THE STORY SO FAR-------------<BR> My h has kept a secret fom me for 30 yrs. During the 70,s he was in his late 30s. He met a woman 14 yrs younger than himself through a mutual group of friends.I was working and managing a house and family so I never became suspicious that he was having an affair. <P> He was extremely careful and limited his activities to the afternoons when he was supposedly working.They both agreed that should they be found out then that would be the end of the affair this,of course,gave them the incentive to be very secretive.This part of the affair came to an end without my knowledge in the 1980s when she returned to her own country with her husband.By the time the 90s arrived she was divorced and looking for a new partner.<P> She returned here for a holiday and, as a friend of the family ,invited any one of us who might be passing through to visit her.Since she lived in a capital city it was easy for him to make a stopover when bound for other destinations this he did for the whole of the 90s.(I wonder how many stopover affairs there are out there.It is the perfect opportunity and hard to detect)<P> I did not become suspicious until Christmas 2000 when he said he was going to take a holiday in the country where she lives. For the first time I was free to travel with him so I said I will come with you .He told me I was not invited and that he wanted a holiday by himself. We have had separate holidays on other occasions for various reasons so although I was by now very suspicious I thought I wont make waves at this stage..As you all know once suspicion is aroused the clues are coming thick and fast so I kept a a very careful track of what was happening including an on-line credit card trail which finally took me to an out of town meal for two followed by one hotel room.I was now 100% sure and confronted him on the next occasion that he cheerfully rang home. <P> He admitted to the affair and,after consulting with ow , they did as they had originally agreed to do all those years before and finished the affair at that point.(It was about to end in any case my h had decided it had finally run its course) She was the one who said no further contact and even wrote me a cute little note apologising for all the pain she had caused but minimising and trivialising the affair by claiming that initially it had been just a little bit exra for both of them but in the 90s it had become,for her, much more serious .She being on her own. Her search for a suitable partner had obviously settled on my h there being 10 yrs of groundwork previously and of course having limited contact the affair flourished ---absence making the heart grow fonder.There were regular letters and phone calls but face to face (so to speak) was only once a year for about a week or ten days.<BR> <BR> It had become more like a another marriage without the hassles.She certainly catered to his needs.Her plan A was working very well and I think she was quietly moving into plan B which was, of course, to get him all to herself.Unfortunately for her my husband is very resistant to suggestion and she was firmly fixed in his mind as a mistress that being the only role he could assign to her in his life.It needed at this time to progress into reality the fantasy had worn thin. The answer was that they reluctantly agreed to go their separate ways and get on with their real lives.<BR> <BR> Now that the secret is out in the open and the affair is finally at an end the problem is how cope with 30 lost years which for me have to be re-assesssed to accommodate the invisible cuckoo.To begin with I didnt fully appreciate what a destructive and damaging phenomenon an affair actually is.So I have written an account of my beliefs about affairs in general and also a letter to her in particular. <P> My H wants to forgive and forget and get on with our lives as if nothing had ever happened but I need to know exactly what it is that I am forgiving and forgetting so I have also written a letter to the ow mainly to clarify to myself the scale and importance of the affair.The following is a reply to the card I received from her I am shocked to think that she thinks a cheap card can put such an enormous act of betrayal to rights or am I wrong maybe there is a gap in the market there for infidelity cards think of the possibilities a good old triangle can throw up .<P> What I really need to know is whether I send it or whether to dig a hole in the garden and bury it. <P>You may ask why I am doing this ? The answer is by not replying to her note I am condoning her attitude and also in effect I am suffering the greatest degree of the emotional pain for the least amount of pleasure.I was happy in my ignorance until the finale when it was so obvious what was happening that I couldnt fail to discover.I ,therefore, Ifeel as if I have been left to carry far more than my share of the distress felt by all concerned .Sending the letter, in my mind ,will share the pain and relieve me of some of this intolerable burden of more than half my life in ruins. <BR> <BR> I have spoken to a number of people about this and have had a very mixed response .I would really appreciate some feedback from some of you who are in the same situation<P>all comments welcome.<P> <BR>LETTER TO OW<P> Thankyou for taking the trouble to write to me and also to suggest that all further communication cease.To me that is the only acceptable outcome in the circumstances.<P> I would,however,take issue with some of your attitudes and present you with my side of the triangle.A side which appears to have been very consistently and carefully ignored.The only concern being that I should never find out. Mainly,I would think,to protect the affair.Sparing my feelings was only relevant in the sense that my hurt feelings would inevitably bring to an end something that you were very anxious to preserve. <BR> <BR> To this end you were very successful for a very long time,one reason being that as you represented yourself as a friend of the family .I trusted you .You betrayed that trust over and over again particularly in 1990 when you were a guest in my house.You saw what I had and decided that you would like to have some, if not all, of it. I cannot understand a mentality that can be so devastatingly selfish and destructive. <BR> <BR> When you say that ***** was something extra for you.For you to take something extra meant that there was ,and still ,is a deficit in my life.You cannot take away the other half of a persons life without destroying the whole.So I can safely say that you successfully and absolutely trashed the marriage that I thought that I had for all those years. <BR> <BR> He gave you love and attention At that time when I needed those commodities badly.I was trying to cope with a full time job a demanding two year old and renovations to a dump of a house. I was the regular breadwinner and since***** income was unreliable.It was a very stressful time <P> I was getting abuse and harrassment physical,mental and verbal .Anything that went wrong for ****ended up being indirectly my fault. He was incapable of taking responsibility for his own mistakes and I was the dumping ground for all his unwanted emotions.Our marriage had reached a point where I needed all the help I could get physically and emotionally and his reaction was to turn tail and escape into fantasyland with you.<P> His family bore the brunt of his bad temper.He was overcommitted in his work, over excited by your activities and the payoff for us were his fits of extreme bad temper.The house was not a peaceful one and we learned to dread the sound of his key in the door.You have never experienced any thing other than Mr Loverboyniceguy I can assure you there is another side to the story <BR> <BR> We are still playing and will continue to play a game of winners and losers for the rest of our lives.A game where every one eventually ends up a loser.You were spectacularly unsuccessful in keeping your secret and both **** and I found out. Him sooner-- me later.<P> It is also common knowledge amongst our group of friends. There are some very observant gossips out there.I was the last to find out.My best friend had known about it for many years .I would really have liked to have been told for many obvious and not so obvious reasons <P> One reason which you probably have never considered is the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases.They dont happen to nice clean middle class people like us.The reality is that status in life does not protect you from such eventualities.If you behave like a prostitute then you can expect to reap the occupational hazards.<P> During that time in the seventies there were four people that I know of (probably more) who were swapping micro organisms.At the end of the eighties as part of a routine check I was found to be suffering from a cervical pre cancerous condition which required surgery.This condition can take a few years to develop and is sexually transmitted.It is only now I understand that my chances were doubled by your presence.This also puts you at risk even if you no longer have a cervix. If you read the book you will get all the information you need.<BR> <BR> So ,as you may begin to appreciate, the affair was not a harmless little bit of extra and if you think that I was a shadow in your life then you have become a spectre in mine.The spin off will continue to affect us and have a detrimental effect on us and also the next generation.I cant help wondering what the resonances will be for this family and yours in time to come.<BR> <BR> What has ***** learned from the experience of Uncle ***** appearing once a year to share mummys bed? I believe she has been told the truth of the situation now that she is old enough to understand. Does that make it all OK ? What have you taught her by your example--that its alright to make use of someone elses husband,that its alright to act in a deceittul and dishonest way,that its OK to belong to a religion and be hypocritical about its values.Children have an ability to repeat the life events of their parents. Is that the way you would like her to live her life.<P> What has Uncle ***** taught his own children? That its OK to take what you want at someone elses emotional expense, to be secretive and devious about it and to give as little as possible in return.<P> <BR> You could say that ,as in the case of the ******,a number of people suffered directly or indirectly. So far in your case ***** is completely destroyed and I would say that the degree of stress entailed by the discovery of the affair was a contributing factor in the breakdown of his personality.****** has therefore lost the father that you chose for her and I would hazard a guess that she never felt really comfortable with *******s intermittent presence as mums boyfriend .What role did he play in her life? <P> As for myself I was very surprised by the depth of feeling that this has provoked. In order to clarify for myself what an affair actually is I have written,after some research,a definition which I believe to be true and which I enclose.The emotional pain is unbearable, I can really identify with people who take to drugs or drink to ease the feelings.I can also identify with the archetypal characters Frankie and Johnny ,Princess Diana and all the hundreds of students that I have known who have been rendered dysfunctional by their parents infidelities.<P> What you had was an affair based on romantic fantasy not a true relationship based on reality, a love without responsibility made secure by the fact that you could still rely on your respective partners to deal with some of the more onerous domestic details. <P> Ignorant of the true circumstances there was no other option.If I had known at the time what was happening I would certainly have withdrawn all support -domestic, financial and emotional.Your affair was a continuous process of anticipation and fulfilment against which my own life was played,whatever was happening in my life was in tandem with that cycle.It robbed my marriage of time, energy and intimacy. I was unwillingly part of it and it was part of me.I was given no other option than to be involved because I wasnt told until it was far too late to make other arrangements.<P> Having your man involved with another woman makes you feel about as bad as you can feel.As you have never experienced the emotions associated with betrayal I will try to give you some idea of that feeling. <BR>It is as if you had a baby that you loved and cared for and the baby was killed, not accidentally but deliberately by someone in whom you had complete and utter trust.The loss of the baby is a metaphor for the loss of innocence and trust for which absolutely nothing can compensate. Paradoxically it is the same feeling as being raped by a family member. <BR> <BR> I now have to review all my memories to include you.You were there at parties and at camps,at *******every photograph or mention of those times triggers in my imagination the unspeakable liberties that you were taking with my husband.<P> In spite of the tensions caused by our overcommitted lives I always believed that deep down ***** and I shared the same important moral values and that he cared enough for his family to be proof against temptation. It is a very shocking thing for me to discover that I was so wrong in my assumptions.