First, thanks everyone for your support - especially to my many posts that tend to be longwinded. You help me so much!<P>Okay. You're not going to believe this one, not sure what I should do... My H calls (again!) even though we're supposed to be in no contact and says:<P>"Look, I'm sick of playing your games, I'm not going to call my mother any more to talk to you. 3 things I wanted to say. <BR>1). I want to take the girls somewhere on Saturday <BR>2). My computer was supposed to ship today but UPS wouldn't deliver it so maybe you can put a note on the door or something.<BR>3). Oh nevermind"<P>Can you believe the audacity? One minute he's reeming me out then he wants me to do him a favor!!<P>Okay, so here's my dilemna. My H hasn't seen the kids in 2 weeks! One excuse after another, blaming me, etc. I don't feel safe right now letting him be alone with the kids, he is too unstable, I don't know where he lives, and I can't trust him. My plan B letter deliberately spelled out supervised visits and he is ignoring my request. So my choices as I see them are:<P>A. Let him come by on Saturday, break the no-contact and actually have to see him. Let him take the kids and hope and pray everything will be okay<BR>B. Bring the kids to his mom's and tell him to meet us there so he can see the kids. (touching on illegal since he may ACTUALLY be able to say I prevented him from seeing them if he refuses to go).<BR>C. File for seperation tomorrow (hopefully) and have the lawyer put the supervision restraint on the visits. My only issue with this is that it may not happen tomorrow and then what do I do...<P>I don't know, sometimes I feel like I am just being overparanoid - let him see the kids unsupervised. But, y'no, maybe if he had actually tried to see them this past 2 weeks, or is actually going to get counseling for his anger - like he said - but he's not! I absolutely don't want to use the kids, which is why I've tried so hard to get him to setup visitation this past week - to no avail. <P>It just doesn't FEEL right. I want to know the kids are safe with him and he isn't going to lash out or yell at them, or kidnap them. I can't be sure right now. I have very little grounds for this other than gut feeling and the one incident (last one) with my 2-year old.<P>Plus I guess I don't want to give in, it's like he's trying everything to try and get me to give in. First not obeying the no contact, continuing to call me anyway, talking about coming over, etc. Then when that didn't work he is saying suddenly he wants to come and take the kids somewhere. I don't know, what if he leaves again for 2 weeks? I won't let him do this to the kids. He has hurt them enough as it is!<P>I'm torn. I'm happy he finally says he'll see the kids, but he wants it under his rules. It's like a challenge - what are you going to do about it? Why can't he just go see them supervised, get counseling, get his act together, then see what happens? He has to make it so difficult.<P>If I do this, #C, I think I am pretty much guaranteed to not get my H back. He will hate me so much more than he does now. I've fought so hard not to do it, but I feel like he's left me with no other choice. I need to know in my heart that my kids are safe.<BR>

Legally, u can't stop him from seeing his kids, unless it is already appointed by a judge. The only thing you can do is insist that he tell you where the kids will be, in other words where his residence is. I doubt if he is going to kidnap them, since he is claiming to know all the legal routes (excuse me as i giggle), but he is not going to want the police called onto him. U can drop them at his mothers and pick them up at a specified time, without having to break contact at all. Let it be known that you want the residence to where your kids will be, and that the picking up and dropping off at the specified time will be the only route you will go, if he doesn't agree to that, then he isn't anxious about seeing his kids, he just wants to continue to fight.

Don't break Plan B. He is baiting you to get you to do that. That's all this is about. Don't let him take your boundaries away. You have worked very hard to get to this point. Don't give all your hard work away. <P>See your lawywer tomorrow to get the visitation papers put in place. Right now he could pick your kids up at your MIL's and not bring them home. Then you would have to fight for your kids.<P>I'm pulling for you,<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

My H won't stop calling me. He leaves a message at 6am this morning at home and says "your phone must be off the hook" and since you aren't calling me back I had to leave you a message at work. The message at work said the 3rd thing he wanted to tell me was that on Monday he's filing for divorce.<P>But he already knows I won't give him a divorce...<P>Ugh. Why won't he just respect the plan B letter and leave me alone? <P>Yes, I will go see the lawyer today. I tried yesterday but it didn't work out.

