H- You lifted my spirits so much last night it brought tears to my eyes! Today My wife completed the LB and EN questionnaires for our call with Steve H. week after next. I hope she's not just placating me? She also told me that I should develop new friendships to help me and our situation. I said I am (It's this forum of caring people like you). She said she is developing new friendships as a way to cope. One of her top ENs she identified is more social outings with other couples. Ironically, I have the same need too! She said she will have brunch with me and our boys on Father's Day.<P>I spoke to her tonight on her cell phone and she openly told me she was at a friend's having having a good time and that OM was with her. hearing her talk so casually about being with OM is like CHINESE WATER TORTURE!<P>She is supposed to be living with this girl friend, but refuses to give me her address, even for the sake of our children. Oue kids and I can only call her on her cell phone and she called today from OM's. He is separated from his wife and has one 10 year old son. I suspect she may be living with OM, and just keeps a few belongings at her girl friend's. <P>When she came over our house today, I reassured her that I love her and am here for her. She said she appreciated it and said I love you too.<P>I'm home alone tonight with our two sons and a sleep-over playmate they have. But, this is DRIVING ME CRAZY! It's also making it extremely difficult to focus on my job search. You may recall that I'm unemployed and she say's she is willing to relocate. (You were very insightful about the importance of this!)<P>I know your experience and wisdom are in great demand right<BR>now from others in our forum. If you are able to help save even one marriage I believe you will have given more back to humanity than most people are able to in a lifetime!<P>She is coming over to our house in the morning to visit. Should I mention anything to her about the way she disclosed being with OM tonight and how much PAIN! it brings me or just forget it?<P>Please, Please respond. Please continue to help guide me friend. You are helping me more than you can imagine (or pehaps you can). I thank you, and also thank you on behalf of my two young boys, and my wife too.<P>Thank you again!<P>Never say die!<P><BR>

I never returned to the OM after my affair was disclosed. My situation is different from many of you in that regard. However my husband has tortured me in the past year despite the fact that I never saw OM again. My OM was no longer any type of threat to him but he would manage to bring him up all the time. Finally this led us into a realization that his continued suspicion of me and showing of it was hindering us from getting close. He admitted to this and apologized. After that the rollar coaster ended.<P>I would if I were you to appear strong and not say a word. Difficult yes but you need to prepare yourself every day for what is yet to come. I am telling you this as a woman and the irritation it caused everytime he mentioned the OM to me. <P>One day you will look back after all the bull**** is finally over and you will know you did the right thing by not lovebusting. When the "fog" is over and your wife returns to reality you can tell her all these things that are building up now.