<BR> <BR> The affair feeds on the life energy of the wife that is why the fact of the secret is so exhilarating .Who else would be so emotionally devasted by the revelation of the truth. The power to cause that devastation is always in the hands of the lovers.Infidelity is the most toxic form of emotional abuse.<P> I continue to wonder whether,in the final analysis,the ease with which I was finally able to discover the existence of such a long and carefully kept secret was not a thoughtless way of allowing me to shoulder the emotional burden of its demise. <P> In effect you and I were the ones who finally made the ultimate decision for****and I would like to thank you for endorsing the fact that the absolute end of the affair was the only possible solution.At this point ***** was still trying to retain some of the crumbs of the cake which he had had and also eaten,he had maintained a cosy home and an erotic love nest and was hanging on to the concept.<P> The situation had served him well for a very long time but at what cost to others?I know what is the cost to me I can only guess at the cost to you.I would imagine that the emotional toll would be very high.It was always an unviable situation which was bound to end badly and in the end ****** managed by his self indulgent insistence on having one last good time to evade the ultimate responsibility of bringing it completely to an end. Between us we did it for him.<BR> <BR> There is no excuse for the complete mess you have made of your own and other peoples lives, your letter I found shallow and patronising. I can safely say that I can find no excuses for what you have done and that I have no respect whatsoever for the way you have run your life. I only hope that you can see the far reaching effects of what you try to pass off as a harmless event and which your letter seeks to trivialise. I also hope that you have learned something from the experience that will give you some insight into managing your life in a more positive and honest way in the future. <P> I DO NOT EXPECT OR WANT A REPLY .THIS IS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I WILL MAKE ANY COMMUNICATION AS IN YOUR LETTER THIS IS FROM ME TO YOU ALTHOUGH **** DOES KNOW THAT I HAVE WRITTEN IT<P><BR>

Hi there,<BR> <BR> I think a letter is ok and I think paragraphs 1,2,3 are very good. I also think the last two are good. I WOULD NOT send the rest(the middle).....in my opinion , they will do nothing but make you appear weak and even give her a chance to slide back in ( the part about how devastated your marriage is etc.)She will think you are whiny etc...(I'm not saying you are, but I bet she would think this way) Don't give her that power over you.<P>I know you are trying to have her see your point of view but it won't work.......say your peace about how you feel about HER but don't let her know about your misery etc....she won't care.............<P>Good luck to you!! LU

Try to forgive her, she did write you an apology letter, even though it can't take away the pain, at least she made an attempt. It was wrong, yes, but I sense your marriage was not all that great to begin with for it to happen. We have all made mistakes, try to forgive and not hold bitterness, that will only hurt you and will keep her in condemnation. Trust God to heal your broken heart, one thing is for sure, Jesus will never betray us or let us down, he is the only one that will ever love us unconditionally. Ask God to help you to forgive your husband and her, he will answer your prayer. God bless you!

The letter serves the purpose of saying what you feel ... but will cause more harm than good if you actually send it to her. She will never admit that she did anything as wrong as she did - to do that would tarnish the fantasy relationship that she had.<P>Sometimes, a letter like this is just a vent. Throw it away.<P>If you believe that you need to forgive her to have peace, then do so - but you are NOT beholden to forgive the OW. The only person you are beholden to in any way is your husband.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

H2O<P>What would your goal be in sending her this letter? Do you hope that she will realize that she has been a terrible person? That she will repent? This is not very likely to happen. The letter will only serve to annoy her. She seems like a very selfish, shallow person. It might annoy her enough to make her want to get back by going after your husband again.<P>I can understand your need to write this letter. It pours out your feelings. However it believe it gives the OW a lot of power. You talk about how you and she were the ones who made the decision to end the affair. This only provides her the knowledge that if she ended it, then she has the power to start it up again. She probably already knows many of the crakes in your marriage from your husband's perspective. This letter would give her insight into those cracks from your perspective again giving her too much power.<P>In the letter you talk to her as though she is your equal. She is not your equal. You are the wife; she is the mistress, the OW…. Simply a wan-a-be. She is nothing to you. Don’t put any more thought or energy into her then she has already stolen from you all these years. Your major concern here is you, your marriage and your husband… in that order. <P>I think you should hold on to the letter for the time being, maybe do a lot of journaling. And maybe one day, if you really want to throw her meaningless apology back at her, you can boil to down to a couple of paragraphs that “sock it to her” but give her no power and no personal information about you, your marriage and your husband.<P>I don’t know that you will ever be able to forgive her, but you will need to move beyond her for your own sanity. Saw this saying on the forum … .”Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”<P>Here is an interesting thread that discusses about OW/OP….. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009226.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009226.html</A> <P><BR>By the way I am in total disagreement with shurlay's comments... <P>"It was wrong, yes, but I sense your marriage was not all that great to begin with for it to happen."<P>Does this mean that if a marriage is not all that great it's ok to have an affair? I don't think so. It is a given that if an affair happens there is a problem with the marriage. That's how it works. This trivializes the depth of damage this OW perpetrated on you. So don't buy into that line of thinking.<P>My heart goes out to you,<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare