<BR>I read something in your respnod to Paintbox on her post (for (H) - advice please?) that made me wonder you said ....<P>” I also don't believe it's a good sign they left on good terms with each other. They stopped communication with love still in their hearts for each other.”<P>This is exactly how I and xMM parted (on good terms with each other). We just had to do the right thing but the feelings are still there. Are you saying that its a bad thing to part in ”good terms”?. Must you really become unfriendly with eachother for it to work in the long run?<P>Ýour words just caught my eye so I thought I would ask <BR>

Obviously, I am not {H}. I hope you don't mind the intrusion.<P>In Dr. Harley's book, Surving an Affair, he mentions that often the A ends with both parties "in love" with each other. That is why no contact of any kind is so important. Becauase, with time, the intense feelings do fade. It also allows the love bank with the spouse to be filled. <BR>If you haven't read the book, it is a definite must read.<P>

Okey dokey.<P>What I intended by "good terms" is that in the long run things will settle down. Things will get better. If you do part on good terms, theres also a chance of going back to that person much easier then if it were not good terms.<BR>It does open new doors I believe. That say, well this person still loves me. Perhaps we are making a mistake. Rather then seeing things much more clearly.<P>I left (OW) in my situation on good terms. The last time we talked, the last time we chatted, emailed. It was great. We were fine. It made it so hard for me to want to do what I knew was best for the both of us. So people can and do leave on good terms. It depends on the person's willingness to really respect (No Contact). (OW) Didn't respect my no contact letter, phoned, and emailed.. So for me this was very hard to deal with. I had to take it slowly, and had to remind myself every second of that time frame that I was doing the right thing. I sent every email she sent me to my wife. Every phone call she made I told my wife about.<P>This was my choice, and she was making this so difficult on me. So hard. So I think had we left on bad terms it would have been so much easier for me to deal with in the beginning.<P>Again the postives and negatives of the situation.<P>You don't hate and still my love the (OP) - Makes no contact very hard, but it can open doors to getting back together, but you may realize its for the best.<P>You dislike or hate the (OP) - Makes no contact easy, you hate them, you wont be getting back together, your leaving on bad terms (Thats negative regardless)<P>These are just my views on this certain piece of it. I say what I believe, and share what I believe. The one piece of advice you can take is this. "Do whats right for you, not because I said it worked for me, or in my situation this is what I did" Everyones thoughts, views, and opinions differ. I'm not one to say anyone is wrong or right.<P>This.. is just my viewpoint thats all <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Hi (H) and Cleopatra too <P>I get what you are saying. You know xMM told me once that it would be much easier if he didn’t like me as a person so much. <P>I had the reversed situation as you (H) obviously had. xMM called me (after the whole NO-CONTACT bit) and kept showing up even though we had broken up. It gave me hope - I know it’s stupid from my part but as much as I tried to get him out of my life It takes 2 people to brake things off. He just kept calling.<P>As I know you have read things have made a turn and we have SERIOUSLY agreed not to contact each other anymore. Nevertheless we parted as ”friends” - no hard feelings - Just the wrong timing/situation/lifetime.... you name it. I can not imagine being hateful or unfriendly with him even though we might never meet again and I truly believe that he feels the same. <P>My Q to you was more like - do you think that it’s harder to let go when you brake it off like that (with strong feelings still involved). Is it possible that you still have that ”dream or hope” or whatever alive more then if you actually broke up in a ”normal” way. could it get to the point that you always wonder about him/her or what might have been - like some secret dream? - Like you almost ”over do” the fantasy of the other person? - I’m a hopeless romantic and I’m a bit afraid that that is where I will end up. Not that I will not be able to get on with my life but that I will ”over-romanticize” him because we had to part because of the circumstances. Sorry If I’m not making much sence - I just have a LOT on my poor mind right now <P>Cleopatra<P>I really do mind your intrution *LOL* - Just kidding. Thanks for replying No I have not read that book thanks for the tip. I totally agree with you that ”no contact” is the key. But I’m still fighting with the ”intense feelings though” I wish that they could just go away. I know that there is a lot of talk about the ”fog”. Guess me and xMM are still in it after over a year. Nevertheless we have broken it off. I hope he finds happiness with his W, I really do and I hope that one day I can wake up and think about anything else but him.<P><BR>Cheers