Hmm okies. Lemme think here :P Reading your post NSD.<P>Will add to it shortly.<P>---Added<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>She is supposed to be living with this girl friend, but refuses to give me her address, even for the sake of our children.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why refused to give you the address? She'd hiding out. I did this too. I refused to tell my wife where I was and who I was with. Very few people knew where I was. <P>She might actually be staying with a friend. She may actually be staying with OM.<P>What better way to hide the details of the affair then go in to hiding yourself. You don't know where she is staying. So any visits from OM are unnoticed, as you can't be sitting outside in your car waiting for them.<P>I expected my wife to try and track me down. I figured I would play the game as well. I would hide out, and give her as few details as possible.<P>At times you get a cloak and dagger mentality in trying to hide the affair. You are very aware of who's around you, constantly looking over your shoulder. Wondering if someone might be following you. A private investigator perhaps spying on you as well. Anything is possible. <P>The less my wife knew about where I was the safer and better I felt about everything. I could do anything I wanted. Go any place I wanted to go.<P>My advantage? I knew where she was. I knew where she worked and where she was staying.<BR>I knew what places to avoid running in to her at. So I had an advantage in hiding the affair, and continuing to hide it.<P>We are and do expect consequences and irrational behavior from our spouses. We expect this. I expected this all the time. I was paranoid of it. "We're hiding an affair"<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>She said she appreciated it and said I love you too.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Now thats a completely new and staggering comment. I don't know what to make of that. That is one thing I rarely told my wife durring the affair. Was that I loved her still. That one doesn't make sense to me, I never did that. She'd say "I love you" and I would say "I know you do" or "I'm not sure why", ect.<P>I never told my wife "I love you" back because I was to busy being unsure of anything to willingly lead her on with "I love you too" Fact that your wife is saying is confusing to me. I don't know if that means she's coming out of the fog. Or what.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I know your experience and wisdom are in great demand right now from others in our forum. If you are able to help save even one marriage I believe you will have given more back to humanity than most people are able to in a lifetime<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well.. uhhhh I'm trying.. I'm definately not an expert. Just trying to help relate to my personal expierences. Would love to help save anyones marriage. I'm not an expert. I'm not anything really... I'm just another guy who posts here for help, and understanding of his own. Part of my own therapy. I don't have, and won't have all the answers Please understand that. I don't want to let you down. But like at the bottom of my signature said. ("Take what good you can from my posts. Disgard the rest. Do what's right in your situation not because I said it worked for me") Hope this makes sense. That being said. I will try and help as much as I am possible. I too have my own marriage to work on, and I enjoy posting here, so I'll continue to help as much as I can without being a detriment on my own marriage progress.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>She is coming over to our house in the morning to visit. Should I mention anything to her about the way she disclosed being with OM tonight and how much PAIN! it brings me or just forget it?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well have you read "Surviving an affair" I hear its a great book. My wife read it, and was better able to deal with some of the pain I was causing her.<P>As a (WS) I looked for my wife to blame me, I looked for her to point out all these things, and then blame me for them. I expected her to do this. Fact that she didn't blame me for being with (OW) She didn't cast blame on me for the (A) every time we chatted made a huge difference. The less she blamed me, the more guilt I felt about it. She added no fuel to the fire I was expecting. This comes in with retribution. I had expected her to freak out, attack me, harm me at times. I had no idea what she was going to do. So I expected the unexpected as well when we talked. She ended up telling me on a few occasions how we could work on our marriage, how we could learn from our mistakes. She owned up for her mistakes in the relationship. Told me a lot of places she went wrong. (She read his needs her needs) as well, this helped identify the problems we had in the past, and resolutions in the future. I too will be reading it soon, for now. I just ask my wife what it is she's happy and unhappy with. Where can I help, what can I do, what habits bother her, what habits are good and so on. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>But, this is DRIVING ME CRAZY!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Take time to do things for yourself. Take time to make sure you are okay. And focus on things you can do that will benefit you no matter what my friend. These are positive changes in you that work for the future. Doesn't matter what happens. You will always have you. So these changes you make, and do benefit you in the future. Take some time get a way a bit and spend some time with your sons. My wife prayed a lot, and prayed for me first. Talk about loving, and caring.<P>Hope this helps some. Take care, strength and prayers with you, your sons, and your wife.<P>-----------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 16, 2001).]

Well today caught me off guard. I was getting ready to take the kids to the pool this morning when my wife called and said she would like to come and would meet us there. I said great!. Then she called back about 15 minutes later, and said she was bringing OM with her. I wasn't confortable about it, especially with my kids there, and politely said I didn't feel it would be appropriate. I also didn't feel it would be healthy for me either.<P>She didn't like the way I felt about it and said I should be more "mature". She insisted that she is "just friends" with OM now and that their relationship is plutonic (I know she sleeps at his place). <P>I finally said It was up to her to decide what to do, but that I didn't feel I myself wanted to be at the pool at the same time with OM. I also told her I love her, am here for her, and want to meet her emotional needs. So she just came by a litle while ago, picked up our youngest son (8 years old)to take him swimming at a different pool where OM lives. She even kissed me on the lips when she was here. I never had any intention at all of even bringing up the subject of OM. She brought the subject up. THIS IS LIKE THE TWILIGHT ZONE! I think she may be trying to get me to accept OM so she will feel less guilty?<P>Am I missing something here or should I have just have gone to the pool with my kids while my wife was there with OM? <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>

Posted a reply on your other thread.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie