I find it curious and really do not understand how and why people involved in extramarital affairs talk about their spouses. They always seem to ask for example "How is your husband/wife?", "Oh, he´s got a cold", "She has been working very hard lately" and so on. They seem to know everything about the other persons spouse. And the best of it all is that the concern seems sincere. "Oh I hope he is feeling better". Have any of you had similar experiences?

NO, that is what is very weird to me. My H maintains that they never talked about me whatsoever, he did talk about kids though because she knew the time my son got on bus, etc. <P>What was weird is during the time they were in affair, she and her husband bought a house together and moved in - seems to me if you were trying desperately to get out of your marriage, moving would be the perfect time. <P>She did tell hubby all about her wonderful new house, etc but for the most part they avoided any discussion about spouses. Until after D-day when they lived together(fro three months) they talked about us alot. He told me one she thinks you are a wonderful person (great - can't say what I think of her) and he always told me how bad her husband was treating her. (you know the horrible abusive husband who has no right to treat his cheating wife poorly by asking questions etc).<P>I often ask how she got away from her husband for great lengths of time - and H always states she never offered and he never asked (I find that very odd)?

OP & Ws's have to talk about the BS. It gives them a sort of bond that is used by the manipulative one. The other player usually is the giver of info (especially if one of the En's is the need to talk and can talk to anyone but their own spouse - mine is a perfect example). <P>OW's e-mails used to ask a lot of questions and both made it a point to tell me how much they showed care for the other's spouses. YUCK!!!! With false pretenses. In my case the OW with H pretended to show she was interested in our son and even claimed to send H back 5 times. Ok. maybe there is some truth to that. Now upon closer examination check this out. For each of the 5 + times she may have tried to send H back (only have their word to go on), OW pulled him right back and harder each time. So like a yo yo the yoyo (H) kept going back. Do I call that help? No more than someone who gives candy to your child and then kidnaps them. <P>I'll do better, OW says she wants to get to know our son because he is a part of H. Give her that benefit, where does it lead. Several weeks later it comes out that OW is actually jealous of H's minimal attention to son (son calls his dad on the cell phone and when with OW, OW gets jealous). Oh, it doesnt stop here, OW even told H that our son would be ok without his dad. H could only visit son on weekends and only be picked up in a neutral place. H and son were not allowed to meet or visit at son's home, nor in the home of 'any' relative. <P>Is this the real OW? I tend to think so. But prior to that all that sweet talk about being interested in the family is just a facade. If they really were, you would see it by their actions. OPs would not be afraid of speaking to the BS. There would be genuine acts of kindness not phony ones at best. <P>Pretending is part of the fantasy of the A. Without it their A loses strength and the manipulative OP loses the ability to control.<P>L.<BR>

We can and do talk about our spouses a lot. "A lot" frankly... <P>As I re-wrote history, or explained how something happened to me in the past (OW) took her opportunitys to say "Wow, I can't believe she did that. I would have done this or that"<P>I too did the same things at times. I remember a story she told me of a particular bad moment in her life, and I said I would have handled it like this. ("blah blah") insert nothing but good things in the quotes.<P>We spend so much time focusing on the negative in situations. We do lose sight of the postive things our spouses have done for us. When we re-write history. For me in particular. The good came with the bad. So I would catch a little glimpse here and there of "What really happened" even as I tried to erase and change it.<P>The concern really isn't ever sincear. Thats just another lie. You use the information you gain, to be a better <BR>"Prince Valliant" Be the perfect person in her eyes (OW), in my eyes (WS). A tool for manipulation.<P>(OW) and I did spend some time telling (true) storys where something horrible had happened to us. It was then simple to step in and say. I would have done this and this, and then your unhappy story would be a happy one. Because i'm so great... A lot of these storys also did involve our husbands and wives. We then focused on what "He or She" didn't do. Instead of the postives. What he and she did do.<P>WS - "This horrible tramatic thing happened to me "<BR>OW - "I would have saved you!, Been there for you, Your wife wasn't but I would have been"<P>Simple to see really.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 16, 2001).]