not got a lot of reason to trust your intentions right now. I ask these simple things out of respect for both you and I. That you are showing a genuine effort to work on the marriage.<P>If he doesn't understand, and he may not at first, how he's tore down a lot of trust between you. Ask for these things. Just do it gently. As it may also push him the other way, making it sound like your placing blame, or saying negative things.<P>He's not going to want to work on anything if he feels your blaming him. Yes he is to blame for his (A) let him take the responcibility on his own for that.<P>His friend getting involved in things is only bad news. If his friend chooses sides, it's gonna be some serious fireworks. His support will also disappear. He's talking to his friend, and his friend sounds like he wants your husband to do the right thing. So don't cut his support off either.<P>If his friend is choosing sides, thats not good. It'll backfire. This happened with me. I basically shut this person out of my life, I felt I couldn't trust them anymore, or that anything I said would go straight to my wife. This person was my support, and I cut them out of my life.<P>Perhaps your plan B letter really shook him up. Some of us when we see the end is drawing near. We panic, and then things escalate even more. We start ask more and more questions as if time is running out. This is perhaps whats he's doing.<P>I did this. As soon as I found out my wife had filed for divorce. I got this sinking feeling in my stomach, genuine sorrow. At times I thought "Well this is it. I guess I am going down with the ship, my time has run out". This was me in this particular scenario. I read she filed for divorce, and I kept thinking, and thinking as soon as I read that on the D/D board here.<P>My friend reminded me. It wasn't to late. I could change tracks. I could go another way, I could stop running, and put a hold on the divorce. I could work on my marriage still. That it wasn't to late.<P>It's too late. I said that many times myself during my afair. It's to late to fix things. It's to late to stop now. It's to late to talk to my wife. It's to late for her to fix things with me. It's to late... <BR>It's not...<BR>It's never to late. <BR>I heard my friends words over and over. It's not to late man. It will take time, but its not to late. "Time was of the essence at that point for me" It was only a matter of time before I got papers in the mail.<P>He has to make a concerted effort to show you that he means buisness. He's destroyed a lot of trust, and he's got to help rebuild that. He has to earn your trust again, you do that with positive actions. Things that you and he can clearly see is a benefit to both of you.<P>------------------<BR>[H] / Aeon Blue<P>My advice is my advice. Take the good, disgard the bad. Do whats right for you. Not because I said it worked for me.

I thank you again. I'll do my best to support him as much as I can. I do want everything to work out.<P>

Also wanted to comment as I looked at the topic of your post again. Should I trust him.<P>I found it interesting in the affair. I told (OW) I trusted her. Fact is I never trusted her. I never trusted my wife during my (A) either.<P>I often heard from (OW) ("You have to trust me") I too said these things. Trying to reassure something that was never going to happen. It's interesting we spent a lot of time doing this. A lot of time trying to reassure each other that we needed to trust one another. When there was no way that was going to happpen, and no way it could happen.<P>How could I trust (OW)? I mean after all we're having an (A). Thats not something to build trust on. That fact that she was cheating on her husband and I on my wife. This didn't make me sleep well at night.<P>Which brings me to an interesting point. (OW) lied often, and lied a lot. She'd bury me with all these little lies. Which only says "I can't make this lie stick, so I will add to it" Try and make it more credible<P>We see this often in our lives. Someone can not make a decent lie stick, so they keep adding to it. Until you have no idea whats truth, whats lie, and whats more lie burying the original lie. <P>All I can say is. (OW) has had way to much practice lying. I started to believe some of the things she was telling me. I started to believe the lies. Even when she was reaching out with what seemed like truth saying "I've done a lot of things you are unaware of in my past. Dark things" <P>So be it. Might be a little piece of truth in there after all.<P>Given that said. I'm not exempt from lying either. I lied to her often in our (A). So no I wasn't perfect.<P>I know (OW's) been reading. I'm sure (Ow's) read everything I've written about myself, her, and my wife. Only hope that she see's the good in the sitation and takes care of her own marriage.<P>But I thought I would share something I remember thinking about at one time during my (A) that which is "I can't trust her, and she can't trust me"<P>While this post doesn't specifically say. Should you trust your husband. It may help you understand some feelings your husband might be expierencing during the (A)<P>He might be cautious towards you as well. I was very untrusting of my wife during my affair. I wanted to know what she was up to at all times. Make sure I was ready for the ultimate retribution I assumed was coming for me.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 15, 2001).]

<BR>[H]<BR>Thank you again for your ideas. Who better to ask then someone who has been in the FOG. I hope that someday my H will start using this MB to help with his questions or concerns.<P>He is a wonderful man and just got lost for a while, I love him and want things to get better.<P>GOD BLESS<BR>Lostinny