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HumbleFish:<BR><B>Hi (H) and Cleopatra too <P>My Q to you was more like - do you think that it’s harder to let go when you brake it off like that (with strong feelings still involved). Is it possible that you still have that ”dream or hope” or whatever alive more then if you actually broke up in a ”normal” way. could it get to the point that you always wonder about him/her or what might have been - like some secret dream? - Like you almost ”over do” the fantasy of the other person? - I’m a hopeless romantic and I’m a bit afraid that that is where I will end up. Not that I will not be able to get on with my life but that I will ”over-romanticize” him because we had to part because of the circumstances. Sorry If I’m not making much sence - I just have a LOT on my poor mind right now <P>Cheers </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Think you answered your own question in your responce. You're afraid of what might come from over-romanticizing. A vaild responce. You want to get on with your life, and it's not easy. When you think about all the good times in the past, and all the things you shared together. Leaving on good terms only makes those feelings more deep rooted and more solid for you. Because it's unsurity. You aren't sure if he's going to one day call you up out of the blue and say "You know, I think we made a mistake in not talking anymore" as you might be wanting to do the same with him.<P>Those things are the past. You will always have that. You will never forget some things, no matter how hard you may try at times. Focus on your future. This is as much your choice to not contact him as it was his choice. If you are true to yourself in sincearity of not contacting him, then you have nothing to worry about. You will take care of it if the event arrises. If he calls you one day, or trys to contact you, you will hang up, or just not listen. It's your choice. You are doing this for you.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 15, 2001).]

Hmmmm.... OK you are right - I did answer my own Q. I hate it when I’m right . Kind of hoped you would give me another answer. I think I just have to stop ”hoping” and get moving on!!!!!. I am very sincear in not contacting him!!!! - I was before aswell but I fell for the temptation then when he kept calling. I will not now!.<P>I understand that you have gotten through your affair and that you are happy with your W now. I’m glad for you. I hope that he will find that happiness too I really do. I still love him but I’m not ever meeting him again unless he is very single, and that is nothing I’ll put money on so to say .<P>Thanks H - I’m off to bed now - puuuhhh I’m tired - a lot has happened this week!!!!! - and it’s 03:00 - really sleeping time *SMILE*.<P>Take care’<BR>HumbleFish<BR>

I hope you don't mind yet another intruder but I have a comment/question on this...<P>I am the BS my husband had an affair, we are 22 months into recovery. My husband went through withdrawal, and came out of the "fog" and now loves me and shows it in words and actions daily. <P>I often wonder though, how does the OW get out of withdrawal and the fog if she doesn't have a spouse that knows about the affair and is plan Aing her?? In our case the OW was actually married at the beginning of the affair but divorced during the A. She is a single mom now. I don't know if this is making any sense but I'd like to think that she is also through withdrawal and out of the fog, but how would that happen?? Just time? <P>They too left each other on "good terms". But, fortunately they both abided by the NO CONTACT rule. <P>Why would I care? I guess just because I would feel more comfortable knowing that that is where she is now too. Out of the fog, beyond withdrawal. And, knows it's over and has no feelings like that for him any longer. <P>-Brighterdays

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I often wonder though, how does the OW get out of withdrawal and the fog if she doesn't have a spouse that knows about the affair and is plan Aing her?? In our case the OW was actually married at the beginning of the affair but divorced during the A. She is a single mom now. I don't know if this is making any sense but I'd like to think that she is also through withdrawal and out of the fog, but how would that happen?? Just time?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Answered your own question. With time, comes reality catching up to you. You start to see the whole picture when you don't have someone reminding and reassuring you. You'll hit withdrawl being in no contact its inevitable. So whether your married or not. You will still hit this stage. <P>Same goes with the stage after that. Where you realize. It was just broken dreams, broken promises, lies, fairy dust, unrealistic romance, fog.. All these things you were hanging on to.<P>Just takes time.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Thank you [H], I hope you are right! ....<P>-Brighterdays