To LetsTry,<P>I am [H]ow and Undertow. (My post as Undertow is true, except the “friend” I mentioned was actually the OM. It explains the state of mind I was in at the time H was moving out - before he knew about the A and before I was willing to admit it. And, the “friend” was obviously more than a friend. I did come here for opinions then.) It’s here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002883.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002883.html.</A> That might give you more insight into how I felt about my pending divorce and the situation with my H. <P>I’m posting under yet another username because I don’t want to upset the applecart or be a target. I’m hoping this will only catch your attention. I could do without the flaming. I only want to help and if anyone has encouraging words/advice.<P>Thanks for being open minded enough to at least trust that I only thought I could help by posting (and anyone else). I may have been misguided in posting under OM’s thread, but it’s too late to change that. I’m sorry for hurting or angering anyone. After being flamed, I decided to leave the board because I didn’t think it would be healthy for me (or OM or OMH) to stay with so much ire toward me. But, I did hold some concern for you LetSTry.<P>First, I hope you are well. I hope you’re hanging on. <P>Second, I’d like to share with you some news. I’m not sure what exactly happened or what caused the switch to flip, but my H told me last night that he woke up. He wants a family with me. He has discovered that his fears are placated and he does want children with me. He wants to rebuild our marriage and take it to its starting point. Even last night he told me he imagined me pregnant and was moved to silent tears. As was I…my heart bursting.<P>He’s been thinking since we’ve lived apart (almost two months – and a couple of weeks since he learned about the A) and something in him has changed, as it changed in me. When he found out about the A, both of us truly realized what we were losing. To me, owning up to the A was like getting hit with a landslide. I’ve never “woken up” like that before in my life. I was in despair the day he found out, regardless of OM and the consolation he was looking for after OM heard me slipping away as he listened in on my phone call with H. It was clear my heart wanted only to be with my H. That was when I realized my A was truly over, if my H could stand to even look at me again. Even having my H as a friend if the divorce continued, was more important to me than OM. <P>As the WS, I was ashamed for my foolishness, lies and hurting. I never truly realized what I stood to lose. I apologize to him every day. I give him all the answers and explanations I can, all truthfully. He listened.<P>The bonus with my H is that he’s absolutely brilliant. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever known. He has my complete admiration. No one, and I mean no one, shines next to him. As he listened and tried to learn, he came to understand my state of mind. He put himself in my shoes and forgave me. Without that ear, and the forgiveness, we wouldn’t be loving each other and rebuilding today. I guess, you, as a BS have to make those choices on how to deal with a WS. I can tell you that his love and compassion for me allowed me to be honest and truthful. I was an ear too. I was willing to take anything he dished out, and I deserved. Much to my surprise, after the initial shock of finding out about the A, he never lashed out at me. He only had regrets that he and I had sunk so low because of our separation and the A. But, he never let his chin lower. He kept telling me he loved me and missed me – even with my many failings. I keep apologizing and telling him that I’m not whole without him and I will do anything he asks – anything to share a life with him. He’s not asked for much from me. He’s always said he’d be there to support and help me with whatever I needed. I believe he’s surprised at his own love and compassion for me…even after I had an A. Even with my guilt, I relate to him better as a person. He’s proved so much, just by listening—even when it was something he didn’t want to hear. And I will spend my life proving to him he’s the only one for me. <P>So, the road here now is a frightening one, but one I believe I have the courage to walk down. We have so much ahead of us. I spent so much energy and made mistakes – the A – to deal with H leaving and losing him, that I’m afraid in a lot of ways that I’ll disappoint him. I am willing to put my life on the line – heart and soul – to give him what he needs, make the compromises. He is willing to do the same. I’m still somewhat in a daze. I wish I knew how on Earth I got so damned lucky. I hope your WS sees the same…soon. It sounds like he’s on a self-destructive path with OW, much like I was. I sincerely hope he wakes up from that dream he’s in.<P>People can change, almost in an instant, whether the cause was good or bad. H and I are different people now. We are better people that admit our mistakes as well as our undying love. A whole new breed of dedication. There is a greater bond than ever before. I’m just sorry that our separation and the A caused it. But, at least we are here<BR> <BR>I’m truly amazed that in just one day, we both called out the problems we had before. Because of our different views on having kids in the past, we always knew we would end, it was a matter of when, so we spent a year withdrawing from each other. His needs as well as mine that weren’t being met. We were friends, not husband and wife.<P>Now, we will be looking for a house. Now, we will share a bank account. Now, we will share our lives in a way we both originally intended. Now, will be “We” – life’s greatest team.<P>Hang in there LetSTry. There is hope. And even hope for a better life with your WS. I’m only sorry there is so much pain, confusion and lies leading up to it.<P>My best and fondest wishes to you.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by ANewTurn (edited June 16, 2001).]
