Nope, not about me. Kinda wish it was, but not.<P>However, I have been reading Orchid's posts and so many other posts where the BS and WS are supposed to be in recovery, yet BS finds WS is still in contact with OP. These affairs are generally in the last stages of dying, but the BS is so terribly hurt to find out about contact that there is the very real chance that BS can make the move that will end the MARRIAGE instead of the AFFAIR.<P>Please, those of you who have been in withdrawal from affairs and are now in true recovery, post about the death throes of your affair - post about the sneaky things you did to maintain contact, the manipulative things that the OP did to force you to be in contact... I think it will be helpful for Orchid and others whose WS's are at this stage - they will see that the right actions can help to end the affair and they CAN have their "new" marriages to the same S's!<P>I wanted to write more, but I have to go out and don't have time. But I'll be checking in later!<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Well, I only know it from the Betrayed side, but I will tell you how it looked to me.<P>In Jan he said to me in out first contact since seperation.... I am trying to end it with her. Then no more contact with me til Feb when we did taxes and went out on a date. She was still calling regularily, maybe sounded a little more needy. I can only imagine that he was ending it by doing his usual pattern of withdrwal.<P>In March we saw each other again for several days in a row and I felt we were making progress when he said he was going to see a friend for vacation. I found out he took her to Hawaii! The same place we went on our honeymoon and several times after. I was despondant and figured he had made his choice. From my side it looked like they were happy as 2 bugs in a rug. About 2 weeks later he came over and asked to move back home. <P>He said they had been fighting for awhile, that they had canceled the trip then it was on again. That he was tired of her consant calls and showing up at his apartment and work. She was upset that he lied to her about seeing me.... aw poor baby. I beleive it ended. We are doing well in recovery.<P>I guess I was lucky that he was out of the house during that time. Because 4 months to end it would have been too much for me to stand by and watch. I know how hard it was to see him carry on the affair while he lived here. To carry on the ending and idcision of that time would have killed me. As it was he was on that roller coaster alone and I was not aware of alot of it.<BR>Lora

I too am the BS but would like to speak to this as my situation was quite odd in the end, I think.<P>WH and OW worked together, her husband worked with them, he caught them by hacking into her voice mail and finding love messages from my husband. He called my home to confront my H on Jan 2/99 ( I was not there) -I came home on Jan 3/99 and found out everything - my H left to be with her "soulmate".<P>She went back to her husband in one week and came back to mine in a couple of days - she moved in with my H and back to her H about five times over the next six weeks. The kids and I moved into a house in the next town. She continued to tell my H that she was at home taking care of her children and there was 100 reasons why she couldn't leave her husband at this point - but soon. She too showed up at his apartment whenever she felt like it and called in the middle of the night etc. She often called my home to ask if my H was here. <P>My Hubby tired of this "gongshow" and ended the relationship with her (right in front of me in a big confrontation) on March 21/99 she NEVER EVER spoke to my H again. He saw her the next day at work and she glared at him and said - "I have nothing to say to you", she left one voice mail that said "I want my stuff back" - he left it in the back seat of her car. And she never said another word to him ever. MInd you she got my H fired right away - claiming that both her and her husband would have to quit if my H stayed. <P>I find this so odd, she loved him, called me, showed up at his apartment endlessly, hated her husband etc and then POOF not one word to us ever. She also had no problem keeping the cell phone my H bought for them in January and using it every month. But never said another word to him or me, her and her husband flew off to Mexico on a holiday that Easter? <P>So H's affair did die an abrupt death and I am glad that he left in Jan and I did not have to watch this continued gong show going on right under my nose - I am sorry that my H got taken for such a fool but she showed her true colors in the end.<P>Why do you all think she just left? Was she lying to my H all along and keeping him in check in case her and her husband did not work out or was she too "in the fog" and forced out of it when my h dumped her?

