i am new to this board and hope i can get some helpful insight. first of all, i have read the basic concepts and can really see my marriage in them. my husband and i have had a rough marriage because what both of us have done in the past. two weeks ago, i was looking for some important documents in our file cabinet. i came across a naked photo of another woman on my bed in my room. i literally thought i was going to die. i couldn't breathe, or think rationally. i was so sick. i called my husb at work and said "i found the picture of the naked lady." he said we would discuss it when i get home. i hung up the phone because i didn't know what else to say. i was stunned, can hardly describe everything going on in my mind. he came home and the battle started. (my children were not in the house because i did not want them to hear all of this)<BR>he told me he did it because he has not had a wife for years now.(been together 7yr, married5) he said i was distant, and withdrew from him. i didn't trust him and he was not satisfied sexually or emotionally by me. he said i have never trusted him(which is true because of the past)<BR>he said we stopped having a lot and good sex, it had become stale. and it had. i won't lie. i work nights at the hosp. and go to school 6 hours/3days a week when i get off of work, to try to create a better family life for us. <BR>about 10 months ago, he asked me why we didn't have sex that often and i told him it was because i was punishing him because he would not come to bed with me. i work six or seven straight nites from 830pm to 7 am and then go to school and come home, watch the kids, he goes to work, comes home, and then i go right back to work. he gets 6or7free nites away from me where he can sit on the computer all nite(which he was doing) and i thought that on my week off, he should and want to come to bed with me. i would go to bed about 11pm or so and he would not come to bed until 3or4or5am. then sometimes he would come in and want to wake me and haves sex and i would say no. i thought that if he didn't think enough of me to come to bed and want to come to bed with me, why should i give in and wake up out of a good sleep just to please him when i had to go bed everynite alone? (he would come to bed 1 nite during my week off so that would be twice a month. pretty bad for a marriage. i guess about 10 or so months ago he went to a marriage chat room, i do not know which one, to get some answers. he started talking very regularly to a woman who happened to be from our area. (i did not know any of this.) i guess he got emotionally attached to this woman because she was telling him how bad he had it and he was telling her how bad she had it.(supposedly she was from an abusive relationship. do not know name or where she lived except that it was close. he says she has moved out of state and i want to believe, but it is so hard.) it happened one nite while i was at work. but it was in our house, in our bedroom on our bed with our 1 and 3yr old boys sleeping next door. it really disgusts me that it happened in our house and bed with the kids. we bought a new bed and sheets but i have that naked picture burned in my head for life. he does not understand that. he says the problems in our relationship are 50/50. at first i said no, you're the one that had the affair and he said it was because i did not trust and respect him. i have tried to trust and him, but i am not a very trusting person. my family has had a lot of problems and the untrusting nature has always been part of me. when we were first engaged, an old fiance of his came out to visit from germany. i had moved back to school and he was to follow in a few months.<BR>she visited with her sister and they saw and experienced las vegas. supposedly they were so tired one day from all the activity, that my husb did not want to walk home so he went up to her hotel room and they sat on the same bed talking and then fell asleep. i did not think this was appropiate behavior, especially since we were engaged, but he says it was innocent. i think naps with the opp sex are wrong, especially an exlover. anyways, we are working through things, but he wants to rush everything to get over the pain. i know i hurt him by shutting him out and not trusting him. i have tried to seek counseling to get over my trust issue, but have not succeeded yet. i too felt shut out. i felt the computer was more important and his friends online. i would like suggestions and thoughts on opp sex friends and what is appropiate behavior and what i should or should not expect. (my husband has a hard time making male friends, i do not know why, he says it is because he is different and i should be happy he is different. i think very little computer time and very little exposure to friends of the opp sex are mandatory right now, but he does not. please help.

bluegirl,<P>You will get a lot of advice here. And I think that it will help you rebuild your marriage. Unfortunately, I don't have much time, but I do have one question.<P>Why would he give up his computer time and other sex friends? Can you give him a good reason? Something to think about. Please read here about Plan A it may help you recover and make your marriage the one you want.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

i do want to let everyone know that i think my H and i are doing very well. i love him and i truly believe he loves me and is sorry. i think we are doing extremely well but i still need time to get over the affair and the picture.<BR>everytime i am in a bad mood, he gets upset and says we are taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back. i need time to get over it, but i want him to know i am trying. i love him so much and i believe we were made for each other. we did slip off the track and forgot how important we are to each other. but , i believe with all my heart that we will get through this. i just want my time to heal so i can heal and not just hide problems to forget the past.<BR>i thank everyone for answering me. you will probably hear from my husband too. take care and god bless.

<i do want to let everyone know that i think my H and i are doing very well. i love him and i truly believe he loves me and is sorry. i think we are doing extremely well but i still need time to get over the affair and the picture.><P>If this is true you and your H are already half way there.<P>I am not trying to make light of your feelings and your H taking then keeping a photo of the naked OW around the house (what was he thinking?) but if you read some of the posts here you will see that many here would like to be in your position of both of you wanting to work on your M.<P>You are right, I think, when you say you need time. That's something you obviously can't hurry. Patience is hard but it is very important.<P>Inthe meantime read the stuff at this site and don't dwell on what has happened. Look ahead to what you can have.<P>"You can't find happiness looking backward," --George Strait<P>Best of luck.... <P><BR> <P>------------------<BR>Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

*deep breath*...i am bluegirls husband..i told her i would not go to this site because i didnt need anyone else to tell me what a complete creep i am, but i figured..wth..i would take a chance and see if anyone can at least understand how i feel..NOT CONDONE...just understand. everything she said is true. <BR> <BR> about the picture..i have no idea what i was thinking..very little it would seem. although she cannot understand how i feel about it i am (in some strange way) thankful that the picture existed because it is the key to the salvation of our marriage. if the picture didnt exist then i would have continued to try to ignore what had happened until the result was turning one of us into a single parent.<P>from the very start i knew my wife had a problem with trust..it stems from her childhood..and although i knew i did not possess the skills to help her with this problem i thought that in time i could prove myself to her through my undying devotion and complete fidelity. i was wrong. <P>she reminded me monthly for the first four years of our marriage that it was hard for her to trust in me or the stabililty of our relationship. i was constantly reminded that she feared i would cheat on her or leave her. as hard as it was to face that i stayed and loved her and tried to reassure her that my love for her was complete and solid.<P>I FAILED. the trust has never gotten stronger. our marriage has deteriorated to the point that our intimacy was almost completely gone..when it was there it was extremely brief and very unfullfilling. I worked until 11pm or later and when i came home i was wired and not ready to sleep but she was tired and wanted me to come to bed. two things kept me from doing that..i WAS NOT TIRED.. and why would i want to rush to bed if i was not tired because i knew our bed was only for sleeping anymore.<P>this only made things worse..i was tired of trying so hard, unsuccessfully to convince her i was faithful and loved her. I felt us growing far apart so i went to a site to find a way to understand what i could do or anything that might help me convince her. instead what i found was a sympathetic ear..someone who was also hurting and i allowed myself to think that the answer was to let someone else provide what i needed my wife to provide. i was and am a fool. i did not get what i needed. all i got was a sense of shame and the destruction of my self respect and the finality of the destruction of my wifes self esteem and what little trust she had managed to scavenge for me.<P>i know we are in love and i know i did not make a decision that even resembled sane thought..but i was lost and lonely and the thought of leaving her and my boys was NOT an option. dont ask me what i was thinking because i cannot explain where my retardation started or how i came to do something that would change everything in our lives. all i know is that suddenly i looked at myself and knew that i had done something incredibly stupid and destructive to so many around me.<P>so why am i writing this letter? i guess i wanted to tell my side not to debate but to explain and to give whoever wants to reply to my wife or myself a little insight to the other side. someone once told me that there are three sides to an argument..her side,his side, and the truth.<P>we will make it, i feel it in my heart..i do want to hurry away from this terrible place that i believe both of us created and she says she needs time to heal..i do too but i have been dealing with hurt for years. i want what i wanted the day i said "I DO". i want my wife to find solice and true feeling of friendship here. i am a born pessimist..i expect a rush of negativity toward me and thats ok..i have my wife and that is really all i need.<P>thats it..sorry for being so long winded....no contest

Dear nolo contendere & bluegirl,<P>It is good to see you both here together. This will strenghten your recovery and be an encouragement to us all. <P>Nolo, you are not long winded in the least. I know my posts can out do yours anyday. You are welcome here to share your thoughts with us. We all learn and appreciate a lot from each other. <P>bluegirl, you are an honest woman and reaching out for help. I wish you and your husband great recovery and many happy years ahead for you both. Can the trust ever be completely restored. Maybe not. Knowing that should not stop us from trying. Time is a healer. Pray about your sensitive points ask God to help strengthen your resolve to make your marriage work and restore the trust to a level you can live with. <P>That should not be out of your reach. You will attain it. You sound like you have a good supporter that needs you also. Be there for each other. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>