OK - before you all start cheering - he's not planning on coming home and he's still madly in love with OW. So what happened?<P>Well - WH and I exchanged some e-mails yeaterday, he was very down and I was supportive. Later on he called me and asked if he could do something with the kids - in the end we decided that he should come over to the house again and we would go for a walk with them. I asked if he wanted some dinner - he said no, but I cooked anyway and offered him some, and he ate with me. Took the kids for a walk - put them to bed, watched TV for a bit...<P>He is interested in past-life regression (I think he's trying to find out if the OW really is his 'twin soul' as he believes her to be), and asked me if I would help him with it (I'm an aromatherapist and into Crystal Healing and meditation etc.). I said that I was wary - but as long as he allowed me to ground him and protect him properly, then I'd give it a go. Well - we went down to the basement bedroom, lit candles and he lay on the bed. I took him through a grounding and protection meditation and another one to open his chakras, then I began the regression...<P>Now this is where is gets VERY interesting (I thought) - because part of the regression is going down in an elevator and getting out at one of your past lives - at this point he said 'stop, I can't do it'. He told me that he couldn't get out of the elevator because he was surrounded by DENSE FOG and couldn't see anything. Now is that appropriate and revealing or what? <P>Well, after that, we just sat on the bed together and talked about spirituality, past lives etc., and after about an hour he started to kiss me. I had resisted the temptation to have sex with him the previous night, but my willpower wasn't so strong - he was very honest with me and said that although he felt love for me, it wasn't the same sort of love that he felt for OW, he needed some comfort and had a physical need to have sex. We were concerned that what we were doing might not be 'right', but in the end passion took over and we started making excuses as to why it WAS right - we were married, we had 'conjugal rights', we both needed to have a bit of fun etc., So yes, we had sex (I won't call it 'make love', because it wasn't that). We stayed in the same bed and cuddled each other all night, then had sex again in the early hours of the morning...<P>After the second time, he said that 'We shouldn't do this again for a few weeks', I said 'Why not, it was fun', he replied that all he had was his integrity right now (I think that meant he was feeling guilty about it). We parted as friends and are seeing each other again tomorrow for the car races.<P>I'm confused this morning - I have no regrets at all about what happened last night, but I think he does. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I have no idea, and what did he mean by saying 'We shouldn't do this again for a few weeks' He's obviously waiting for OW to come back to him, I know - but it gave me the impression also that if she didn't come back to him then he might come back to me?<P>On the other hand - he is totally 'brainwashed' by a book he has at the moment, called 'Soulmates'. He believes everything in it to be the absolute truth and says that we were never soulmates because we didn't have the right connections with each other. This is a dangerous book - it gives the impression that it's OK to ditch your marriage if you find your 'twin soul', because if you find them you will have the most perfect partnership imaginable and will be totally content and happy (fairytale!!). He really believes that OW is his 'Twin Soul' and that they will be together eventually. He's still very, very deep in the 'fog' - but he knows that I am waiting for him and will give him time. Despite last night, I still think this situation will get much worse before it gets better - as (H) said to me - it is worrying that they 'left each other' on such good terms, with such love in their hearts. It would have been better if they had been arguing etc.,<P>I'm a bit confused - but still keeping on with Plan A. If they get together though, then it would be a good time to go straight to Plan B (because we have gotten so close during Plan A these past few days, that it will have a bigger effect on him). What do you guys think?<P>hugs, Paint. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Paintbox (edited June 16, 2001).]

Well, I think the fog thing is interesting for sure! YUP -he's in a deep fog.<BR>All I can say is keep on with Plan A - he obviously seeks your support.<P>Regarding the soulmates thing - all I can say is "soulmate, schmoulmate" - I don't buy that crap at all. Notice how most WS say they felt they found their soulmate - well, all they found was someone who said all the right things, did all the right deeds and made them feel so good and so wanted etc etc etc blah blah blah puke!<P>Okay - that probably didn't help you at all, but I just have had it with the whole soulmates issue.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 16, 2001).]

Paintbox,<P>Guilt, guilt, guilt. That is what your H is afraid of. Being disloyal to an OW? Fogheads think so. Crazy isn't it. <P>Could be he was testing your waters of acceptance. My H did that to me and I was receptive thinking I was in plan A. For me it was a bad move. I should have stood my ground because H went back out there to OW and said he could come home anytime he wanted to. That was sometime in Feb. I told him in March I was basically in plan B and he needed to keep out of our lives. That gave me more peace of mind that I imagined. <P>So I guess you need to identify your H's motives. Is he trying to protect the loyalty of the OW or is he really interested in coming back to you and a bit scared?<P>I don't like these situations because it tends to leave the BS vulnerable and feel like they have been used. Just be careful and let him know how you are really feeling. See how he reacts. <P>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Alberta:<BR>Regarding the soulmates thing - all I can say is "soulmate, schmoulmate" - I don't buy that crap at all. Notice how most WS say they felt they found their soulmate - well, all they found was someone who said all the right things, did all the right deeds and made them feel so good and so wanted etc etc etc blah blah blah puke!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Agreed I posted something similar to this. Where (OW) in my case said I was her soulmate, and I said this as well. More or less found someone who wanted the same things I always wanted. Happened to like all the things I did. Wanted to go all the places I wanted to go in life as well. Could talk about a bunch of things as well, had a lot in common, and so on and so forth...<P>Fairytale magic at it's best.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Orchid:<BR>So I guess you need to identify your H's motives. Is he trying to protect the loyalty of the OW or is he really interested in coming back to you and a bit scared?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Excellent point. Love this. Fit my situation like a glove. <P>I was afraid to talk to my wife, (OW might find out) and because of that I moved out as well. (OW said: "I will play second best to no one. Leave her, or i'm leaving you.")<P>(OW) tended to get nasty if I was anywhere near my wife. (OW) tended to be afraid that I was in contact with my wife as well. Wasn't just my wife mind you. <P>(OW) also manipulated me, so I cut off my friends and family as well. (OW) had said, i'm tired of this all the BS with your friends online. Same friends I was talking to about what was going on. My support... Diminishing faster. As a result of wanting (OW) to be happier, I basically cut off my friends for her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 16, 2001).]