Just stick to your plan and ignore his contacts. <P>Remember a person cannot make us mad, angry, happy, or anyother emotion. We have total control over how we react to an other's actions. So decide on a healthy reaction to his baiting and put yourself in that mind set before you check his messages, etc. <P>As for not giving him a divorce. Unfortunately he can get a divorce whether or not you want on. You cannot stop it. But you can slow it down. There are ways to make it drag on for months. It can be costly to do this. But it would give you more time for Plan B.<P>Good luck with your attorney today.<P>Z

Having gone through the divorce route I agree with the other posters, you need to talk with your attorney and get a visitation schedule set up. Depending on your State and depending on the Judge, interfering with him seeing the kids can actually hurt you very badly in a custody battle. I also do have some concern in regards to "Plan B", no contact. Say the worst happens and you do end up going to court for temporary custody. His attorney tells the Judge that you refuse to talk to your husband (Judge see's this as not cooperating for the kids sake and most Judge's feel communcation is extremely important when their is kids involved). Then his attorney tells the Judge that he is only allowed to see the kids under your conditions. A Judge isn't aware of a Plan B and he doesn't care what type of plan your in, they only care about the kids and what is important to them is that the two of you co-parent together and make sure that both parents are available for the kids when ever they want to. Plan B to a Judge looks like an unwillingness to co-parent and the parent that is unwilling to co-parent will loose custody unless the other parent doesn't want it or is extremely unfit. I know this because I went through a very long custody battle and one of my best friends is a divorce attorney. I totally understand how Plan B can really help the betrayed spouse but I don't understand how it can happen or be good when there are children involved.

BonnieSept,<P>You make some good points here.<P>What I see about Plan B is that there can be contact. but in a controlled manner. Leaving messages, emails, letters. It is the face to face contact and phone conversations that needs to be avoided.<P>I did this when I divorced my XH and it worked fine. It was actually better to not talk to him directly because he used every contact as an opportunity to berate me and try to force his way with me.<P><BR>hurtbyhubby, <P>If your attorney is not familiar with your Plan B, then maybe you should show him your Plan B letter and ask his advice on how to implement the no contact without jeapordizing your custody status.<P>I wonder if an appointment Dr. Harley might also help you sort this out.<P>Z

I have to say Bonnie is starting to sound right to me. Going into court for real does change things a bit, but I still think you have a right to stick to your guns, just be sure that you do it in a way that will look good in court I guess. Keep a journal of all contact w/ H and MIL for your attorney.<P>hmm this is a perplexing...<P>as for filing for separation, you can go to lawyers, but those things take time- alot more than one day, but if he doesn't folow through with filingthen of course it sounds like this is a necessary step.<P>If he is filing for Divorce- well sit back and let him absorb the most of the cost then. Still go to lawyers for advice on this situation- for sure!!<P>How can you defend your stand and look good in court too? Well, I don't see anything wrong with saying you will drop off kids at MIL's for him at such and such time if he will tell you where the kids will be, and an agreed time of return. That is hardly stopping him from seeing kids. Infact you will be driving them part way for him, and taking it to neutral ground- sounds ok to me. Shows effort on your part to be reasonable and try.<P>Making the offer through MIL and not talking to him- the refusing to talk to me issue- well that is going to look bad in court I guess I have to concede that. Does anyone have any wonderful ideas here? <P>I guess you might have to break down and talk to him via phone- you could just refuse to talk about anything other than children- but this is not going to leave the door open from his perspective to reconciliation. Hmmmmm. I'm fresh out of ideas but will think on it.<P>Above all talk to a lawyer to get real legal advice from someone who knows how things are in your state on what to do to put you in the best possible stance.<P>Hang in there, and let us know what the lawyer says!<P>BTW- What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean??<P>A good start! <P>tee hee<BR>