Hi Terri, Lora and MrsAxxeman,<P>I want you all to know how much I appreciate your concern. I have read and thought about your words. It is true that I am ready to throw in the towel. It is sooo tempting. <P>Funny thing is that H won't leave. Well at least not yet. I am not really encouraging him to stay, yet he keeps saying that I am. Hmmm.......<P>I so want our marriage to recover, yet how long I can endure continued abuse from H's relationship with OW is coming to a close. I am considering the option to move out (my son & I). Give H the house and let him take care of everything here. Oh yes, I will have to check up on him and make sure nothing important is missed, but this may give him the time he feels he needs. H does not have options to move like I do. There are many supporters out there for us. None for H (that he will consider) except me and OW. Not much of a choice if you ask me. <P>I do not want to associate with H when he is associating with OW. She is too psycotic and in my condition I consider her dangerous. <P>I will continue to read here and see what others post. <P>Thanks again for taking the time to help myself and those in a similar situation. <P>Mahalo,<BR>L.<P>

Hi Terri <BR>ALso from the BS point of view and with some facts a bit blurred by now, I'm still posting because like orchid's h, mine didn't leave, although he said he wanted to ( you remember the story ).<BR>A bit of background: Affair started June and was discovered exactly as it started - well in the same week - . It got worse before becoming better of course, with the worst time being the first 15 days of AUgust - by pure chance, the whole story is somewhere on the archives I suppose , he was caught by me coming out of an hotel with her on August 14-. <P>ALl this time things seemed to yo-yo between us, from I can't even look at you, to no we can't solve this, to maybe and back again to the beginning.<BR>Wanting to leave came by the end of July,and put on hold by him until he had enough money to get an appartment.Of course he didn't want to leave to go and live with her!!!!!That was the last thing on his mind!!! He wanted to be by himself of course.<BR>By October he was partially ready to start work things out with us. SHe even got out of the picture. Just to come back again after a foundraising party at work - where, get this: family was not invited. And this is true.NO wonder there's so much of this going around in that place. Not family oriented at all! - It was quite easy: music, dancing, drinking anf there she was back in the picture again. ALl too easy - may I add that she was in charge of the fundaraising events? ANd that the party was not to happen untill she disapeared from the picture? but let's pass that one without any more comments - <BR>By NOvember we were supposed to be in recovery. Supposed, I said.<BR>There was still some left overs of the affair going around. ALthough in our case it was quite easy to see. He would either be really positive about recovery, spend all the time with us - communicating not just in presence - look younger and happier, and even getting his sense of humour back ( the steps forward ) or suddenly he would be full of doubts, grumpy, impatient and ready to find fault in anything we did. Easy to see which is which. Actually it didn't take more than check his cell to see the days she was calling really corresponded with the grumpy Mr. Hyde part.Actually hearing the messages myself I could almost see where and how thing were going.<BR>The good news is that manipulation only works in moderation.<BR>ANd she made the mistake of pushing it, including finding an appartment herself - she was living with her mom - and ask him to help pay it.BAd move or rather bad timing. It didn't work and she got stuck having to move even though if it was to be alone she preferred to be with mom.<BR>The first real sign that recovery was well on its way was in December, at a wedding party that we had been invited. Got my first "I love you " since the whole thing started that day too, plus a couple of bonus like having his work friends meet me and finally view me as a real person, that was actually fun and not a witch. That got him a few words from some of them.<BR>But hey, things weren't finished yet! SHe kept calling until February, using as last resource complains that I had called her harrassing her over the phone. Again by being too impulsive she lost. YOu see, at the times she was saying I was on the phone calling her names, I was actually with him and nowhere near a telephone. Oooops.But these where just the aftershocks, a bit scary for me at the time, but since I kept seing sings that things were progressing I concentrated on that.<BR>One year after things were incredibly better, although the scars where still very recent. AN encounter in a camping ground really helped us to believe that things like this can be surpassed and worked ( I believe there's a post called "serenade and flowers" somewhere that tells about this encounter ) <BR>SEcond year was really much easier and on the third year - actually once more it passed without me remembering it - we really can say that we were survivors and were able to ride the storm.<BR>Hope this helps.<P>P.S> I have been a bit away, my daughter is still sick and I"m getting a bit to the exausted side.<BR>But you all are in my thoughts.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"