Im sorry Paint, but this twin souls stuff has me laughing.<BR>Geeze its not enough any more to just be souldmates? He has to be twins.... maybe you sould suggest they should be brother and sister in another life. <P>And tell me where all these twin souls are with their perfect relationships? I have yet to see them. Does that mean you will never fight about who takes the garbage out? Maybe they live on a different plane where there is no garbage.<P>I think you should have them spend alot of time together because the more fairy tale the story, the harded the fall when he starts to see her flaws.<BR>Lora

Absolutely agree with you all - this 'soulmates' thing IS a load of rubbish - and it's very dangerous rubbish. I went to the bookshop today and was amazed at the amount of books they have on 'finding your soulmate' etc., blah blah. It really is dangerous, because they are giving the impression that it's quite OK to hurt your partner, and split your family apart if it's because you've found your 'soulmate'. I beleive that we have many, many of these so-called 'soulmates' - but they should be called 'soulcompanions' because they tend not to be 'mates', but as someone so rightly said - friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, teachers etc., We are all probably 'soul-companions' on this MB site - because we have come together to help each other through a particularly difficult time in our lives. That doesn't mean that we have to leave our partners and marry each other!<P>Past life regression can also be very dangerous - and a lot of these books give the impression that it's something you can do yourself and it's quite safe. Not true. I have a friend back in England who does some of this - and she will only ever do it as a last resort, and then not without a lot of grounding and protection for the person concerned. In some ways, I was glad that I was there to do this for my husband - I didn't want to do it - but having me do it was safer and better than him going off by himself and placing himself open to all sorts of nasty experiences. <P>Incidentally - for those interested in Chakras - people such as our WS's, who are living in 'fantasy land' are usually very ungrounded and have their base and earth star chakra's closed. When these chakra's are open and functioning correctly, the person is level-headed, responsible, grounded and able to live in the real world, instead of in the clouds. Interesting huh? I know that my WH's base, sacral and solar plexus chakras were all closed, and have been for a long time - the problem has been getting him to agree to me working on them for him! The base chakra is at the perineum, the 'earth star' is a more minor chakra approximately 6" below the feet. If anyone is interested in a meditation to open the chakras, then I can post one for you.<P>hugs, Paint.

Paint...can you email me with that chakra thing? I'm quite interested....

You go, Paint! I wish that I could have the opportunity, be it a good or bad decision, to be with my husband. Take the glory and wear it like a banner! <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B><p>[This message has been edited by GeezLouise (edited June 16, 2001).]

Orchid and [H] - yes, I was thinking that maybe he was 'testing the waters' - seeing if I would have any problems being with him again, because of the affair. But to be honest, the physical part of the affair (which only happened once) has never really bothered me - what really hurts and worries me is the emotional attatchment.<P>Don't worry about me feeling 'used' by him - I can assure you that I made the decision KNOWING that this was what I wanted too - and in some ways, if everything goes to pot and he goes off and marries OW, at least we will have ended on a good note, which is better than the hurt and anger we suffered on d-day!<P>hugs, Paint.

Hi Paint:<P>This "soulmates" business always makes me think how wrong it is to assume that because you are so alike that will make you compatable for a lifetime. In most marriages that work really well, it is usually because rather then being totally alike, the partners are more like zig-saw puzzles that fit together...each having their own strengths and weakness...and coming together to make one whole strong part...with each filling in the missing part of what is missing in the other. By doing so you strengthen the whole.<BR>This "soulmate" thing is like the blind leading the blind.<BR>And they are both wandering around in a fog. <P>Please let me caution you about sleeping with WS while he's still with OW...I did it and I'm sorry...because the only one hurt by it was me...there is a emotional bond there that has been broken...and it's not easily restored. And I am disturbed by your WS's casual attitude to it. I could sleep with my WS anytime I want to but that wouldn't prove anything except that he finds me attractive enough to sleep with...sex is not something I take casually...either he is there with me totally or he's not there at all. I just couldn't take his getting up out of my bed and going back to hers. Maybe that's just me...but it hurt like h***.<P><BR>Faye<P><BR>

Paintbox and buffy<BR>I wrestle with this one myself. My WS lives with OW yet I have sex with him sometimes. I can't help but think-What about my needs? If I don't have sex with him I might be more likely to seek it out with another man.He is still my H.<BR>I fear the STD's part of it though. I think he feels like he's cheating on OW but I'm glad I'm creating confusion.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Don't worry about me feeling 'used' by him <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was so guilt ridden by my (A) and my continued (A) I actually asked my wife if it was okay if we had "No strings" attached sex. Looking back on those words coming out of my mouth. What the heck was I thinking? Ugh.. what a dope I was. I guess I didn't want more guilt from it. So I figured if I convinced myself, that it was "No strings" attached then things would be fine. Well that doesn't work... You still end up feeling guilty, horrible, disgusted, nasty, and 5 other gross words with your self. <P>No limitation on the words mind you, but only so much self bashing you can do before you start flashing back, thinking about all the hurt you've caused your wife, remembering all the nasty things you've done to her, all the disgusting things you've said all the justification you told yourself "Yowch". Gonna stop right here.. This is... well not doing me any good.. As I'm sitting here on a sunday morning now, and reflecting back on my sitation......<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie